Saturday, October 13, 2012

The Circle Shapes Us: A Journey

As pagans, we often stand or sit in circle, performing our celebrations and our magic, without a thought as to what we are really doing.  Sure, magic is the manufacturing of coincidence (a definition I have to credit to Rev. Terry Riley), but what are we really, truly doing within the manufacturing process.  Are we bending the Universe to conform to our will or is the Universe bending us?

As of late, I have been going through a moderately intense growth phase.  These are the kinds of questions I ask when I find things (both outward and inward) changing quickly.  More and more, on this journey toward clergy hood, I see that life is not linear, but circular.  Life isn't just birth, growing up, and dying as many muggles would believe.  When our eyes open, even a tiny bit, we begin to notice cycles, the sun and moon, the seasons, lessons we are or aren't learning, and even confirmations we willingly overlook or ignore because they aren't what we want.

I have recently come to the realization that there are some things within at least one past life that I have been resisting and, indeed, actively pushing away.  The biggest of those is a leadership roll.  I have, all of my life, found myself leading people in one capacity or another.  I have, all of my life, despised being in the spotlight, yet doing these leadership things because no one else would.

Do I dislike the spotlight because I'm not confident I can lead?  No, I know I'm a good leader.  Am I reluctant because I'm afraid of trouble if I make the wrong decision?  No.  I am fully willing to suffer the consequences of my actions when in a leadership role.  Then why do I prefer to stand at the periphery? The long and short of it is that I can't see the purpose in praise and back-patting when something needed to get done and then it was done.  If more people just did the work, then there would be more things getting done.  Who cares about critics?  Really.  If the critics and naysayers matter, then the work is being done for praise and the intentions are not pure.

Leadership isn't about the banging of cymbals, laser lights, and other flashy motifs to get attention.  It's about looking out at a sea of knee deep mud and slogging through it to accomplish a goal.  It's about doing the shit work that no one else wants to do because it has to be done.  It's about making a wrong decision and nobly and humbly admitting it and learning from the mistake.

I recently had my birth chart done by an astrologer friend of mine.  This road I am upon was written into the stars on the day of my birth.  Do I want it?  No.  Am I going to get what I want?  No.  Am I going to surrender to this higher calling?  I already have.  Am I going to accept it?  I'm working on that.  I work daily to push my own boundaries and edge closer to the spotlight.  I accept tasks from my elders that I know are going to make me uncomfortable.  Why?  I do this because it's more comfortable for me to willingly step into the light than it is to be shoved unceremoniously into it.

So, in my many years of magical workings, I have asked for things, been given things, and grown into this person I am today.  I often find myself asking the question, "Are these manifestations the things my Higher Self wants, my true desires, and I'm bending the Universe to my will, or is the Universe laughing at my pleas and bending me to its desire?"  Maybe it's a chicken and egg thing.  Maybe I'm a lunatic.  I don't know, but I do know the road that lies ahead isn't one that I would have picked for myself willingly.

My life waits patiently for me as I fumble onward in the darkness, not realizing that I need only to open my eyes to see the light.  Yet another lesson for me to learn in this manifestation.

Brightest Blessings, my friends!

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