We have all been there, standing on the outside and looking in on which ever group we wanted to be a part of at that moment. We stood there longing, listening, yearning to 'fit in', wishing we could just change this one thing to make us more 'desirable' to this crowd we want so badly to fit into. Then again, what happens when we push aside that desire and decide to just be who we are? What happens when we put aside our own insecurities and our need fit in? What happens when we embrace our own uniqueness and use it as a source of personal power instead of something to be changed?
As that weird person who is the weirdo among the weird, I can tell you all kinds of stories about watching through the looking glass and begging to fit in. I can tell you all about changing myself, watching my words, doing what 'normal' people do, instead of embracing my own weirdness. 'Normal' people find it offensive when I say things like, "I don't come to work to make friends. I come to work to make money. If I make a friend in the process, then I'm all the better for it." I have worked, literally for years, with people I didn't like. They knew how to be grown-ups and it was a nice environment, but I was too weird and they were too normal.
Those things said, I have come to a point in my life where I have trouble relating to people, except on the most superficial level (at least it feels superficial to me...).I am not sure if my own perception has changed and this is actually, to the other person, some really insightful exchange and I am just missing it or if it really is just some weird, superficial interaction. I must add that, while some part of me obviously feels like it is superficial, the emotions I equate with this are more neutral, than anything. I don't feel negative after interacting with other people, but it isn't necessarily positive, either. It simply is.
I think that I may be losing part of my own humanity on this journey. Of course, I could be gaining a part of it back that others (i.e the general public) simply lack, too. I'm not sure. One thing I do know is that more people than ever are reaching out to me. I know that I enjoy chatting with them. I know that I enjoy their company, real or virtual. I know that these people are amazing beings in their own right and their light shines with the intensity of a thousand suns. I just can't figure out where my own awesomeness meets their awesomeness.
Does anyone else have this problem?
Brightest blessings, Friends!!