Pagan Blog Prompts: Matrons and Patrons

I love Pagan Blog Prompts!  If you can't think of something to write about, then you can always go there and they have some really good suggestions.  So, this week's topic is Matron and Patron deities and I figured that it was a good topic to discuss my often strange relationship with my own main deities.

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For a long time now, I have been a worshiper of Hekate and Ares.  They are my main deities on this pagan path I walk.  I have written about how they came to be in my life, so I don't think that it is important to re-hash those stories, but I do believe that it is important for me to discuss my relationship with them in the broader sense of my own practice.

There are those who believe that to have a Matron and Patron deity means one must worship them exclusively.  While I am sure that there are deities out there who refuse to let their adherents worship 'interloper' deities, mine have granted me a measure of latitude with this.  We have an understanding, of sorts, that I may work with deities who approach me, but if I am to approach another deity, then I must ask permission of Hekate and Ares first.

The first deity to take a shining to me was Artemis.  She comes to me as a young warrior maiden, 16-18 years old.  While she is quite serious and ready for battle, there is also a playful air about her.  She is quick to laugh and make a bit of silliness, but always on guard.  She often likes to hum or sing when she is experiencing joy, but that melodic voice turns to a growl when it is time for battle.

When the young maiden goddess approached me for the first time, it was with Hekate.  My Lady gave us both a warning, "You may cavort and even make war, but remember who you, dear Daughter, belong to."

Artemis laughed and bowed deeply to Hekate.  "She is yours, Lady, until such a time that you say she is no longer yours."  I, too, bowed and thanked Hekate for allowing me this particular experience.  It wasn't long after, that Athena began hanging around, too.

Since then, she has come into and out of my life.  The sacred weaver was not brought to me by Hekate, but came alone and with her blessing.  The goddess Brid also hangs around in her Maiden form.  She approached me a couple of years ago during a Moon Lodge, where I was gifted Her flame and some water from Her well.

Brid often reminds me of my roots.  She reminds me that no matter how many generations removed I am from the Isles, there is a part of me that always has a home there.

After Brid, comes the Dark Goddesses, the Morrigan, Kali, and Hel.  I 'rode the road to Hel' and back when I was but a wee, baby pagan via a journey I took.  She was the first of the Dark Goddesses I worked with, and she has stuck around all of these years, in the background of my worship, not really asking anything of me, but not giving me anything either.  I believe that I may be a curiosity to Her, one worth watching.  Either that, or I am like a train wreck and she simply can not look away.

Kali is in my life much in the same way Hel is.  She stands in the background, watching.  I am quite sure that if she were to be unleashed in my life, it would be traumatic, yet the best for me.

The Morrigan, however, has an interesting tale in my goddess journey.  As Dark Goddesses go, she has taken a liking to me.  Hekate gave me the same warning with the Morrigan as she did with Artemis and I have always respected that boundary.  However, I think, sometimes, the Morrigan pushes it.  She comes through to me as strongly as Hekate some days, poking me with her staff, giving me messages, and giving me warnings.  Hekate is there, usually silent, waiting in the background.  She gives me a nod and a wicked smile, as though the two are working together.

The Gods in my life have been less transient and strong.  Cernunnos appears at certain times and, often bids me to find wild spaces.  Ares smiles and gets a particular light in his eyes.  The two of them seem to push me to recharge when I simply forget to do so.

I feel fortunate that my spiritual life is so rich with the wisdom of the Otherworlds.  The gods often remind me that I am not super-human and that my trials and triumphs are what make this life and they are integral to my growth.


Brightest blessings, Friends!

Therianthropy and Otherkin-ness

It seems that the cultural new year is going to have me blogging about some deeply personal topics, potentially.  Dearest readers, if you do not want to hear about these things, please feel free to email me and say so.  If you want to read more of these kinds of things, also, let me know. :)  As always, I do enjoy hearing from my readers.  Now, on to our story!!

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When I was but a wee, baby pagan many moons ago, I was introduced to the terms 'therianthrope' and 'therianthropy' through a group of people on a message board.  Most of these people were shamanists of one ilk or another.  One of these ladies was a dear, dear friend of mine, and though we do not talk much any more, is someone whom I still hold in very high regard.  For those who have not ever heard these terms, therianthropy is the recognition that ones soul is bestial or non-human, and is also known as Otherkin.  I have known those who identified as snow leopard, honey badger, dragon, angel, and elf, among many others.  At the time, my consciousness had not expanded enough to fully grasp what this meant to the individual, despite the fact that I simply accepted it as another part of who these people were.

As I have grown into my teen years as a pagan, I have come across those (more sparingly now, though) who own the label of Otherkin.  They freely speak of their clans, tribes, or packs, their history and, even, their species as though it is the most normal and rational of things. (Because we all know that 'normal' and 'rational' are words that totally describe the pagan experience of the world!) I discuss these things with these people secretly jealous that they simply accept these parts of themselves.  I am also surprised and secretly jealous that these people know so much of their own past life or multi-universal history.

For the past year or so, I have been struggling to accept my own Otherkin-ness.  It makes perfect sense to me that ones eternal essence would identify with some past life or some other life within the multiverse, human or not.  Unfortunately for me, that rational part of my brain (there's that damn word again) laughs hysterically and breaks when I am faced with what I know.  Not once, through the years have I looked at my Otherkin friends and deemed them crazy.  Not once!  Yet, I look at myself and wonder just, exactly, how I'm not crazy for thinking the same way.  (There's not a bit of hypocrisy in that statement...)

Then, begins my internal dialogue. (Because talking to yourself isn't crazy either...)  I remind myself that the Oracle at Delphi says, "Know Thyself" and to do that, I must explore all of myself, past, present, and future.  Then I whine about wanting to be 'normal' and that is followed by chastising myself that I don't want to be like my family.  It's this cycle of excuses and hacking through those excuses and it has been for some time now, but ultimately, I come back to center.  I come back to this place where I am at a stalemate with myself and I let the topic sit for a while.

So, how does one, like myself, who blends in and does the 'normal' thing so well, come to terms with the realization that she is Other?  Well, I'm not sure, but I do know this: Having come to walk a more shamanic path is going to put me nose-to-nose with this particular reality.  It already has in very subtle ways.

A week ago, I journeyed to the Glastig.  She reminded me of my Otherkin-ness and she reminded me of some things, acknowledged that I am now a creature of fire.  So, now, it is time for me to move into the element of Dark Water and begin accepting these things about myself.  I'm still not sure how it is going to play out for me and I am still not sure how I'm going to reconcile it in my mind, but I do know that I will manage.

So, if you are one of an unfortunate few out there who, like me, struggle with spiritual aspects of yourself, remember that you aren't the only one.  If you have been presented with 'crazy' or outlandish images of yourself that simply can't be 'true', remember: Our True Self is much different than the masks we wear.  It is much more than these mortal bones.  The True Self is eternal and sees what our mortal brains refuse to acknowledge.  You aren't crazy.  Your consciousness is expanding and with that expansion, the Ego becomes diminished.  It's the Ego, in a panic, that whispers those doubtful thoughts.  It is the Ego, not wanting to let go that cries out about rationality.

With this new year, I am going to strive to accept these things about myself.  Why can't I simply be?  Why, Ego, do you blaspheme me and try to convince me that I am smaller than I truly am?

Brightest blessings, Friends, and Happy New Year!

Out of the Darkness and Into the Light

Now that Yule is past and the Sun King has been reborn and the Crone has transformed back into the Maiden, the time for reflection is done.  The light has now turned back outward and it is time to begin choosing the seeds to plant in the coming spring.  What challenges were you given to overcome in this darkest part of the year?  For me, this dark period brought a bit of hibernation.  For nigh on six weeks, I didn't do much visiting.  I didn't engage in too much counsel with others.  As the solstice approached (literally, a week ago), I picked up where I left off at Samhain, with the work I was doing.  Looking back, this was a very real side effect of the magic I worked at summer's end.  This will be another blog which is a bit more personal than I usually write, it seems.

On Samhain night, I performed a widdershins ritual.  I traversed into the Underworld and laid 2 precious things at Hekate's feet, and I asked her to transform them into what She needed them to be.  Those things will not be named here because of the nature of the magic, but I will talk about some of the challenges I was forced to face in this dark time.

In regards to the first thing I gave to my Lady, my eyes have been opened to many of my own struggles with it, the acceptance of it.  I have become a creature of habit in my aging and, despite the fact that I like change sometimes, I still resist change more than I let it happen.  I know (and, honestly, have known) that this particular thing is going to transform my life in ways that I simply can not fathom.  She has now forced me to face this and see it for what it is.  It is something I both love and loathe.  It is something that I both want and don't want.  It is something that She has thrust upon my shoulders and told me that I have no choice but to carry.  So, I feel this physical weight upon my shoulders now and some days it is heavier, while some days it is lighter.  She has forced me to look at my own physical, mental, and emotional limitations and I know what I must do.

With the second thing, the Lady opened my eyes to some things which I have known, and honestly, hate.  She has removed my blinders (self-imposed, of course) and poked me in the eyes Three Stooges style.  Once again, I didn't like it, but no one likes having the obvious pointed out when they are being dumb. (And, yes, I was being dumb.)  "This no longer grows your soul," She said to me.  "Why keep holding it close to your heart?"  I gave Her some vapid excuse and BAM! Poked in the eyes. Hekate does not allow me the luxury of being dumb simply for the sake of being dumb.  It simply isn't tolerated.  So, the transformation of this thing has begun in earnest, after holding on to it for so long.  It is painful, probably moreso than the first, but that pain is my resistance to letting it go and simply letting it be what it is.

This second thing has also (and maybe more importantly) opened my eyes to the nature of my own past lives, and one in particular.  I see it playing out in this lifetime in an almost identical way as it did in that previous life.  I don't know if it is simply the nature of the soul and the lessons we carry from lifetime to lifetime, or if it is a lesson heretofore unlearned by myself and/or this other person (whom I am pretty certain hasn't remembered our time together), or if our souls are simply meant to play this out over and over again as we meet throughout the aeons.  The way these things are happening distresses me as much in this life as it did in my memory, but if things keep going as they did last time (and yes, I kept up with this person's life as best I could in my last life) then things will be better than fine for this person and I will, through my sadness, be able to smile with joy at their accomplishments, just as I did before.

The nature of the darkness tends to force us into a state of blindness.  In that blindness we have to use our other senses to overcome our fear and trepidation.  Sometimes, it takes the return of the light to show us that we were never truly blind at all.  Willful ignorance is not acceptable.  Standing still is not acceptable.  Fear is not acceptable.  So, now that the god has turned his face back to the Earth, will you allow the shadows in your life to fall behind you?  Will you muster up the courage you need to plant seeds in the spring?  That is what I plan on doing.  I plan on being courageous and walking toward the light.

Brightest Blessings, Friends!

Past Lives: The Memories, What Do You Do With Them?

The past life experience and recovering memories is a topic that seems to have a revolving door kind of popularity.  It's a big thing for a while and then it isn't.  However, on some pagan paths, it could be counted as an important aspect for the practitioner.  Why?  It is important because we carry issues, thought processes, and even lessons from our past lives into our current one.  It is important because as practitioners of the Craft we strive to "Know Thyself."

I know that at this point in my life, I am struggling with a particular past life memory.  The last few days of that life spontaneously came back to me about this time last year.  While I lived an honorable life, the last few days were horrific.  I was a high ranking military official type and committed treason to prove a point.  My point was proven and I was put to death, but I did not die.  In the end, I was 'saved' by a witch and when I was well enough to leave, I wandered as a vigilante, of sorts, hunting down those who murdered me and, more importantly I believe, searching for those friends who never left my side.

Over the last year, I have had more bits of this particular past life come back.  I have recognized, in this life, those whom I lost in that one.  Yes, we have reincarnated together.  My struggle is two-fold with this recognition.  First, my honor (I think) won't let me tell these people.  I recognize that they have to remember this for themselves and if they haven't yet then they probably aren't ready to.  I also struggle with the fact that I was pretty bad-assed in that life.  I remember being nearly fearless.  My attitude was almost like, "Let's fuck some stuff up and see what happens!"  I was very principled and had no problem proving a point.

I am not like that in this life.  Am I clever?  Sometimes.  Am I cautious and calculating?  Most of the time.  There seems to be more care in this life to the effects of my actions.  I seem to be more diplomatic in this life and less 'kill them all and let god sort them out.'

So, I am exploring these memories.  I am experiencing them, seeing the action and feeling the emotions over and over and then, I am divorcing myself from the emotions and trying to look at the actions I took from a more objective place.  I am even exploring the emotions to see just why I would feel them in regards to what I did and what happened to me.

Already, it has explained some things to me, at least to some extent.  It has shown me why I have such a strange sense of right and wrong (it tends to be slightly more black and white than most people's), but it has also shown me that sometimes the right thing to do appears wrong to everyone else.  It has shown me that sometimes one must stand alone in what is right, so I appreciate more those who take a stand that may be unpopular.

This exploration has shown me just how important it is to trust those who have proven themselves time and again to be trustworthy.  Here, I mean those who own their words and actions, no matter how popular or unpopular.  More importantly, this exploration has shown me that I must be the same way.  It has shown me that sometimes the right thing to do is to shatter the illusion, whether it is created by yourself or another.  If we do the difficult thing and it is the best thing we can do for ourselves, then we have done right.  (And, maybe this lesson is a modern day variation on the 'kill them all and let god sort them out' attitude, I'm not sure.)

Now, as I figure this past life stuff out, I can see that there are lessons I still haven't learned, lessons I am still learning, and lessons I bring with me into this life.  It doesn't make the emotions I feel presently any more or less palatable, but it does give me some insight into why things are being presented to me in this life as they are.  It doesn't take the fear away, because I am not a fearless being in this life.  However, I can make peace with my choices because I know that I have made them before on one level or another.  Do any of you, dear readers, struggle with past life memories?  Do you struggle to integrate them into this life or just accept them for what they are?  I am sincerely curious.

Brightest blessings, Friends!

Ares: God of War, God of Mercy, God of Laughter

Today, I'm going to get a little more personal than I normally do on this blog.  I'm going to talk about my patron god, Ares.  Many Wiccan woman often overlook the God in their lives, for their service to the Goddess.  I am quite guilty of this myself.  I often talk about Hekate and what She has done for me, yet, I do not speak of Ares, and He has been just as pivotal in my growth as She.

I have been a daughter of Ares since about mid-2008.  Yes, He came into my life even before Hekate made herself known.  Early on my newly pagan path, maybe 2002 or 03, I had been chosen by Demeter and Poseidon.  Well, it was kind of a mutual thing.  I asked if I could worship them and they accepted, so Ares and Hekate weren't my first patron deities.  Sometime in 2007, both Demeter and Poseidon began to not be there as much.  I noticed the loss and felt quite bereft that they were 'abandoning' me.

At that point in my life, I wasn't quite as resistant as I am now to change, so I did not rail against them and blame them for being horrible.  I simply accepted it as they moved farther and farther away.  In my confusion, I did a meditation and went to Demeter.  I begged her not to go.  With her kind, motherly smile, she said, "I am not really going anywhere.  You have simply grown past what I can teach you now.  I am stepping away to help those who need me more than you do.  Just keep on this path and all will be revealed in time."

I listened to the words of the Great Mother.  Through my sadness, I kept moving forward.  Poseidon did not even allow me to enter his realm at this point, which added to my sadness.  Months later, in 2008, much was revealed.  I was, again, doing a meditation.  I was asking for clarification in my loss.  I was in a forest, not my normal moonlit beach, walking a dirt path when Ares jumped out of the underbrush with a yell and scared the crap out of me.  Yes, friends, you read that right.  I almost had heart failure because the God of War thought it would be hysterical to announce himself by jumping out of a bush at me.

He wore a long, dark cloak and a hood as he did this, so I could not really determine who I was speaking with for a few minutes.  When I finally calmed down and wasn't screaming expletives at him for scaring me, he helped me get up from the ground and he removed his hood.  Looking fully into his face, I asked him, "Who are you?"  (Instinct told me, but I didn't want to admit it.)

His dark eyes glimmered with mirth and his gave me this lopsided smirk.  "You know who I am," was his reply.  I stuttered and stammered for a moment and he kind of cut me off.  "We have some things to attend to," he said. Ares grabbed my hand and practically dragged me down the dirt path.

We ended up at my beach, where I always met to speak to Demeter and dive to meet Poseidon.  At this point, dread filled me completely.  With a bit of urging (and force) we swam to Poseidon's kingdom.  It was at this point, my greatest of fears were unleashed.  With sadness in his unblinking eyes, Poseidon told me that there were lessons to be learned in the realm of men which he could not teach me because even he did not understand them.  (I suspect that he had no interest in them.)  He told me that there were some things that I must know and Ares would teach them to me because he actively worked in the realm of men.  Poseidon said, "I am giving you to Ares for a year and a day.  The battles you must fight now are beyond me."

Those words were like a knife through the heart.  I begged him not to let me go.  I begged him not to allow these things to happen.  His sadness was evident when he told me that they must happen and that I must learn from Ares.  He then told me to come back in a year and dismissed me.

When Ares and I came back to the surface world, I was angry.  I hated him.  I railed at him.  He, of course, laughed.  He told me to remember that fire.

For the next few months, Ares announced himself in my meditations by jumping out of bushes, underbrush, and trees.  He took great joy in my anger.  He took even greater pleasure when I attacked him physically (and he stood there unharmed, which made me even angrier).  Then, one day, his jumping out of the bushes to scare me (or maybe get my attention) didn't work.  I'd come to a point where I was simply resigned to being forced to work with him.  "What do you want now?" I asked him.

It was at this point that his whole demeanor changed.  "Ah!" He said to me quietly, "You have stopped resisting!  Now we can get to the real work!"

Ares scooped me up and tossed me over his shoulder and he ran through the forest with me.  I didn't go quietly, of course.  When we came to a clearing, he dumped me on the ground.  "Do you think I am all blood lust and killing?  Is that all war is to you?"

At that point, he was right.  To me war was all about blood and murder and I said as much.  His laughter startled me.  "War isn't just about the fight," he said.  "It isn't just about how many heads you can take.  War is as much about discipline and mercy as it is about victory.  Think about all of the warriors you know!  Think!  Are they simply killing machines?"

It was in that moment that I realized that I was surrounded by soldiers, former soldiers, and police officers.  My life was full of the children of Ares and while they might love a good fight, they were some of the most gentle people I'd ever known.  He saw the realization in my eyes and smiled.  "You haven't thought about how medics on the battlefield, in recent wars, would overdose the gravely wounded so they didn't suffer, have you?  You haven't thought about how most warriors prize the still, quiet times with their closest friends and family, have you?  You haven't thought about how many warriors enjoy a raucous party above most things, have you?  Being a warrior isn't just about the fight.  Being a warrior isn't just about winning at all costs.  You would do well to remember these things, girl.  Now, get up off of the ground and get out of my sight!  You have wasted a lot of time fighting this and my patience is wearing thin."

It was some time before Ares came back to me in my meditations.  I spent a lot of that quiet time thinking about what he told me.  The next time I saw him was after Samhain 2008 and after Hekate had claimed me.  It was at the very beginning of the debacle that would become my divorce.

At the beginning of my divorce, I was very quiet and meek (for those reading this who know me, I know that it's difficult to believe!).  I was scared of a lot of the world around me.  My ex-husband, in his drug and alcohol induced fantasy land, began stalking and threatening me and my family.  I got no help from the authorities, none.  They refused to give me a restraining order because a binder full of threatening emails and dated and time stamped tapes of his threats weren't enough.

In those darkest of times, when I genuinely feared for my life and no one else believed me, it was Ares who showed me how to fight back.  It was Ares who I would take these things to and ask him what to do.  It was Ares who, often times, had to put his sword in my lower back to move me forward on something.

My work with the God of War showed me how to face danger (real or perceived) with determination and common sense.  My work with the God of War taught me when and where to be merciful.  My work with the God of War taught me that no one is going to stand up for me unless I have the courage to stand up for myself first.  My work with the God of War also taught me when to keep my mouth shut and simply plan my next move, or maybe just give that person enough rope to hang themselves with.  That work also taught me to revel in the fight when there are no other options.  He showed me that one should never pick a fight, but one should not back down, either, and when all is said and done and the energy is expended, one should pick your opponent up (or allow yourself to be picked up) and be satisfied that it is over and done with.

After 5 years, Ares is still here.  When my year and a day came around, my own thinking had also evolved.  Poseidon gave me his blessing to keep moving forward down this particular path.  While I often dislike these lessons (still) and sometimes wish to go back to the sea kingdom, I know that my experiences have made me stronger and wiser.  There may come a day when I can go back to the sea, but until that day, I do my best to embrace the fact that the powers that be in the universe have seen fit to make this sometimes quite and often underestimated woman a warrior, of sorts.

May your gods bless and keep you, friends!

Sacrifice, Blood, and Pain: Are You Willing to Suffer to Learn?

"You have come to the Craft to learn.  Are you willing to suffer to learn?"  Many times through the years I have been asked if I was willing to suffer to learn my Craft.  Each time, I answered in the affirmative.  So often we believe the suffering to be emotional suffering, letting go or maybe being dragged kicking and screaming before letting go.  However, my personal gods and I go back many years.  We walked this path for some time before I came into group practice, and on occasion, they ask me for a sacrifice.  Usually, this sacrifice involves blood and pain.  For those reading this who may be new to the Craft, I hope your head hasn't caught fire and you haven't run away screaming at the mention of blood sacrifice.  I am fully aware that this is a taboo topic among many Wiccans because we should always 'harm none', and this includes not harming ones self.  The fact is, though, sometimes the gods want to know just how serious their children are about what they ask for (at least my gods do).

Many people who know me, know that Hekate and Ares are my matron and patron deities.  Many who discovered this after getting to know me warned me to 'be careful', as though I had some choice in the matter.  The often hard-headed student needs stern deities, and these two fit the bill.  They accept my offerings (on most occasions).  They nod in the affirmative when I do good.  They have been known to pick me up and toss me back on to my path when I stray.  It is not an easy walk, but if I did things the easy way, I probably wouldn't be where I am today, so I wouldn't change a single step.

Yesterday, I was at work and utilizing my ability to do menial tasks while 'checked out'.  I do that often.  Only a small amount of my consciousness needs to be doing the task, so I will simply 'check out' and go about my spiritual work.  I was designing my Samhain ritual and preparing for my visit to the Underworld.  Hekate and Ares were there and She was listening to me be a selfish child, telling Her what I am going to do and how and that I would like these certain things changed.  She then cocked Her head to the side and cut Her eyes at Ares.  I think they were having a silent conversation, the details of which I have not been privy to.  He smirked and She smacked me in the forehead.  This wasn't a hard smack, it was mostly to get my attention.  And get my attention She did!

"You ask for these things," She said when I stopped chittering away, "but you haven't given us a proper sacrifice in a very long time.  You have been thinking about getting rid of those scars.  Now is the time to do it.  Today."  In deity-speak She said, "Go get your ear re-pierced in Our names.  Your blood is Ours; you are Our child.  Your pain is Ours.  Make it so."  Samhain night it will be 5 years since She claimed me as Her daughter.  In willingly bleeding for my gods and giving them the pain They ask for, I remind myself that I asked for these changes.  I remind myself that I ask for this growth.

Blood sacrifice isn't about killing, maiming, or disfiguring.  It isn't about the taking of another life essence.  For me blood sacrifice is about giving fully.  It is about understanding the seriousness of what I am asking.  Blood sacrifice is about the ultimate gift.  "I give to you, Oh Lady and Lord, that which holds me on this plane of existence."  Even more than that, the act of ritual blood-letting (in all of its forms) always involves pain of some kind.  For my gods, the blood is the immediate outcome of the sacrifice, but it is the ongoing pain afterward and the healing process that is truly my sacrifice to them.

I don't like physical pain of any kind.  It's not that I can't endure it because I have a high tolerance for it, but I just don't like it.  My gods know this.  So, when they ask for sacrifice, it is usually in the form of ink of some kind or getting something pierced.  This sacrifice is two-fold, on my part.  There is the immediate blood and pain, which is offered in a short prayer and evocation at the moment it happens and then there is the ongoing pain, which is acknowledged and reverently offered up multiple times a day until there is no pain any more.  The second part is an important reminder to me that I asked for it.  It helps me to keep moving forward when I don't believe I can.  That physical pain reminds me that I don't have to shoulder the burden of change, that I can, indeed, leave that which no longer helps me grow right where it is.  It reminds me that I do not have to carry it with me, that I can simply accept it and move on.  There are those out there who do not need a physical reminder of this.  I recognize that I have not grown to that point in my life just yet, so I need that reminder and willingly accept it.

So, for the next few months, this particular sacrifice will be in the forefront of my mind.  My favorite word will become, "Ow!" and it will be a constant reminder of my need and my willingness for the changes to come.  As I descend into the darkness of the death of the year and explore the darkness that resides within myself I will become blind, but this sacrifice will be a reminder of the constant companionship I have within the depths of the cauldron.  This pain will be a reminder that all things are temporary and all things are an illusion.  This sacrifice will remind me to keep moving forward and it will remind me that at the end of the darkness of death is the light of rebirth.

Remember, friends, that we have all come to the Craft to learn and we must be willing to suffer to learn.  If we aren't willing to suffer, then we aren't changing.  If we aren't changing, then we aren't growing.  If we aren't growing, then we aren't fulfilling the plans of the gods. Sometimes we must embrace the darkness to find the light.

Brightest blessings, friends!

Loyalty: When do you give it and when do you give it up?

The subject of loyalty has been has been an ongoing theme in my life for some months now.  Not just what it is, but what loyalty isn't.  When does one stop being loyal to another and for what reason?  Most importantly, though, when is loyalty simply an illusion being cast?

The question of true loyalty versus illusion is something I have battled hard with, as of late.  Is loyalty one of those mutually beneficial relationships?  Both parties give and they receive from one another, but once the giving and receiving is over, what is left?  Is it an emotion?  Is it an expectation?  What happens when one party can no longer fulfill his or her end of the relationship in the same manner as before?  Does the relationship evolve and the parties find other ways to benefit each other or does the relationship breakdown completely and both parties end up going their separate ways?  The above makes loyalty sound like some kind of dysfunctional relationship based solely upon two parties using each other to get what they each want.  While this is how I see people using their loyalty, as something to barter with, I do not believe loyalty is something to be used in this manner.

I think back to my own friends and family and to those whom I have been quite loyal to through the years.  They are the people in my life who have not asked for much, but have given much in return.  This giving has inspired me to give back to them, not because I felt that I had to, but because I wanted to.  Even now, there are people in my life whom I have not spoken to in years, if they called upon me for anything I would do my best to fulfill their need.  I would do this, not for the 'reward' of being able to say that I was the one who did it, but because they thought enough of me to ask and because I know that if I were in the same place, they would do the same for me.  That is loyalty in my mind.  It is thinking highly enough of a person to go to them when you are in need, but also that person knowing that they can come to you when they are in need, no matter the time or distance.

So, if loyalty is giving what you can, when you can, then what about those people who like to cast the illusion of loyalty?  What about those people who say they are loyal, but their actions speak to something else?  Have you ever known anyone to look at you and smile and tell you that you can help them (when you offer) and yet they never present to you a way to help?  I have had many people in my life who have done this exact thing.  People who tell me, "Yes, you can help, but first I need to...."  Then, they don't proceed with the next step.  This mentality leaves me with expectations that are never fulfilled and, often, never again acknowledged by the other party.  After a time, these unfulfilled expectations are put to the side with feelings of resentment.  I have offered of myself, offered of my loyalty and willingness to do whatever I can because I want to help, and it is met with feigned enthusiasm and tossed to the side for whatever reason.  For my effort I am damned to failure without ever being able to try.  It often makes me wonder what these people really thought of me.

In my brain, that is not loyalty.  In my brain, that is using someone.  That is keeping up the illusion that a person matters to you when, in reality, they don't.  People are not meant to be used and then thrown away.  If a person is perceived to no longer be of use to you, then you should have the courage to tell them so.  You should have the honor to be able to look them straight in the eye and tell them that they are of no benefit to you.  This way, that person isn't left with expectations that are unreal and unfulfilled.  This way, that person knows exactly where they stand with you and there is no question of why things happened in the way they did.

I am learning much about the 'takers' in my life.  Their words speak volumes, but their actions scream their true intentions.  If loyalty is giving without expectation, at what point does one stop giving?  Is it when the disappointment becomes to great?  Well, that implies expectation.  So, then, can one stop giving and still be loyal?  It is a paradox.  If I offer my loyalty and you accept, then you create an expectation within me.  If that expectation goes unanswered, then disappointment is created in that place of expectation.  So, then, loyalty comes down to a matter of communication.  It is difficult to tell a person that you no longer need his or her help, especially after you have accepted it, yet, that giving back (with or without explanation) is owed to that person.  If they keep giving and you keep taking and doing nothing with it, then suddenly they will stop giving, whether or not you notice.  Once that happens, it probably means their illusions are shattered and they are no longer loyal to you and your purpose.  It also probably means that they have stopped caring to the same degree they used to.  Maybe they stopped caring all together.

A weird little holy man once told me, "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care."  Keep this in mind as you offer and accept the help you want and give in your life because as people begin to see by your actions that their offers to help aren't appreciated, then they will stop offering.  Remember to always keep your word.  If you spend your life giving your word and not following through, people begin perceiving you as selfish.  As men and women of the Craft, we walk a path of service:  Service to our Gods.  Service to our community.

Brightest blessings, friends!