Toxic Positivity Culture

I see a lot of posts on social media where a person is having a bad day and they apologize for being in a bad mood. I see these posts where people have a chronic illness and apologize for having a bad day. What do they have to apologize for? From where I sit, nothing. In today's world, there is this idea that one must be positive no matter what. There is this idea that one must smile through the tears or joyfully endure the illness, abuse, or other bad thing happening. Why? Is it to show how strong one is? Is it to show how much one can take before breaking? Is it simply this weird positivity culture that we live in? The idea that there is so much bad in the world, so each individual must be the good?

The idea that bad things only happen to "vibrationally low" people is insane. As well as the idea that all negativity "lowers vibration." This type of gaslighting permeates open-minded society. Again, why?

Now, before I get ripped I would like to point out that, yes, affirmations work. Yes, cognitive behavioral therapy works. These are not the things I'm referring to. I'm referring, specifically, to the damage we do to ourselves within toxic positivity culture. The idea that one must apologize for feeling something other than positive. Apologies that begin, "I'm sorry, and I always try to stay positive, but..." But nothing! You are allowed to feel this emotion. You are allowed to spend time with it. You are allowed to release it.

Apologizing for feeling an emotion can do more damage. Would you allow someone, when you're feeling down, to say, "You should try being positive; it works for me." No, you wouldn't. I wouldn't, either, because that's a form of gaslighting.

Be aware of your thoughts. Listen to your body. Do not use your feeling down to lash out or blame other people. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotion you feel. There's no reason to beat yourself up. Find something that comforts you when you feel this way, music, poetry, art, a nice tea. Allow yourself to enjoy this thing and repeat an affirmation. With some training, your thoughts on not being 'allowed' to feel that way change. They change to a type of self-comfort.

I write these things because positivity can change the brain. This is known. However, the idea that just saying vaguely positive things changes the brain, especially if they are backward compliments, defeats the idea. Not believing the words also defeats the purpose. We have to stop gaslighting ourselves into being positive. If there is a health issue, we must address it. If there is an emotional issue, we must address it. Not addressing these things from all sides, spiritual, physical, and emotional, leaves us only partly healed.

Listen to the words to speak to yourself. Are you healing or are you sorry you feel bad? Are you doing the best you can or are you a failure? If you wouldn't let your most hated enemy say these words to you, then why do you say them to yourself? Don't let someone else's idea of positivity be your yardstick.

Blessed be,
River

Love and Light: Veiled Abuse and Bullying in Paganism

We all know someone who is eternally happy and never has a bad day, even if it is through gritted teeth. These people are always espousing 'love and light' in their practice and encouraging everyone around them to turn their face toward the sun so that the darkness falls behind them. . .  Or something of the sort. While some of these people have genuinely made peace with their inner demons, most others have not. We have all been conditioned that 'love and light' is good and is an expression of a supreme good while those who embrace their own darkness and, therefore, humanity should be watched.

The reality that I have seen over and over is that those espousing 'love and light' the most are the ones who need to fall into the abyss of their own darkness the most, as well. They tend to be some of the most inauthentic people I have ever met and I mean inauthentic toward themselves, not necessarily, others. There are certain behaviors that are present within the vast majority of the love and light crowd.

First, I notice that may within the 'love and light' crowd like to use guilt as a motivator. Now, this only works if the person on the other end harbors feelings of guilt or some insecurity that can be linked to these feelings. One thing I hear from these types is, "You may not like them, but you have to/should love them anyway." Well, no. I am not required to waste my energy on anyone. I do not like them. I do not have to like them. I certainly do not have to love them. I can look at that person and feel absolutely nothing. I am not required to speak to them, touch them, or interact. There is zero requirement for me to entertain that notion.

Second, I notice that these types often get frustrated and very angry when other people refuse to be controlled. These types will often 'call out' an individual in an effort to shame them, another emotion that one must espouse for these types to manipulate another individual.  If one is not ashamed of one's actions or is not in the wrong, then this tactic doesn't work, thereby creating more anger and frustration for the "love and lighter". This is especially prevalent online. It happens quite regularly, as a matter of fact, in social media groups.

Indeed, it happened recently in a group that I was a member of. One particular poster wasn't very nice. I didn't like her and most everyone else didn't, either, however, she was a pretty good source of basic information. Something happened off of the group and the moderators flipped the fuck out and one decided to bring it into the group with this post:

Now, I have done nothing but block out the name of the poster, the group, and those mentioned in the post here. This is a screenshot of the post by a moderator who always espoused how much love and light she had for everyone. Here's what I see:
1. Calling the offender out in the group. This is poor taste and not in the least bit what a leader does, not even with an unreasonable poster. (And, I promise, the offender was unreasonable.) This is an invitation to the group to start bashing said offender because the comments weren't even turned off until the bashing began. Again, nothing love and light about that.
2. This is an intimidation tactic. You are telling everyone who sees this that if they step out of line then you'll do the same to them, tag them in a horrible, hateful post and leave it open for others to bash on them as well. (And, in the meantime, doing exactly what you say others are doing.)
3. You are telling everyone that there are a 'few others' you are after, as well. Waving a veiled threat around to people not mentioned in an effort to scare them into acting and being a certain way.
4. This is venting one's proverbial spleen in a group that has no idea what is going on. This kind of anger is going to seriously upset some of the more timid people. So much for all of that love and light, right? Real leaders simply don't do this.

Third, when guilt and shame don't work, these 'love and light' guys turn to projection and veiled threats. They project their own insecurities about being respected onto others as a lack of respect and they see every question as an insult to their person and their allies. One of the mods posted something, stomping her proverbial foot about being disrespected and she was going to ban the next person who said anything snarky.

Until this point, I didn't even realize that this, particular, person what even a moderator. So, she's suddenly going around threatening to ban people? I, genuinely, thought she was suddenly the group banning bitch or something. So, I asked for clarification:

As you can see, I wasn't the only person who took that comment to mean that said moderator was just going to start banning people willy-nilly because she was extra butthurt that someone disrespected her authority. Of course, my comment was taken as threatening and sarcastic.







Here is the, again, veiled threat.  The moderator was working under the impression that anyone and everyone was being sarcastic

 

and threatening to her as a moderator. She absolutely refused to believe that someone might be sincere and not be challenging her authority (which, by the way, was all in her head, as she couldn't even close comments on a thread without asking permission.)

So, again, another poster responded in kind to my question and her unreasonable knee-jerk response. The moderator then began (again) projecting passive-aggressiveness onto my comments declaring that there was 'a lot' going on, which there weren't, except said moderators.

You can see here, the accusation of my being passive-aggressive, even after apologizing. It was somehow my fault that she took things wrong when I asked her to clarify and she threatened me with banning. Again, these 'love and lighters' like to use people as examples. They hate it when their authority is challenged, which as you can see, she 'closed' the discussion by, as I stated above, asking the administrator if she could and getting permission first.

This kind of behavior goes on for several days, veiled threats, projection of sarcasm and being passive-aggressive, and foot stomping, demanding that everything get back to normal.

Bullies don't like it when people question them. They don't like it when a person ignores their fits. Bullies like to be in charge and have people just a little bit afraid of them. It gives them a sense of power when they feel like they have none.

So much of the 'love and light' crowd feels this way: powerless. They think that if they are good and kind and happy and all of the 'good' things in life, then they can hide from their out of control rage, fear, sadness, and cruelty. They can't. Those emotions they try to suppress, that Shadow raises its head in a multitude of ways, including manipulation and a bizarre sense of entitlement.

We tell our children not to bully each other, but as adults, how can we say this to children when we, ourselves, behave in such a way? Is it any wonder why children would rather kill themselves than live in this world? Do you take people where they are or do you try to force them into your little box of expectations? Do you project love and light or do you use it to your benefit to get people to do what you want?

When you work with a group of people, in real life or online, keep in mind that not everyone is all love and light all of the time. Keep in mind that some people use the 'light' in a bad way. Keep in mind that love, real love, has no conditions. Love sees you where you are and takes you as you are, only pointing you in the direction that is most beneficial for your own growth, even if that means kicking you Spartan-style into the abyss of your own darkness occasionally. Unfortunately, we humans don't often example that kind of love.

Brightest blessings,
River


P.S. I actually kind of expect some hate mail over this, people crying about how I have the 'love and light' crowd all wrong, etc. If you feel moved to respond, please feel free, however, I don't expect to be proven wrong, and in all honesty, I expect comments to prove me right. If you feel moved to respond, I hope that you are the exception. 

On Sending Energy, Distance Healing, and Other Well Meaning Magicks

We live in a community where everyone thinks they are an empath or a healer but few of us actually are. Social media allows us to send 'healing', 'good juju', or 'thoughts and prayers' to everyone we come across, if they ask for it, however, is this type of helping a good thing?

I bet your first reaction was, "Of course! How could you even doubt it?" Well, I do doubt it for several reasons and, realistically, some of these doubts are why I rarely send energy and if I do I send it with a very specific intent. (Though, until a conversation came up last week, I couldn't actually tell you why I had these doubts until I was shown a different perspective by a complete stranger.)

First, let's get the 'thoughts and prayers' out of the way. This is a big one on social media. I could be looking at your situation and thinking that you got what you deserved and praying that you get more of the same. I could be thinking that you don't deserve whatever you're getting and praying that it stops soon. They both can sound altruistic, sure, a person deserves/ doesn't deserve a break in life, or deserves/doesn't deserve death/poverty/illness/winning the lotto. Whatever.

Now, let's talk about all of that healing we send out. What are we sending when we send 'healing'? Some of us send Reiki. Others send healing energy, which is different but achieves a similar end. This difference can be significant.

As a Reiki practitioner, I can attest to the fact that Reiki is different from healing energy in two ways. First, Reiki is a blessing. Being a type of love energy, it is very highly vibrational and will get through any shields, wards, or other protections due to its very energetic nature. The spirit or higher self is not going to deflect this type of energy unless specifically instructed by the Self to do so and if we are asking for healing, we aren't going to turn 'good' energy away.

Healing energy achieves a similar end to Reiki, but it often comes from the Self or is drawn up from the earth (or down from the heavens), charged, and sent to the person in need.  This energy is often tainted with our own energy signature and can be deflected, rejected, or sent back if the receiver wants to, but again, often doesn't because of being 'open' to that intent.

So, then, what happens when someone is having an illness and they ask for healing? Depends. If it is a broken leg or post-surgery request, boosting up the healing for them will, hopefully, get them up and about quickly. It should keep the infection down or knit the bone, and in general, be a big help.

What happens, though, if this person has cancer or an autoimmune illness? The cancer is growing because the body does not recognize it as an invader or as an out of control growth of cells. What is 'healing' doing? Does it knock down the side effects of the chemo/biotherapy? Does it do its best to flush the chemo/biotherapy from the sick person's system? (In an effort to make them 'well' from the therapy?) Does it simply help the person along to die because their body is simply too worn out? Autoimmune illnesses already deal with an out of control immune system. Why would one want to boost an already overworked immune system with 'healing' when it is likely that suppression is likely what is needed? Another excellent example of 'healing' gone wrong is the flu.

How does the body 'heal' the flu? High. Fucking. Fevers. Now, why would you want to boost someone's immune system with 'healing energy' when the only way to beat something like that is a fever? Those fevers lead to things like dehydration if they aren't monitored. Sure, I know you're thinking that I'm missing the obvious to get the fever down, acetaminophen or ibuprofen, however, keeping one's fever down is inhibiting the body's ability to fight that infection. Fevers are good, at least to a point (and then we go back to the hydration/dehydration fever cycle.) Also, I'm not going to do more than mention things like seizures, deafness, and other things caused by an out of control fever.

Finally, I want to discuss pain as a growth factor. For some people, what they are going through is 'growing pains'. Do we really want to wish pain (or more pain) on someone who is already hurting? There are times when we, as human beings, are required by this life to find a new perspective through pain. Whether it is physical, mental, or emotional, the pain gives us what we need to grow. I know that I certainly don't unless I know very explicitly that I am giving this person pain in order to find a new perspective.

These are just a few examples of how our ideas of healing can go awry. When we send energy, Reiki or otherwise, it must be with the complete understanding that what we are doing may not have the results we expect. While we often sympathize or empathize with the person asking for help, sometimes their pain is both deserved and needed to help them along in this life. We must also understand that our helping can kill them if it is their time to die or their body is just too weak to keep going.

Next time, when a friend asks for healing, Reiki, or juju of any kind, remember to send it with the knowledge that it will help, but it may not be helpful in the way you expect or want it to.

Brightest Blessings,
River

When Meditation Is Not the Answer

As pagans, we often look to each other for advice when it comes to energy work.  Among the new and old practitioners alike, the answer is often, "Meditation could help you with this." While this statement is true about 90% of the time, there are times when stilling your body and mind is not what is needed to produce more awareness. (Even if all of the new age hoo-ha tells us that meditation is the ultimate.)

So, when is meditation not the answer? Meditation is not the answer when you need to be more aware of your Self. A recent conversation I participated in online is a good example. The poster wanted to know how to strengthen his will. He recognized that it was more iron-clad when he was angry than when he was not and stated that he had a difficult time holding his intent. This is an excellent example of meditation not being the answer. (Have you ever stopped yourself from being angry by meditation? No? Join the club!!) Meditation will teach this posted how to recognize triggers that make him angry and it will teach him how to not react to those triggers unless he chooses to.

If the poster knows his will is stronger when he is angry, then he recognizes that it has a different sensation. Our emotions create physical sensations in our body. The problem we have is that we are usually too emotional to feel them, so we ride along that roller coaster. When we 'get into our feelings' we become enslaved to our emotions for that moment.

When we begin to cultivate self-awareness (first through meditation and then through life), we begin to notice these triggers. We begin to notice the physical sensations that go along with fear, anger, jealousy, joy, love, gratitude and even resentment. We begin to notice the physical sensations that trigger the emotional response. When we discover the trigger and the sensation, we can choose (eventually, at least) how much energy we expend on that emotion. This is the essence of cultivating the will and while this process begins with meditation, it can not be fully realized through meditation alone.

The moment we begin to choose how to spend the energy we have built up emotionally is the moment we, as practitioners, can choose how to wield our intent. Recognizing the physical sensations that go with certain emotions is the first step to that. How does one do this? It is both simple and not.

First, one must cultivate an awareness of one's body. To do this, I use a simple exercise taught to me by a very wise elder. I call it the "Let It Go Technique" and it is 4 steps:

1. Sit at a table, such as the dining room table, and hold a coin in the palm of your closed hand with your arm out in front of you, larger is better than smaller (such as a quarter or half-dollar instead of a dime).
2. Feel that coin in the palm of your hand. Close your eyes for this if you choose, but feel its weight, temperature, texture. Read it with your physical senses.
3. Turn your hand palm down and open it, dropping the coin. Notice the sensation.
4. Pick the coin up and repeat.

You will know you are successful in this exercise when you can feel every muscle, tendon, and ligament move, the pressure of the coin sliding from your hand, and if any of the tiny hairs on the backs of your hands and wrists are affected.

This simple exercise cultivates awareness of your body. If it is done enough times, one will begin to notice the tiny movements of one's hand or forearm muscles during other activities. This awareness then will translate to noticing the various sensations of our bodies as we move through life. Ultimately, this exercise opens up our awareness to the physical sensations that go along with emotions. Once one can feel the emotions physically, meditation is a good time to recall the sensation and explore it. This will also help to cultivate the will.

As practitioners, we tell each other to meditate all of the time. Meditation is not the answer for every situation. Meditation is not even the answer for most situations. Realistically, most practitioners these days don't actually do true meditation, so what we are suggesting to each other are different techniques for different practices that we all just call meditation, but that's for a different blog.

Have a blessed Imbolc. May the seeds you plant in the coming season flourish in the coming year.

Blessings,
River