It's been a while since I have done one of these. I have come to understand that when someone is on my mind, it's probably because I am on theirs. It's never an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's been months since our last contact and I gave you nothing. I saw you in public that day, fawning over all of these people from your past. It's nice to think about all of the forgiveness you were given. It's nice to think about all of the forgiveness you begged from these people who only have to see you for show, right? I was different, though. Wasn't I? You begged for my good will. You begged for my forgiveness. Why didn't I joyfully give you what you so desperately desire? The short answer is because your whims and desires no longer affect me.
The long answer is that I don't owe you forgiveness despite your demand for it. I do not owe you forgiveness for acting in such a manner as I told you that you would act. I warned you that your actions have consequences and that once people you were mad at were out of the way, then you would find some inane reason to be mad at me. I warned you against the childish stomping of your feet and angry fists on hips demands that you made. I warned you that would keep being your response until you alienated everyone in your life. I warned you that pettiness would be your cloak for some time to come. I warned you that your lack of self-respect and addiction would ultimately be your undoing. I warned you that your need to control everything and everyone around you would come at a cost.
Well, that cost is a lack of respect and trust. You want so badly to be trusted, but you aren't trustworthy. You want so badly for people to see the person you wish you were instead of the person that you are. You can't seem to understand that when you open your mouth, your whims and desires spew forth veiled in frustration and vanity, trying to lead people to believe that you know more and are more than you actually are. Your words gush forth in a waterfall of victimhood. You don't understand how your words and actions affect other people and you don't want to know. You expect them to give you forgiveness because you do not believe that you have done anything wrong and that they are unreasonable. You expect others to simply allow you to create havoc wherever you go and to simply allow it to happen because you refuse to open your eyes to your own destructive behaviors.
The truth is, though, I kind of miss you. Yes, you were an addict. Yes, you were demanding. Yes, you were blind to all of the people you hurt because of your selfishness. All that said, you lived pretty authentically, despite the fact that you thought you were a good person. You wanted to be a good person as long as that meant you could have what you wanted without acknowledging who you hurt in the process.
Even now, your apologies consist of 'I was addicted and out of control' and 'I was such a slave to my substance of choice that I didn't know what I was doing'. We both know that isn't true. Your substance of choice simply gave you an excuse to say and do whatever you wanted. Now, you do what you want without that excuse and people still dislike you. Just like when you were an addict, they tolerate you because you can be useful. You make them money. You take up space when they need quiet time. You are their place holder when they have better things to do.
Love, you are still the same person. You are simply more in control. You still act within the very nature that made you an addict. It still makes you angry that I do not acknowledge your 'sorrow' and your 'regret'. Your program has done a great many wonders in your life. It has saved you from plenty of messy situations. What it hasn't done is saved you from yourself. Oh yes, I still hear from people about you. I hear that you haven't changed. These people don't know that I know you until after they tell me about the way you treat them. These people don't know that 'sober' you is just like 'addicted' you, but less fun and creative.
I want you to know that I never hated you. I still don't. I don't even dislike you, honestly. I'm not angry at what happened between us. I never have been. I was angry at your pettiness (and you know what I'm talking about. Twice!) but I never expected anything less, addicted or sober. You should also know that twice your pettiness didn't work and I suspect, even backfired on you, because we both know that I have a will of iron and you do not.
I want you to understand that, of all the people you know, I am the one who saw you clearly. I am the one who saw your you-ness and despite it wanted to be your friend. You need to understand that I did not accept your weird 12 step program bid for forgiveness because, despite what was between us, that forgiveness is not for me to grant. I have never held any ill will toward you for being who you are. Asking me to forgive you for who you are is not something I can do. You must find that place within yourself that acknowledges you aren't the person you want people to think you are and you must make peace with that. I always saw it and I was always okay with it. It was that person I warned you about knowing that you wouldn't listen.
One day, I hope to discover you have seen this and read it. I hope you understand it is not a judgment against your person. I have no doubt that you will one day do great things and get the recognition you deserve for being who you are. I hope life treats you more kindly than you treat most people. I hope that you find more people who see you clearly in times to come.
Blessings,
River
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's been months since our last contact and I gave you nothing. I saw you in public that day, fawning over all of these people from your past. It's nice to think about all of the forgiveness you were given. It's nice to think about all of the forgiveness you begged from these people who only have to see you for show, right? I was different, though. Wasn't I? You begged for my good will. You begged for my forgiveness. Why didn't I joyfully give you what you so desperately desire? The short answer is because your whims and desires no longer affect me.
The long answer is that I don't owe you forgiveness despite your demand for it. I do not owe you forgiveness for acting in such a manner as I told you that you would act. I warned you that your actions have consequences and that once people you were mad at were out of the way, then you would find some inane reason to be mad at me. I warned you against the childish stomping of your feet and angry fists on hips demands that you made. I warned you that would keep being your response until you alienated everyone in your life. I warned you that pettiness would be your cloak for some time to come. I warned you that your lack of self-respect and addiction would ultimately be your undoing. I warned you that your need to control everything and everyone around you would come at a cost.
Well, that cost is a lack of respect and trust. You want so badly to be trusted, but you aren't trustworthy. You want so badly for people to see the person you wish you were instead of the person that you are. You can't seem to understand that when you open your mouth, your whims and desires spew forth veiled in frustration and vanity, trying to lead people to believe that you know more and are more than you actually are. Your words gush forth in a waterfall of victimhood. You don't understand how your words and actions affect other people and you don't want to know. You expect them to give you forgiveness because you do not believe that you have done anything wrong and that they are unreasonable. You expect others to simply allow you to create havoc wherever you go and to simply allow it to happen because you refuse to open your eyes to your own destructive behaviors.
The truth is, though, I kind of miss you. Yes, you were an addict. Yes, you were demanding. Yes, you were blind to all of the people you hurt because of your selfishness. All that said, you lived pretty authentically, despite the fact that you thought you were a good person. You wanted to be a good person as long as that meant you could have what you wanted without acknowledging who you hurt in the process.
Even now, your apologies consist of 'I was addicted and out of control' and 'I was such a slave to my substance of choice that I didn't know what I was doing'. We both know that isn't true. Your substance of choice simply gave you an excuse to say and do whatever you wanted. Now, you do what you want without that excuse and people still dislike you. Just like when you were an addict, they tolerate you because you can be useful. You make them money. You take up space when they need quiet time. You are their place holder when they have better things to do.
Love, you are still the same person. You are simply more in control. You still act within the very nature that made you an addict. It still makes you angry that I do not acknowledge your 'sorrow' and your 'regret'. Your program has done a great many wonders in your life. It has saved you from plenty of messy situations. What it hasn't done is saved you from yourself. Oh yes, I still hear from people about you. I hear that you haven't changed. These people don't know that I know you until after they tell me about the way you treat them. These people don't know that 'sober' you is just like 'addicted' you, but less fun and creative.
I want you to know that I never hated you. I still don't. I don't even dislike you, honestly. I'm not angry at what happened between us. I never have been. I was angry at your pettiness (and you know what I'm talking about. Twice!) but I never expected anything less, addicted or sober. You should also know that twice your pettiness didn't work and I suspect, even backfired on you, because we both know that I have a will of iron and you do not.
I want you to understand that, of all the people you know, I am the one who saw you clearly. I am the one who saw your you-ness and despite it wanted to be your friend. You need to understand that I did not accept your weird 12 step program bid for forgiveness because, despite what was between us, that forgiveness is not for me to grant. I have never held any ill will toward you for being who you are. Asking me to forgive you for who you are is not something I can do. You must find that place within yourself that acknowledges you aren't the person you want people to think you are and you must make peace with that. I always saw it and I was always okay with it. It was that person I warned you about knowing that you wouldn't listen.
One day, I hope to discover you have seen this and read it. I hope you understand it is not a judgment against your person. I have no doubt that you will one day do great things and get the recognition you deserve for being who you are. I hope life treats you more kindly than you treat most people. I hope that you find more people who see you clearly in times to come.
Blessings,
River
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