As of late, well, actually for the last nine or so months, things have felt. . . Off. They have gotten progressively worse for me internally and that has manifested in various way injecting a great deal of chaos into my life. The weekend of Ostara, I realized that I was experiencing burnout. Now, I'm not talking about 'run-of-the-mill-x-y-and-z-have-to-change-in-my-life' burnout. I'm talking 'screw-responsibility-quit-everything-and-be-a-gypsy' burnout. I was literally so tired of being sick and tired that I was ready to sell what I could, give away what I couldn't sell, and hit the road to wherever.
However, there was this little niggling voice seated somewhere around my heart. It said, "Yes, you could sell everything you own and see where life takes you, but what then? Haven't you been searching for stability and a place to put down your roots? Haven't you been looking for a family and a community? Instead of throwing a tantrum, what do you really want to do?"
Of course, my response to that little voice was, "Shut up Little Voice! I want to see things I haven't seen before. I want spend the next year of my life not doing what is expected of me!"
With a laugh, it responded, "Of course you do, but instead of taking the road you already know is going to be fraught with obstacles and pain, why don't you really sit down and think about what you want and what you need. So, what is it that you want?"
"Okay," I respond, honestly a bit sullenly, but there might be a bit of hope growing as I speak this truth to the Universe. "I want a good, safe place. I want to not have other people so dependent upon me. I want to not worry too much about other people. I want a lovely place to be able to take my computer to write. I want to finally have something of my own published this year, not just put essays into anthologies and watch other people make money off of my time and effort."
This conversation with myself hasn't stopped the burnout. It hasn't stopped me from getting up every morning dreading the day because 'I have to do it'. What it has done, though, is given me something else to think about, contemplate, and focus on. I recognize that I give too much. I recognize that I rarely turn people down when they need me. I recognize that I need 'me' time that doesn't involve other people and four walls just as much as I recognize that I need 'me' time that does involve other people and some much needed shenanigans.
Another thing I recognize is that I allow others to tell me one thing and do another. As my burnout has increased, that has become a source of great irritation. Why do I go out of my way to do for others and not expect to be treated the same way? Isn't that what friends do for each other? Don't they go out of the way to be there for each other because they care? So, does it mean that you only care when other things don't get in the way? Do you only care when I am saying and doing things that you find emotionally and spiritually palatable? What about those other times? What about the times I'm spinning out of control and don't realize it yet? When I'm 'not myself' is it too much for you to handle so you back away slowly? Or, are you just self-absorbed and you are so glad to see me so you can tell me how your life has been? I'm pretty sure that's some form of narcissism.
Then again, I've been told repeatedly, "Expectations lead to disappointment." Really? No shit. It's really fucking disappointing to hear how much I am loved by someone, but only to be acknowledged when they need me, but when I need them, nothing. It's really fucking disappointing to be told that I should keep giving to someone who constantly takes from me because I'm going to get my return from someone else. No. I treat people how I expect and deserve to be treated. If you are such an arrogant dick that you think you can treat me however you feel like, then you don't deserve to have me in your life. Maybe this makes me an arrogant bitch, to think that I deserve to be treated with respect, but you know what? I am worth just that.
The last several months have shown me just who my friends are. I have been surprised again and again by the fact that those I expect to be able to count on are too busy, so there are others who are standing in their place, genuinely ready help me when I need it. At first, I was mad that the people I wanted to be there weren't. Then, I realized that the people who were there were worth their weight in gold for their love and loyalty. Every time I reach out to any of them, there they are, taking my hand and holding it, if need be.
So, I'm still burned the fuck out. As of a week ago, I consider myself to be on a sabbatical. I am going to focus on myself and on my wants and needs for a while. That said, I do have some obligations this year, including some workshops and rituals, that I will still be doing. It is less a case of my doing a disappearing trick and more a case of my being very selective about what activities I do participate in or facilitate. I may shift gears from facilitation to simply writing the material and handing it off to another to facilitate. I may choose to be a participant instead of a planner.
I am not sure what this year is going to hold for me, but I do know that it is going to put me back at equilibrium. There will be solitude and shenanigans. There will be happiness and sadness. There will be joy. I will come back to center and be all the better for it.
Brightest blessings, Friends!!
However, there was this little niggling voice seated somewhere around my heart. It said, "Yes, you could sell everything you own and see where life takes you, but what then? Haven't you been searching for stability and a place to put down your roots? Haven't you been looking for a family and a community? Instead of throwing a tantrum, what do you really want to do?"
Of course, my response to that little voice was, "Shut up Little Voice! I want to see things I haven't seen before. I want spend the next year of my life not doing what is expected of me!"
With a laugh, it responded, "Of course you do, but instead of taking the road you already know is going to be fraught with obstacles and pain, why don't you really sit down and think about what you want and what you need. So, what is it that you want?"
"Okay," I respond, honestly a bit sullenly, but there might be a bit of hope growing as I speak this truth to the Universe. "I want a good, safe place. I want to not have other people so dependent upon me. I want to not worry too much about other people. I want a lovely place to be able to take my computer to write. I want to finally have something of my own published this year, not just put essays into anthologies and watch other people make money off of my time and effort."
This conversation with myself hasn't stopped the burnout. It hasn't stopped me from getting up every morning dreading the day because 'I have to do it'. What it has done, though, is given me something else to think about, contemplate, and focus on. I recognize that I give too much. I recognize that I rarely turn people down when they need me. I recognize that I need 'me' time that doesn't involve other people and four walls just as much as I recognize that I need 'me' time that does involve other people and some much needed shenanigans.
Another thing I recognize is that I allow others to tell me one thing and do another. As my burnout has increased, that has become a source of great irritation. Why do I go out of my way to do for others and not expect to be treated the same way? Isn't that what friends do for each other? Don't they go out of the way to be there for each other because they care? So, does it mean that you only care when other things don't get in the way? Do you only care when I am saying and doing things that you find emotionally and spiritually palatable? What about those other times? What about the times I'm spinning out of control and don't realize it yet? When I'm 'not myself' is it too much for you to handle so you back away slowly? Or, are you just self-absorbed and you are so glad to see me so you can tell me how your life has been? I'm pretty sure that's some form of narcissism.
Then again, I've been told repeatedly, "Expectations lead to disappointment." Really? No shit. It's really fucking disappointing to hear how much I am loved by someone, but only to be acknowledged when they need me, but when I need them, nothing. It's really fucking disappointing to be told that I should keep giving to someone who constantly takes from me because I'm going to get my return from someone else. No. I treat people how I expect and deserve to be treated. If you are such an arrogant dick that you think you can treat me however you feel like, then you don't deserve to have me in your life. Maybe this makes me an arrogant bitch, to think that I deserve to be treated with respect, but you know what? I am worth just that.
The last several months have shown me just who my friends are. I have been surprised again and again by the fact that those I expect to be able to count on are too busy, so there are others who are standing in their place, genuinely ready help me when I need it. At first, I was mad that the people I wanted to be there weren't. Then, I realized that the people who were there were worth their weight in gold for their love and loyalty. Every time I reach out to any of them, there they are, taking my hand and holding it, if need be.
So, I'm still burned the fuck out. As of a week ago, I consider myself to be on a sabbatical. I am going to focus on myself and on my wants and needs for a while. That said, I do have some obligations this year, including some workshops and rituals, that I will still be doing. It is less a case of my doing a disappearing trick and more a case of my being very selective about what activities I do participate in or facilitate. I may shift gears from facilitation to simply writing the material and handing it off to another to facilitate. I may choose to be a participant instead of a planner.
I am not sure what this year is going to hold for me, but I do know that it is going to put me back at equilibrium. There will be solitude and shenanigans. There will be happiness and sadness. There will be joy. I will come back to center and be all the better for it.
Brightest blessings, Friends!!
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