Sacrifice, Blood, and Pain: Are You Willing to Suffer to Learn?

"You have come to the Craft to learn.  Are you willing to suffer to learn?"  Many times through the years I have been asked if I was willing to suffer to learn my Craft.  Each time, I answered in the affirmative.  So often we believe the suffering to be emotional suffering, letting go or maybe being dragged kicking and screaming before letting go.  However, my personal gods and I go back many years.  We walked this path for some time before I came into group practice, and on occasion, they ask me for a sacrifice.  Usually, this sacrifice involves blood and pain.  For those reading this who may be new to the Craft, I hope your head hasn't caught fire and you haven't run away screaming at the mention of blood sacrifice.  I am fully aware that this is a taboo topic among many Wiccans because we should always 'harm none', and this includes not harming ones self.  The fact is, though, sometimes the gods want to know just how serious their children are about what they ask for (at least my gods do).

Many people who know me, know that Hekate and Ares are my matron and patron deities.  Many who discovered this after getting to know me warned me to 'be careful', as though I had some choice in the matter.  The often hard-headed student needs stern deities, and these two fit the bill.  They accept my offerings (on most occasions).  They nod in the affirmative when I do good.  They have been known to pick me up and toss me back on to my path when I stray.  It is not an easy walk, but if I did things the easy way, I probably wouldn't be where I am today, so I wouldn't change a single step.

Yesterday, I was at work and utilizing my ability to do menial tasks while 'checked out'.  I do that often.  Only a small amount of my consciousness needs to be doing the task, so I will simply 'check out' and go about my spiritual work.  I was designing my Samhain ritual and preparing for my visit to the Underworld.  Hekate and Ares were there and She was listening to me be a selfish child, telling Her what I am going to do and how and that I would like these certain things changed.  She then cocked Her head to the side and cut Her eyes at Ares.  I think they were having a silent conversation, the details of which I have not been privy to.  He smirked and She smacked me in the forehead.  This wasn't a hard smack, it was mostly to get my attention.  And get my attention She did!

"You ask for these things," She said when I stopped chittering away, "but you haven't given us a proper sacrifice in a very long time.  You have been thinking about getting rid of those scars.  Now is the time to do it.  Today."  In deity-speak She said, "Go get your ear re-pierced in Our names.  Your blood is Ours; you are Our child.  Your pain is Ours.  Make it so."  Samhain night it will be 5 years since She claimed me as Her daughter.  In willingly bleeding for my gods and giving them the pain They ask for, I remind myself that I asked for these changes.  I remind myself that I ask for this growth.

Blood sacrifice isn't about killing, maiming, or disfiguring.  It isn't about the taking of another life essence.  For me blood sacrifice is about giving fully.  It is about understanding the seriousness of what I am asking.  Blood sacrifice is about the ultimate gift.  "I give to you, Oh Lady and Lord, that which holds me on this plane of existence."  Even more than that, the act of ritual blood-letting (in all of its forms) always involves pain of some kind.  For my gods, the blood is the immediate outcome of the sacrifice, but it is the ongoing pain afterward and the healing process that is truly my sacrifice to them.

I don't like physical pain of any kind.  It's not that I can't endure it because I have a high tolerance for it, but I just don't like it.  My gods know this.  So, when they ask for sacrifice, it is usually in the form of ink of some kind or getting something pierced.  This sacrifice is two-fold, on my part.  There is the immediate blood and pain, which is offered in a short prayer and evocation at the moment it happens and then there is the ongoing pain, which is acknowledged and reverently offered up multiple times a day until there is no pain any more.  The second part is an important reminder to me that I asked for it.  It helps me to keep moving forward when I don't believe I can.  That physical pain reminds me that I don't have to shoulder the burden of change, that I can, indeed, leave that which no longer helps me grow right where it is.  It reminds me that I do not have to carry it with me, that I can simply accept it and move on.  There are those out there who do not need a physical reminder of this.  I recognize that I have not grown to that point in my life just yet, so I need that reminder and willingly accept it.

So, for the next few months, this particular sacrifice will be in the forefront of my mind.  My favorite word will become, "Ow!" and it will be a constant reminder of my need and my willingness for the changes to come.  As I descend into the darkness of the death of the year and explore the darkness that resides within myself I will become blind, but this sacrifice will be a reminder of the constant companionship I have within the depths of the cauldron.  This pain will be a reminder that all things are temporary and all things are an illusion.  This sacrifice will remind me to keep moving forward and it will remind me that at the end of the darkness of death is the light of rebirth.

Remember, friends, that we have all come to the Craft to learn and we must be willing to suffer to learn.  If we aren't willing to suffer, then we aren't changing.  If we aren't changing, then we aren't growing.  If we aren't growing, then we aren't fulfilling the plans of the gods. Sometimes we must embrace the darkness to find the light.

Brightest blessings, friends!

Loyalty: When do you give it and when do you give it up?

The subject of loyalty has been has been an ongoing theme in my life for some months now.  Not just what it is, but what loyalty isn't.  When does one stop being loyal to another and for what reason?  Most importantly, though, when is loyalty simply an illusion being cast?

The question of true loyalty versus illusion is something I have battled hard with, as of late.  Is loyalty one of those mutually beneficial relationships?  Both parties give and they receive from one another, but once the giving and receiving is over, what is left?  Is it an emotion?  Is it an expectation?  What happens when one party can no longer fulfill his or her end of the relationship in the same manner as before?  Does the relationship evolve and the parties find other ways to benefit each other or does the relationship breakdown completely and both parties end up going their separate ways?  The above makes loyalty sound like some kind of dysfunctional relationship based solely upon two parties using each other to get what they each want.  While this is how I see people using their loyalty, as something to barter with, I do not believe loyalty is something to be used in this manner.

I think back to my own friends and family and to those whom I have been quite loyal to through the years.  They are the people in my life who have not asked for much, but have given much in return.  This giving has inspired me to give back to them, not because I felt that I had to, but because I wanted to.  Even now, there are people in my life whom I have not spoken to in years, if they called upon me for anything I would do my best to fulfill their need.  I would do this, not for the 'reward' of being able to say that I was the one who did it, but because they thought enough of me to ask and because I know that if I were in the same place, they would do the same for me.  That is loyalty in my mind.  It is thinking highly enough of a person to go to them when you are in need, but also that person knowing that they can come to you when they are in need, no matter the time or distance.

So, if loyalty is giving what you can, when you can, then what about those people who like to cast the illusion of loyalty?  What about those people who say they are loyal, but their actions speak to something else?  Have you ever known anyone to look at you and smile and tell you that you can help them (when you offer) and yet they never present to you a way to help?  I have had many people in my life who have done this exact thing.  People who tell me, "Yes, you can help, but first I need to...."  Then, they don't proceed with the next step.  This mentality leaves me with expectations that are never fulfilled and, often, never again acknowledged by the other party.  After a time, these unfulfilled expectations are put to the side with feelings of resentment.  I have offered of myself, offered of my loyalty and willingness to do whatever I can because I want to help, and it is met with feigned enthusiasm and tossed to the side for whatever reason.  For my effort I am damned to failure without ever being able to try.  It often makes me wonder what these people really thought of me.

In my brain, that is not loyalty.  In my brain, that is using someone.  That is keeping up the illusion that a person matters to you when, in reality, they don't.  People are not meant to be used and then thrown away.  If a person is perceived to no longer be of use to you, then you should have the courage to tell them so.  You should have the honor to be able to look them straight in the eye and tell them that they are of no benefit to you.  This way, that person isn't left with expectations that are unreal and unfulfilled.  This way, that person knows exactly where they stand with you and there is no question of why things happened in the way they did.

I am learning much about the 'takers' in my life.  Their words speak volumes, but their actions scream their true intentions.  If loyalty is giving without expectation, at what point does one stop giving?  Is it when the disappointment becomes to great?  Well, that implies expectation.  So, then, can one stop giving and still be loyal?  It is a paradox.  If I offer my loyalty and you accept, then you create an expectation within me.  If that expectation goes unanswered, then disappointment is created in that place of expectation.  So, then, loyalty comes down to a matter of communication.  It is difficult to tell a person that you no longer need his or her help, especially after you have accepted it, yet, that giving back (with or without explanation) is owed to that person.  If they keep giving and you keep taking and doing nothing with it, then suddenly they will stop giving, whether or not you notice.  Once that happens, it probably means their illusions are shattered and they are no longer loyal to you and your purpose.  It also probably means that they have stopped caring to the same degree they used to.  Maybe they stopped caring all together.

A weird little holy man once told me, "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care."  Keep this in mind as you offer and accept the help you want and give in your life because as people begin to see by your actions that their offers to help aren't appreciated, then they will stop offering.  Remember to always keep your word.  If you spend your life giving your word and not following through, people begin perceiving you as selfish.  As men and women of the Craft, we walk a path of service:  Service to our Gods.  Service to our community.

Brightest blessings, friends! 

The Mundane Life Mirrors the Spiritual: What is Yours Saying?

As a neophyte, I was taught that ones mundane life had to be in order for one to get his or her spiritual life in order.  That is a concept that, instinctually, I understood, but I had issues grasping the concept in a real world setting.  Until now, that is.  It occurred to me that I haven't had very good examples of that, but that I also haven't been a very good example of that, either.

There is this thought within the pagan community that leaders must near impoverished.  Why?  Why is that, exactly?  Can pagan leaders not have a nice place to live, a decent vehicle, and be able to pay their bills without asking for hand-outs?  Is there some unwritten rule that, as leaders and clergy within the pagan community, we must turn our back on materialism in all forms and struggle to make sure that our most basic of needs are met?  Is there some unwritten rule that we must take into our homes any and all who are in need and ask for nothing monetary in return?  Why?  Why do we do this?  Is it our duty to overextend ourselves to the point of breaking?

On more than one occasion, I have seen leaders in the community do this.  I have seen them take in mouths that they couldn't feed.  I have seen them quit jobs, on a whim, that were needed.  I have seen them get in a bind and have to ask the community to help.  I have been one of the ones helping, even when I didn't, necessarily, have it to give.

Another notion I whole-heartedly reject is that paying dues to ones church or group is akin to tithing.  I wonder, often, if this is an excuse by the members of the group.  Do the members of the group see their spiritual leaders living an unconventional lifestyle and not want to help out because, due to their own concepts (and if said leader is able), they believe many of the money issues would go away if the leader simply got a regular job?  Alternately, maybe the members see the communal living situation and believe that one or more of the able bodied people living there could find work.

I have been there, living with some of my spiritual family, with no income and wondering just how in the fuck I was going to contribute.  Very quickly, I found a job and, very quickly, I worked out with them just how I was going to contribute, not just monetarily, but with sweat equity.

So, if our mundane lives mirror our spiritual lives, what does it say about those who give to the point of poverty?  What does it say about those who take to the point that their leaders are impoverished?  What does it say about those who prefer to take hand-outs to doing the work themselves, physically (if they are able)?  What does it say about those who refuse to do the 'Christian' thing to help out their leaders?  What does it say about the few who see the need in their church and seek to fulfill it, not out of some selfish need to be recognized, but because there is a need to be filled.

When we, as pagans, stop seeing this effort over another with our leaders and start seeing the needs that need to be fulfilled, we come together better as groups.  We grow as people and as groups.  My own thinking, as a student, was that if I had the money to buy myself 5 candles, then I could give 3 of them to my own group.  If I could afford to buy 4 boxes of incense, then I could give 2 of them to my group.  If I could spend $20 on food for myself, then I could spend a little more and make sure that my high priest and priestess had what they needed, even if I was just buying sweets that they normally wouldn't buy themselves.

I did these things, not because I had to.  I did these things because they were needed and I had the means.  Unfortunately, I do not have the means to give like I used to, at least not in a monetary way, and back then, I resented some of the people in my church because they didn't see things the way I did.  However, I have come to learn that most people don't see the world in the way I do.  They don't look at the world in terms of 'what can I give'.  That isn't something I can change in them.  I can only do my part and be a good example of giving when and where I can.

If the mundane and spiritual mirror each other, maybe we should all stop and examine our lives for a moment.  What parts of our mundane life cause us discontent?  Why is that?  What is the spiritual equivalent? The wheel is turning to Samhain and the light is turning inward.  As we come to the final reaping of this year, the time is approaching to look inside ourselves and decide what we will manifest in the coming year.  Think about, not yourself, but your teachers, Elders, and friends.  Think about how you can manifest the things in your life that can benefit others.  Think about how you can set an example.  Think about how your mundane life mirrors your spiritual life and how you can grow and improve it.

Brightest blessings, friends!

There's no such thing as a free lunch

To pay for magical services or not to pay.  That is an interesting question and one that I got into a debate about today.  There are so many pagans out there who cry from the rooftops that one should never have to pay for any magical service, be it divination or spellwork, teachings or some other service, and I don't understand that thinking.  We live in a society that puts a value on everything, so it would stand to reason that magical services would be no exception, but they are the exception.

Someone posted on a social networking site that they needed a 'real psychic' or a 'real tarot reader' and wanted to know if anyone knew one.  Several people said they did, but no one offered up a name.  Even I said I knew several, but there would likely be a price.  The asker panicked and declared that she was homeless and couldn't pay anyone anything for a reading and that it had to be free.  (Yet, she had access to the internet for most of the day according to the time stamps on her posts.)  Another poster went off on a tirade about how disgusting it was for any magical person to charge anything for a magical service and she did these things simply for the sheer joy of being able to help others. (Though she didn't openly offer to do a reading for the original asker.)  My own thoughts on the subject are as follows and I replied as such to the outraged poster.

As someone who performs certain magical services and charges for them, I find it silly that one would give divination for the 'sheer joy' of it.  What if that card reading is all gloom, doom, and death?  Where is the joy in telling someone that?  What happens when that free reading isn't what the other person wants to hear?  Does one receive joy from the other person calling them a fraud because they are angry?  I have been there and I certainly don't find it joyous.

I charge for magical services for a couple of reasons, none of which are to become rich.  First, if there is no exchange in the physical, a gift for a gift, then the exchange is purely energetic and I may not want that other person's anger in exchange for my time and effort.  Does this make me selfish and egotistical?  Maybe.  Like any transaction, free or not, there's always the risk of buyer's remorse.  If the other party has something invested, he or she is a little less likely to dismiss the outcome if it does not meet with their own expectations.

Also, many people don't understand the concept barter or exchange when they want something, in today's society.  It is perfectly alright to charge a small amount for giving classes and such, for materials and supplies, but if something only involves time, well, they don't see my time as being valuable.  It is not worth anything to them, but divination takes time, doesn't it?  Chakra balancing, auric cleansing, Reiki, house blessings?  Those don't necessarily demand a lot of money for supplies, but they can be time consuming.

My own personal practice is to ask for a gift, whether it be money, a cup of coffee, a stone, or any number of random things that a person might want to exchange.  It isn't about the monetary value of the thing.  It is about the value of the thing to that person.  I was once given a tee shirt in exchange for a chakra balancing.  This shirt didn't cost much for that person to have printed, but she only had a limited number of them printed and it was the last one she had.  For her, it was something she was quite proud of, but it was something she was willing to sacrifice in exchange.  For me, she honored me by offering the very last shirt of a limited number she would ever have.  That level of sacrifice humbled me greatly.

Another reason I charge something for magical services is because I wouldn't simply demand an outcome from my Gods.  Were I to tell Hekate or Ares, "I have performed this spell, now give it to me!" they would thump me on the forehead (or worse!) and laugh!  We don't make demands of our gods, the spirits, or our ancestors, why would we make demands of each other?  We don't expect the gods to hand us our requests on a silver platter, so why do we expect it from each other?

Once again, it goes back to value and the fact that we are programmed to put a value on everything.  What does that say about magical services when we think they should be freely given for the sheer joy of helping?  It says that we don't value each other.  It says that we don't value divination, learning, blessings.  It says that the intangible can't possibly have a monetary value.  However, I see the intangible like a friendship.  The value it has, I can't even begin to pay what it is worth to me.

I understand the knee-jerk reaction of most pagans to scoff at those who would charge hundred of dollars for certain magical services, but the idea that magical services shouldn't be an exchange of some kind is ludicrous.  One does not walk into the grocery store and gather up a basket full of groceries and expect to walk out without paying for them and magical services of all kinds should be viewed in the same manner.  An exchange happens no matter what and we should be willing to sacrifice something in that exchange.  No matter if it is a physical object, a family recipe, a happy story about ones grandmother, or a hand full of cash, the practitioner is giving his or her time and energy, as well as giving his or her undivided attention.  We should always remember to value each other and honor the spirit within.

Brightest blessings my friends!!

PBP Week 23: K is for Karma

I suppose a more proper name for this blog would be, "When Karma Isn't Really Karma."  What I mean by that is this:  Sometimes our concept of what karma is and is not may be skewed.  Does doing something for your own benefit instantly mean that it is a bad thing?  Does the Rede apply only when we aren't operating from an altruistic world view or does it apply only when we knowingly go out of our way to hurt someone or some thing?  What about the Three Fold Law?  What if we, as inherently good people, are operating from a mindset of guilt and duty?  Is karma skewed by our thoughts?

I ask these questions for a reason.  According to the Law of Cause and Effect, all of our actions (and reactions) have an initial cause.  The action/reaction we have is then the effect and, like ripples in a pond, becomes another cause.  However, in thinking about karma and it being an effect of some action, then why is it that bad things happen to good people?  Could it be their mindset?  Could it be that they expect something bad to happen, therefore it does?

I know a woman.  She's a good woman with a good heart, yet she lives in a place of guilt.  She has a very low vibration and that is the place where she lives her life.  It is evident, by her actions, that she feels like she doesn't control anything in her personal life, so she is a complete control freak at work.  She gives of herself to certain people and she is unappreciated or feels unappreciated.  This place where she lives is a very dark one, but since it is all she knows, she chooses to martyr herself to everyone around her.

A couple of weeks ago, life threw her a big curve ball.  She wrecked her truck after spending most of the weekend helping some friends with a fund-raiser for their son with a brain tumor.  Of course, after totaling out her truck, she came to work all gimped up and obviously needing to be at home resting.  She was devastated that she'd wrecked her truck.  I mean near tears over it because she bought this truck and planned on never buying another one, ever.  Period.  She looked at me and said, "You know, whenever I help someone out, something bad always happens to me."  My response was, "Well, maybe you need to be a little more selfish, then."  She was dumbfounded and wandered away confused.

Now, I know that my comment sounded rather callous.  However, if insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, then maybe she should try being selfish.  That's where my thoughts went.  But from where I stand, she didn't have bad karma, indeed, doesn't.  When she does nice things for people, it raises her vibration.  Subconsciously, she doesn't want to be better, happier, etc.  So, when she does something nice, subconsciously something bad has to happen to counter it.  Interestingly enough from listening to her talk about things, the 'bad' is a near perfect counterbalance to the 'good'.  She donates $200 to a charity that means something to her and the next day gets a bill for $200 out of the blue.  That's not karma, that's manifestation.

So, do our thoughts dictate our karma?  I think about my own life and how, since changing my view, I don't have 'bad karma'.  Yes, unexpected things happen and I don't live a life of unicorns with rainbows shooting out of their asses, but truly bad things just don't happen to me.  I have friends who just don't have to deal with truly bad things happening, either.  This has led me to believe that what we term karma is a direct reflection of our own thoughts.  If we live in a place of goodness and plenty, we will have goodness and plenty, but if we live in a place of guilt and poverty, then surely it will be ours.

Until next time, brightest of blessings my friends!

PBP: J is for Jesus

Yes, you read that right, J is for Jesus, and I mean that dude who walked around the Holy Lands two millennium ago healing people and collecting misfits only to be martyred on a cross by the Romans.  That guy!  Yes, I'm sure you are flabbergasted at the fact that Jesus has come up and are certain that he has no place in a pagan context (aside from, maybe Christio-eclectic Wicca).  Those things said, Jesus and even *gasp* the Bible can be looked at and learned from in a pagan world view.

To begin, we must strip away our own prejudices (if we have them) in regards to Christianity and the Bible.  If we look at this book in the same way we look at classical mythology, then we can put our prejudices aside.  So, if the Bible is myth, then the stories in it, we will focus specifically upon the new testament here, are allegory.  With that logic in mind, lets look at some of the things Jesus did.

First, he gathered 12 disciples.  Now, I don't know about the rest of you, but I have always been taught that the traditional number for a coven is 13.  Twelve named disciples plus Jesus equals 13.  Second, many of the disciples were given new names.  Peter was Simon and Matthew was also known as Levi.  It is also believed that Nathaniel was renamed Bartholomew.  The scriptures do not specify that all of the disciples were renamed, however, it is generally accepted in the Christian community that Jesus gave his disciples new names to reflect the changes within them.  To me, that sounds like the receiving (or maybe taking) of a magical name.

Also, Jesus performed 'miracles.'  Whether healing the sick, feeding the multitudes, or raising the dead, those things sound pretty damned impossible.  However, do we, as pagans, not perform magic and do some of these things?  Do we not heal ourselves and go on to help heal others through our own commanding of The Power and dispensing of the sacraments in ritual?  Do we not feed those who need it, both physically and spiritually?  Even more importantly, do we not live by many of the same principles Jesus taught? "Be ye kind, one to another. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?"  What about, "The meek shall inherit the Earth."  How many of us walk our path with a humble heart, helping those who need it most?  Is there not a meekness to that?  How many of us stand up in the face of injustice? Oh! Jesus did that, too!  Mary Magdalene and something about being without sin and casting the first stone?

So, outside of a Christian context, Jesus did many of the same things we, as witches, do.  He was, at the very least, a Priest of the Power who walked about his homeland dispensing the sacraments to those who needed it most.  He understood the need for spiritual fulfillment that went far beyond what most of the clergy in his time did.  Yes, his enlightenment earned his own death, but he knew that was coming.  He was 'tapped in' to the same Power we 'tap in' to.

Jesus, the man, the myth, is worth learning about.  We learn from him whether or not we realize it, and we are better people for it.

Brightest blessings, Friends!

Life: What it offers sometimes isn't what we expect!

Obviously, I have disappeared from Pagan Blog Project for the last couple of weeks.  Life has not trolled me, as it did last time, rather I have been busy with my students and with my own lessons.  Life has been quite awesome, despite the lingering cold of winter.

My own lessons have been more life lessons.  I have been dealing with a co-worker who is inherently negative.  When I say 'dealing with', what I mean is hitting her with so much positive energy that she either smiles or runs the other way.  Either way, her vibration rises for a few moments and she feels better.  Depending upon the day and how she wants to feel is how she reacts.  Lately, she has been running away, but she hasn't been unaffected by the positivity which surrounds her.  (Two of my other co-workers are inherently positive people, so they have been unknowingly bombarding her with positive energy, too.)

I have also found myself coming to certain realizations about life and people and recognizing how I read it or them.  My High Priest teaches that we all live out the myths and legends.  During the lessons on this, I got the concept and saw the truth of his words, but it didn't hit me until recently.  I have called it something different, recognizing it as 'The Pattern.'

All of life follows a specific series of events which repeat over and over again.  We call these things lessons because as we live the lessons, we either fall into a comfortable pattern of expectation (also called insanity) or we recognize the pattern and try something different.  In recent days and weeks, I have found myself stepping outside of The Pattern (at least, more than I normally do) and 'reading' events with a relatively accurate success rate as to how they will end.  Am I correct all of the time?  No.  Predicting when another person is going to give up their insanity (defined here as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results) isn't quite yet my strong suit.  I'm still working on observing the pattern of trial and error and seeing when frustration leads to a change of habit.  I may never be able to do that reliably with other people, though.  I know this.  However, in working on the pattern in my own life, I should be able to use it to recognize my own lessons and insanities and change my own failures into successes.

I like the allegory I was taught of living out the myths and legends.  It takes a difficult concept and gives a student something tangible like a story to wrap his or her brain around.  It gives us something to relate to because we have all read stories where we were drawn in and lived with the characters as they struggled through whatever was written.  In contrast, the only way I can describe 'The Pattern' is to compare it to being unplugged from the Matrix and being able to 'read' the symbols on the screen which represent certain people or programs.  It's not a perfectly accurate description, but it gives a relatively descent comparison.

So, while I haven't been doing much writing lately, I've been doing other work.  Sometimes life takes away things, like writing, because the receiving of my own lessons are more important.  Writing, for me, is an escape.  I step outside of life, whether it be good or bad, for just a little while, and become nothing more than brain, fingers, and keyboard.  Life has demanded that I be more than that these past few weeks.

Thank you, friends, for checking out my blog in this time, curious to read what I should write next.  It warms my heart and humbles me.

Brightest of blessings, wherever you are!