I'm beginning the new decade by writing this letter. It has been some months in coming. You see, when people have secrets, they do not love it when one tells them. Even more, they do not love it when one tells those secrets to people who are actually listening. These people send in those who would do anything for them, including making excuses for the abuses they mete out within the community.
I begin this letter by saying that I am a great many things in this world, but a liar is not one of them. I have been called such, behind my back of course. Then, those who have never found a reason to distrust me rarely have anything to hide.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Dearest Little One,
Yes, I'll be referring to you as such, Little One. It is the most appropriate descriptor of your mental and emotional space. You see, your "savior" thought your mental and emotional abuse by your mother was something to be exploited. Behind your back, she openly laughed at your immaturity and how you are at nearly 30, still a 15-year-old child. Your savior openly laughed at your alcoholism and called you an alcoholic more than once. Behind your back, of course. You were rarely included in our Friday (and sometimes, Wednesday) night hangouts at the covenstead because, according to your beloved savior, nobody in the coven could stand you. You don't even know how much you missed out on because no one would tell you. It was a relief for them that you weren't there. I was summoned to the covenstead damn near every week for something. Did you know that? Sometimes it was a chat. Sometimes it was to gossip about that church just down the road. That coven drinks. A lot. Other times it was just to hang out, but there was always an ulterior motive.
Lots of times, it was because you had some drama in your life that week and nobody gave a shit, so they called me in to get some kind of perspective. I was the new person, so I had some empathy left for a struggling young woman just looking to find her place in this world. I can't tell you how many times I was summoned to class early or called over on Friday night to discuss your life, Little One. I had to listen to your savior openly laugh at your misunderstanding of BDSM. She admitted to me that she didn't even bother to correct you because she knew it wouldn't do any good.
Little One, even your elevation was my idea. (Or did the rug get pulled out from under you at the last second?) I was so exhausted with the two-faced bullshit in the coven by the time I left, one of the last conversations I had with your savior was about being bored with her just taking us in circles. Remember that discussion you and I had? What I didn't tell you was that I also asked her, point-blank, why you hadn't been elevated yet. After 10 years, she should have made the effort to push you down the road you had been begging to take. She came up with multiple excuses, of course. You don't finish what you start. Your mental health. You needed a priest. You know, I looked at her and said something to the effect of, "Until you let her start down that path, she is never going to leave. She will either find out how difficult it is and quit or she will keep going and you will have to elevate her. If she is such a pain in the ass and nobody likes her in the group, why are you holding her back, anyway? Push her out, hive her off and be done. Problem solved."
Not a month later, you were staring down 2 years until elevation and your own group, Little One. Barring, of course, that you could navigate her power trips. You always missed the power trips. She knew that, due to your abuse, you would put up with anything if it was said nicely and with enough 'empathy.' She knew that as long as she approached you will logic instead of screaming and throwing things, then she would be just fine. She also knew that she wouldn't even have to put that much effort into you and she laughed about it. She laughed at how easy you were to manipulate because you didn't know what true kindness was.
She bragged about how easy it was to keep you in line. She bragged about how she knew you needed more therapy but couldn't or wouldn't convince you to keep going. (I suspect she wouldn't because that would mean that eventually you would have the tools in your toolbox to know what she was doing to you and she didn't want to lose her power over you.) Everyone but you and your beloved knew how much she manipulated you.
They all knew you were simply begging for motherly approval and that even her half-approval would be enough for you. She knew that she could get you to do anything she wanted if she told you that you did a good job, but her favorite thing to do to you was 'critique' your writing, rituals, and anything you presented her. She was exceptionally mean to you and would plan a lot of that stuff out and rehearse it with the others. I wouldn't participate in that foolishness. That's meanness and you didn't deserve it. (Oh, yes, we had discussions about your ritual writing, too, and how she thought it was garbage. She bragged about how much fun they had ripping it apart and then going back over it and ripping apart the stuff that they thought was okay. They even made a point to make sure and leave a few of the original bits so you wouldn't be quite so upset.) I was all an elaborate put on that they took pleasure in. They knew that you would take the 'help' with a straight face and be upset because you couldn't understand what you had done wrong.
How many times did she look at you and say, "Well, you're wrong," and couldn't tell you how or why you were wrong. Did you know she used to do that to me, as well? Oh, she tried it exactly 3 times. The first time she did it, I asked, "How?" She stumbled. She stuttered. She couldn't tell me how I was wrong. She changed the subject. The second time, I asked her, "Why?" Again, she stuttered and she stumbled. She changed the subject. The third time, I pressed her. "How? Why? Which part?" She only responded with, "Well, you're wrong," and she did that thing where she flares her nostrils indignantly and acts like it is supposed to be some kind of power move. I asked again, "Which part is wrong? If I am wrong about something, I want to be corrected. I'm not beyond being taught." She was angry at being questioned. "You're just wrong and you won't understand why," she responded. To that, I laughed. (Because we all know that I don't have any sense and will absolutely laugh at someone trying to manipulate me.) I laughed at her to her face and said, "I'm wrong because you say so? We both know that you'll have to do better than that! Again, if I'm actually wrong, I'm open to being educated as to why not 'because I say so'."
You understand, Little One, that that is a form of gaslighting, right? Relying on your manipulator as your only source of 'reliable' information and being told you're wrong without explanation or education is how she kept you all in line. She also quite enjoyed letting you all come to your own conclusions about myths (remember the PowerPoint by your raptor friend?) and then make utter fools of yourselves when you put in all of that time and energy and missed the whole point you were trying to make. That was another conversation she and I had privately. She thought that shit was hysterical. I was summoned to the covenstead after that class and listened to the 2nds and 3rds howling about how ridiculous and just plain wrong it was. It was just another manipulation. When I asked why he wasn't corrected or guided in the appropriate direction, everybody laughed. She shrugged her shoulders and changed the subject.
Now, I suspect (though it was never actually spoken) that she 'saved' you from those others 'using you up', so that she could convince you that you owe her something, maybe a life debt or something foolish like that, for when her own life starts to wane. (As it has been for a while now.) Has she asked you to open any gates or use any of those mysterious keys the two of you were always going on about? If she hasn't yet, don't worry, she will and she will do it in such a way that she will make you think it is your idea or some kind of duty. It isn't. Remember that. No one can lay claim to your energies or talents and no one can tell you that you owe them. This isn't some fantasy novel where you are some kind of hero.
Mostly, I write this letter to you because I don't want you to turn into her. You need to know that she isn't a nice person. She isn't a good person. What you see behind closed doors is the real her and she thinks you are a stupid little girl. If a person has to cultivate a professional demeanor to interact with people outside of their own coven, then that person is a liar and a con. If a person has to be someone else to be heard, then they have their own issues that need to be addressed by a mental health professional. More than all of that, if a person does all of this creating of a public personality and people still don't believe it, then the world is not wrong. You are.
Little One, it is a very rare instance that you are wrong about something. You have a keen mind. Yet, you allow her to do the same thing to you that those who would have used you up did. You allow her to use you up in a different way. You allow her to hold you back in a way that keeps you from seeing the forest for the trees.
While I don't respect that, I do have some modicum of respect for you as a young woman just looking to find her way in this world. I hope you have gotten away from her and I hope that you can someday see her for who she is, not who she wants you to see her as.
Just because you don't see her abuse for what it is doesn't mean that she isn't an A+ abuser.
May the blinders fall off in this new decade and may you find your way,
River
I begin this letter by saying that I am a great many things in this world, but a liar is not one of them. I have been called such, behind my back of course. Then, those who have never found a reason to distrust me rarely have anything to hide.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Dearest Little One,
Yes, I'll be referring to you as such, Little One. It is the most appropriate descriptor of your mental and emotional space. You see, your "savior" thought your mental and emotional abuse by your mother was something to be exploited. Behind your back, she openly laughed at your immaturity and how you are at nearly 30, still a 15-year-old child. Your savior openly laughed at your alcoholism and called you an alcoholic more than once. Behind your back, of course. You were rarely included in our Friday (and sometimes, Wednesday) night hangouts at the covenstead because, according to your beloved savior, nobody in the coven could stand you. You don't even know how much you missed out on because no one would tell you. It was a relief for them that you weren't there. I was summoned to the covenstead damn near every week for something. Did you know that? Sometimes it was a chat. Sometimes it was to gossip about that church just down the road. That coven drinks. A lot. Other times it was just to hang out, but there was always an ulterior motive.
Lots of times, it was because you had some drama in your life that week and nobody gave a shit, so they called me in to get some kind of perspective. I was the new person, so I had some empathy left for a struggling young woman just looking to find her place in this world. I can't tell you how many times I was summoned to class early or called over on Friday night to discuss your life, Little One. I had to listen to your savior openly laugh at your misunderstanding of BDSM. She admitted to me that she didn't even bother to correct you because she knew it wouldn't do any good.
Little One, even your elevation was my idea. (Or did the rug get pulled out from under you at the last second?) I was so exhausted with the two-faced bullshit in the coven by the time I left, one of the last conversations I had with your savior was about being bored with her just taking us in circles. Remember that discussion you and I had? What I didn't tell you was that I also asked her, point-blank, why you hadn't been elevated yet. After 10 years, she should have made the effort to push you down the road you had been begging to take. She came up with multiple excuses, of course. You don't finish what you start. Your mental health. You needed a priest. You know, I looked at her and said something to the effect of, "Until you let her start down that path, she is never going to leave. She will either find out how difficult it is and quit or she will keep going and you will have to elevate her. If she is such a pain in the ass and nobody likes her in the group, why are you holding her back, anyway? Push her out, hive her off and be done. Problem solved."
Not a month later, you were staring down 2 years until elevation and your own group, Little One. Barring, of course, that you could navigate her power trips. You always missed the power trips. She knew that, due to your abuse, you would put up with anything if it was said nicely and with enough 'empathy.' She knew that as long as she approached you will logic instead of screaming and throwing things, then she would be just fine. She also knew that she wouldn't even have to put that much effort into you and she laughed about it. She laughed at how easy you were to manipulate because you didn't know what true kindness was.
She bragged about how easy it was to keep you in line. She bragged about how she knew you needed more therapy but couldn't or wouldn't convince you to keep going. (I suspect she wouldn't because that would mean that eventually you would have the tools in your toolbox to know what she was doing to you and she didn't want to lose her power over you.) Everyone but you and your beloved knew how much she manipulated you.
They all knew you were simply begging for motherly approval and that even her half-approval would be enough for you. She knew that she could get you to do anything she wanted if she told you that you did a good job, but her favorite thing to do to you was 'critique' your writing, rituals, and anything you presented her. She was exceptionally mean to you and would plan a lot of that stuff out and rehearse it with the others. I wouldn't participate in that foolishness. That's meanness and you didn't deserve it. (Oh, yes, we had discussions about your ritual writing, too, and how she thought it was garbage. She bragged about how much fun they had ripping it apart and then going back over it and ripping apart the stuff that they thought was okay. They even made a point to make sure and leave a few of the original bits so you wouldn't be quite so upset.) I was all an elaborate put on that they took pleasure in. They knew that you would take the 'help' with a straight face and be upset because you couldn't understand what you had done wrong.
How many times did she look at you and say, "Well, you're wrong," and couldn't tell you how or why you were wrong. Did you know she used to do that to me, as well? Oh, she tried it exactly 3 times. The first time she did it, I asked, "How?" She stumbled. She stuttered. She couldn't tell me how I was wrong. She changed the subject. The second time, I asked her, "Why?" Again, she stuttered and she stumbled. She changed the subject. The third time, I pressed her. "How? Why? Which part?" She only responded with, "Well, you're wrong," and she did that thing where she flares her nostrils indignantly and acts like it is supposed to be some kind of power move. I asked again, "Which part is wrong? If I am wrong about something, I want to be corrected. I'm not beyond being taught." She was angry at being questioned. "You're just wrong and you won't understand why," she responded. To that, I laughed. (Because we all know that I don't have any sense and will absolutely laugh at someone trying to manipulate me.) I laughed at her to her face and said, "I'm wrong because you say so? We both know that you'll have to do better than that! Again, if I'm actually wrong, I'm open to being educated as to why not 'because I say so'."
You understand, Little One, that that is a form of gaslighting, right? Relying on your manipulator as your only source of 'reliable' information and being told you're wrong without explanation or education is how she kept you all in line. She also quite enjoyed letting you all come to your own conclusions about myths (remember the PowerPoint by your raptor friend?) and then make utter fools of yourselves when you put in all of that time and energy and missed the whole point you were trying to make. That was another conversation she and I had privately. She thought that shit was hysterical. I was summoned to the covenstead after that class and listened to the 2nds and 3rds howling about how ridiculous and just plain wrong it was. It was just another manipulation. When I asked why he wasn't corrected or guided in the appropriate direction, everybody laughed. She shrugged her shoulders and changed the subject.
Now, I suspect (though it was never actually spoken) that she 'saved' you from those others 'using you up', so that she could convince you that you owe her something, maybe a life debt or something foolish like that, for when her own life starts to wane. (As it has been for a while now.) Has she asked you to open any gates or use any of those mysterious keys the two of you were always going on about? If she hasn't yet, don't worry, she will and she will do it in such a way that she will make you think it is your idea or some kind of duty. It isn't. Remember that. No one can lay claim to your energies or talents and no one can tell you that you owe them. This isn't some fantasy novel where you are some kind of hero.
Mostly, I write this letter to you because I don't want you to turn into her. You need to know that she isn't a nice person. She isn't a good person. What you see behind closed doors is the real her and she thinks you are a stupid little girl. If a person has to cultivate a professional demeanor to interact with people outside of their own coven, then that person is a liar and a con. If a person has to be someone else to be heard, then they have their own issues that need to be addressed by a mental health professional. More than all of that, if a person does all of this creating of a public personality and people still don't believe it, then the world is not wrong. You are.
Little One, it is a very rare instance that you are wrong about something. You have a keen mind. Yet, you allow her to do the same thing to you that those who would have used you up did. You allow her to use you up in a different way. You allow her to hold you back in a way that keeps you from seeing the forest for the trees.
While I don't respect that, I do have some modicum of respect for you as a young woman just looking to find her way in this world. I hope you have gotten away from her and I hope that you can someday see her for who she is, not who she wants you to see her as.
Just because you don't see her abuse for what it is doesn't mean that she isn't an A+ abuser.
May the blinders fall off in this new decade and may you find your way,
River
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