In its various
guises, Anger has been on my mind a lot lately. When I use the word 'anger', I should probably be more specific and say misdirected anger. As with any word or action, anger can be a good thing and used to a good purpose, when directed appropriately. That said, I haven't been angry but I have watched those around
me succumb to their own anger. Watching this process made me think.
It made me reflect upon my own anger, but more importantly, I began to
reflect upon the anger projected on me by others, their reactions, and the
lengths they would go to, to see me hurt in some physical or emotional way.
Even now, I search my memory for actions on my part that would have
precipitated such an angry outburst from these people.
In late 2010 my
life imploded slightly. I found myself without a job and living with a
friend. I was completely freaked out by this. My life had, mostly,
been orderly with some sense of direction and I found myself with none.
My friend and I managed as best as we could to make this arrangement
work. We did well for about 3 months and then one Sunday, I found myself
backed into a corner with her screaming at me about some strange overreaction
she was having. Honestly, I was kind of clueless about the accusations
being thrown at me. I was confused, to say the least. When I told
my friend she'd lost her mind (not in so many words, mind you), she and another
friend of hers attacked me physically. Now, I must add here, I don't like
physical violence of any kind, but I had no choice other than defend myself.
When the fight was over, the three of us were in a pile on the floor.
I thought it was over. It wasn't. Once we untangled ourselves
and I was told to leave (because I totally would
have stayed with someone who liked to attack people physically), I tried to
start packing my stuff. My friend decided that it would be fun to tell
her daughter that I 'beat her up,' so her daughter would come after me.
Thankfully, I talked the daughter out of a fight, called some friends for
help, and left, leaving many things behind.
Over the next
month, I lived with some more friends, doing my best to stay out of the way.
This time it was a friend and her husband. When I moved in, my
friend told me not to plan on staying very long because she was leaving her
husband after the holidays (it was early December). The holidays passed
and my friend announced that she was moving out. Her husband blamed me. He tried to get
physically violent with me and she and I left, seeing refuge with yet other
friends who so graciously opened their home to us both. Long story short,
this time, he did not want to let me get all of my things. He stole from
me, pawned some expensive electronics of mine, and was a general pain in the
ass. When I was finally able to get my stuff (his landlord forced the
issue, I believe), I had lost more stuff.
I can't say that
I was ever angry at either of them for what they did to me. I can't say
that I am angry now, not even over the loss of most of my stuff. In the
months after these incidents, I watched these two people wallow in their anger.
They lost or gave up many of the things that they loved while living in
that anger. It was heart-breaking for me to see and hear what was
happening in their lives (because some people found it necessary to tell me).
I didn't
understand what I did so wrong. I didn't understand why I was driving the
people around me crazy. I didn't understand why they were projecting
their own concepts and anger over them onto me. I was worried that I was
going to do the same thing to one of my current roommates and still not understand what
was going on around me. I consulted with my high priest about why these
things happened and why their anger was so disproportionate
to what I perceived actually happened. What he said to me baffled me and gave
me hope that I could prevent this from happening in the future (if I could
figure out what it meant and how to do it, of course).
He said that,
sometimes, people's energy changes so much that, without their understanding
(or consent!), their energy affects people and when that happens, those whose
energy vibrates at a lower level become agitated just being in the presence of
that particular person. He told me that I must learn to mask my energy to
keep this from happening over and over again. He didn't tell me how to do this, but that
is his way, to let me figure it out on my own.
Even more
importantly than learning to mask my own energy, I observed what kind of damage
anger does. I watched both of these people, neither of whom I have any
ill will toward, fight with themselves on a roller coaster of emotion. I
could see which decisions appeared to be made in anger and which ones weren't. I
learned to be compassionate toward them. I learned to love them instead
of pity them. I learned that, ultimately, we punish ourselves with our
anger, not anyone else.
Now, more than
ever, when someone gets angry at me, I do my best to step back and be an
observer. Did I do anything
wrong? Did I say something
wrong? Is it just my mere presence? I do my best to not succumb to
my own anger. Sometimes I succeed, other times, not so much. I
suppose that one must ride his or her own roller coaster of emotion to the end
when it comes to anger and how it affects us individually.
Brightest
Blessings, Friends!
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