Toxic Positivity Culture- Redux

I wrote this blog originally in 2018. It has been on my mind a lot lately, so I thought I would expand on it some.

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I see a lot of posts on social media where a person is having a bad day and they apologize for being in a bad mood. I see these posts where people have a chronic illness and apologize for having a bad day. What do they have to apologize for? From where I sit, nothing. In today's world, there is this idea that one must be positive no matter what. There is this idea that one must smile through the tears or joyfully endure the illness, abuse, or other bad thing happening. Why? Is it to show how strong one is? Is it to show how much one can take before breaking? Is it simply this weird positivity culture that we live in? The idea that there is so much bad in the world, so each individual must be the good?

Why would anyone apologize for their righteous anger? You are allowed to be angry at the state of the world. YOu are allowed to be angry at the state of your mental health. You are allowed to be exhausted by the negativity that you see and experience in this time and place. You are allowed to be all of these things unapologetically. Do you drink to cope? Smoke week? Exercise too much or too little? That's okay, too. Everyone has to cope and sometimes we choose to cope in ways that we know aren't the best for us.

The idea that bad things only happen to "vibrationally low" people is also an insane notion, and while we are discussing that, we'll as the idea that all negativity "lowers vibration." This type of gaslighting permeates open-minded society. Again, why?

This meme in an exceptionally good example of pseudospiritual gaslighting. I do believe that people project their own issues onto others; I do not believe that one should carry the burden of others issues because they believe that person is a mirror of something deep down that needs acceptance.

You are not a mirror for your narcissist, rapist, child molestor, or abuser. Those people abusing you is about them projecting their will or deviancy upon you in a harmful and debilitating way. There is nothing for you to mirror.

The idea that we are mirrors is probably one of the reasons every new pagan is somehow an empath. First, anyone can think they are an empath if they are taking on the burden of  'fixing' their abusers. Second, toxic positivity teaches us that we must somehow fight the negative in the world. It teaches us that it is our job to fight the bad vibrations, lift up the people who appear to need it. It teaches us to embrace our shadow but only in a 'good' way. Shadow work is dark, messy, and only comes to the good once we master it. Then, we get to go deeper and deeper. It is a never-ending process.

Another part of toxic positivity culture is when we walk into gatherings and someone says, "HAPPY MONDAY!" (Or whatever day of the week.) Why is it happy? What if my grandmother just died and I'm only just barely holding it together? Is this a declaratrion that I need to act happy? Is this some kind of affirmation? What if I am at a job that I hate and I know the person is fake as fuck? Is this a challenge or are they faking it? Whatever the answer to the questions, the idea that one must always be joyous in all things is ridiculous.

Now, before I get ripped I would like to point out that, yes, affirmations work. Yes, cognitive behavioral therapy works. These are not the things I'm referring to. I'm referring, specifically, to the damage we do to ourselves within toxic positivity culture. The idea that one must apologize for feeling something other than positive. Apologies that begin, "I'm sorry, and I always try to stay positive, but..." But nothing! You are allowed to feel this emotion. You are allowed to spend time with it. You are allowed to release it.

Apologizing for feeling an emotion can do more damage. You wouldn't allow someone to tell you to be positive if you were diabetic and were having high sugars, would you? No. In the same way, you wouldn't let them tell you all of the things you should be doing to get those sugars down because you already know. Why would you allow someone to dismiss your feelings in the same way? Why would you want someone to insist that you pretend to be happy so you can 'fake it until you make it'? You wouldn't. None of us do.

Be aware of your thoughts. Listen to your body. Do not use your feeling down to lash out or blame other people. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotion you feel. There's no reason to beat yourself up. Find something that comforts you when you feel this way, music, poetry, art, a nice tea. Allow yourself to enjoy this thing and repeat an affirmation. With some training, your thoughts on not being 'allowed' to feel that way change. They change to a type of self-comfort.

I write these things because positivity can change the brain. This is known. However, the idea that just saying vaguely positive things changes the brain, especially if they are backward compliments, defeats the idea. Not believing the words also defeats the purpose. We have to stop gaslighting ourselves into being positive. If there is a health issue, we must address it. If there is an emotional issue, we must address it. Not addressing these things from all sides, spiritual, physical, and emotional, leaves us only partly healed.

Listen to the words to speak to yourself. Are you healing or are you sorry you feel bad? Are you doing the best you can or are you a failure? If you wouldn't let your most hated enemy say these words to you, then why do you say them to yourself? Don't let someone else's idea of positivity be your yardstick. Don't let someone's fake positivity make you feel like you are somehow damaged or broken in some way.

Blessed be,
River