Midnight Musings

 It is just after midnight. I'm awake and sipping coffee. I got somewhere around 3.5 or 4 hours of sleep. I figure that I'll be up most of the night, coffee or not. My mind has been on the gods as of late and a feeling of emptiness that pervades the core of my soul. This is not depression, my medications are (mostly) working. This goes deeper. There is an emptiness in my soul. Something has shifted. I can't quite name it. Maybe I have forgotten the feeling when a soul part is about to return. Maybe my doom scrolling and watching the world finally come to its breaking point in real-time, no less, has caused me to lose a soul part. Maybe it is pandemic anxiety meeting my regular anxiety and them teaming up. I'm not sure.

So, I turn my face to my gods. I turn my thoughts to their workings, to their worship. I think of Athene, my newest goddess. I think of Hekate and Mars, who have been there for more years than I can say. Looking back, Athene has been there, as well. I just didn't realize or, maybe, acknowledge it.

She stood watch over me as a child. She watched me grow from a teen into a strong-willed woman. She guided me through an ultimately nasty marriage and divorce. She walked the path beside me as I navigated this strange wasteland we call life, often without any support system beyond those friends inside of my computer. 

My father bought a statue in the 1960s. He was in the Navy and traveling the Mediterranean, exploring exotic places on the African coast (bought my mother's engagement ring there before he knew her), and finding adventure on the shores of the far east. He bought an ivory statue. That statue is of a woman with a spear, shield, and helmet. She is standing proud, the warrior she is upon a small pedestal. Underneath, her name MINERVA. 

Now, I am generally a hard pantheist. A god is a god and is not the other culture equivalent. The other culture, similar god, is a god in its own right. I go back and forth with myself regarding the Greco-Roman deities. Their stories are twined together so tightly, many tales look the same in both cultures. The Greek tales seem to be softer, with less violence, but I digress.

Minerva stood in my home from the time just before I was born and still stands, ironically, atop my father's gun cabinet. You see, my father is one of those people who are pagan and don't know it. My mother, as well, though she would be horrified to hear such a blasphemous utterance. All my life, dad has kept Minerva close to him. Always in his room, his private sanctuary. Always placed somewhere high above us: a bookcase, his gun cabinet, mom's armoire. A place of honor so that she may watch and keep us.

These two goddesses are similar. Maybe the same? I'll not make any declarations here except to say that they possess the same type of energy. They weave similar tapestries upon life, influence life in similar manners. So, I believe it is a safe bet to call Athene a family deity.

She came to me for the first time in 2010 or 2011 in the form of an Avon perfume bottle, the noxious liquid still inside. She held a golden laurel crown in her right hand. Later, I came to find out that most of those perfume bottles lost their gold leaf crowns, so mine was quite special. Most recently, I came upon another perfume bottle, one that had lost its gold leaf. With it, an amphora depicting the lady with Heracles, in that famous and beloved tale.

She was, again, making herself known. I recognized this very blatant sign. I bought both pieces and they form part of an altar to Athene. I also set up an offering bowl. I give her trinkets, money, stones, whatever feels like it needs to be there. While these offerings fill a spot in my heart, they do nothing to touch the emptiness. I know she is pleased with them, yet I feel nothing. Like I am going through the motions of life and worship. 

So, I turn my face, not away from my gods, but I turn it to my shamanist training. I trust they will guide me through the harrowing adventure that is to come. I have a soul part to find and it is not as easy as wandering into the 'cave of souls' and plucking the shining little bit of diamond dust from the ground or wall or ceiling. I trust that my gods will guide me beyond the well of souls and give me something to place into the void I feel. 

I have one more trusted guide on this journey. I don't want to make it, but I know that I will be all the better for it.

When You're a Bad Witch™ but You Want to be a Good Witch™

 I haven't written in a while and someone I hold in high esteem gave me the idea to examine what a 'bad witch' looks like. A Bad Witch™ being someone who does not practice their spirituality as they perceive it should be in their own head. 

Let's start, first, with one of the foundations of most practices: meditation. New witches are told, "To be successful learn to meditate." Then, they are never told how to actually do this practice. More importantly, it is never explained to them that there are different types of meditation. This sets them up, immediately, for failure. We usually think of zen meditation, the perfect stillness of body and mind, when we think of meditation or we think of transcendental meditation where one sits still and silent and repeats mantras. Yoga is an excellent form of active meditation. Running or walking is as well.

Active meditations give the body something to do so that the mind can focus on breathing or mantras or even just chanting. How easy is it, while walking, to just repeat 'step, step, step, step'? That becomes your chant. This time could also be used to say positive affirmations or to list good qualities about yourself. As a pagan, chanting the elements or picking one element and chanting its correspondences. Even if you only know 2 or 3, chanting it over and over again: "Air, Spring, Yellow, Sylphs". This helps to reinforce your relationship with that element and it gives your mind something to focus on. If there's a slip-up, "Oh! a dandelion!" kind of stray thought, incorporate it into your chant (because dandelions and bees are also associated with the Air elemental).

One of my own favorite elemental meditations is showering or doing dishes when I am angry or in my feelings. I take those thoughts and give them to my water elemental helpers. I get rid of the tsunami of emotions and they get a little extra energy boost. Other active meditation techniques are reading and, this will probably make some people rage, playing video games. If it relaxes you, it can be a form of meditation. If it gives you anxiety or other types of not-so-great feelings, it is probably something that needs tended to while doing Shadow Work.

Let's go back to thinking one is a Bad Witch™. The meditation example above isn't the only reason people like to think they are failing in their spirituality. Sometimes it is about observing the esbats and 'not doing enough ritual', other times, it is about 'not working with a group' or 'not serving one's deity' appropriately. My personal favorite because it is something that I do, letting one's spiritual space get cluttered or, another cornerstone of the Craft, not journaling or writing things down. 

Journaling is a must when doing dreamwork or journey work. Journaling is a must when creating and working spells. Journaling is where I fall into the Bad Witch™ category. It is where all of my considerable willpower and discipline get chucked out of the window. Journaling gives me rage. A kind of indescribable rage that goes beyond white-hot. Why? I'm reasonably sure that it has to do with forcing myself to do my Daily Pages when I was going through The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. Those daily pages ignited in me something that has never cooled when it comes to journaling. This is probably a thing I need to focus on this year while doing my Shadow Work.

Being a Good Witch™ goes beyond observance, practice, or action. Yes, those things count, however, sitting and brushing or petting your dog or cat can be an exercise in grounding without some elaborate gesture. Cleansing your space (which is what I am avoiding right now XD) can be its own ritual. Planting a garden, harvesting fruit, or sitting on the bank of a pond or lake can put one in touch with the local spirits. Feeding the bees or ants at the end of the summer by buying an extra melon while they are cheap and putting it in your back yard is a way to honor your land spirits or even the Fae. Bird feeders in the winter is another way. Simply remembering that you are a spiritual being having a human experience when you're having a bad day allows one to pause for just a moment in the midst of whatever perceived personal failure one might be having.

There is no Good Witch™ or Bad Witch™ when it comes to the personal walk. There is a time for planting in life. There is a time for growth in life. There is a time for the harvest. There is a time for things to lie fallow. Finding out what season you are in can make all of the difference in your life's perception. Trying to grow in the fallow season is futile. Planting at the harvest will cause the vine to wither before it fruits.

Thanks for the idea, Lady. 

Blessings,

River

Lending a Name, Taking a Name: A Cautionary Tale of the Use of Powerful Words

The name River was a gift. It was a gift from one of my many, many narcissists, but a gift nonetheless. I decided to keep that name as a reminder of what the river does and my own capabilities.

The river changes landscapes and cuts wide swathes through rock. Through gentle, yet constant movement, it grinds stones against each other until they are nothing more than sand. The river smooths the ragged edges from all forms of rock and wood. The river sweeps away any detritus without caring if the trash is considered precious or not. If it is, then it should not be in the path of the swirling, oft murky depths.

When people are given magical names, it is something that has some kind of meaning to them. My own name was given to me without any kind of input or ceremony. I was told, "This is your coven name."

In response, I nodded and replied, "Okay," in some fashion or another. There was no naming ceremony, no interesting tale of how it happened. The entire coven was summoned to the covenstead one day and told (in essence), "We are restructuring your experience with the coven to make it more magical and as such those of you who don't have magical names will be given one today and those who do, we will begin using them immediately any time we are here. There will be no mundaneries brought to the covenstead unless it is for counseling or we are simply gathering for revelry. Class is for classwork. Ritual is for ritual. We will discuss individual plans for each of you over the next few days."

I had been practicing with the coven for a little less than a year at this point and none of the promises that had been made by the leadership had been kept. After my first season with the group, I figured out that there was little to no chance of those promises being kept (things like 'legitimacy' with a Gardenarian lineage, because there was none and there was no one left alive to confirm or deny this connection). This blog isn't to get into my time with the coven, nor is it to expose the leaders for the frauds they are, but those things matter because they illustrate what goes on when a naming happens and is accepted by the named person on the psychic level.

I was given the name River and told that I can be like a force of nature. I accepted it for various reasons, the biggest one being that I grew up in a river town and lived most of my childhood on that river. I didn't just accept it. River is who I am. It is one of the greatest gifts that I have ever been given. However, I accepted this name with an understanding that most people do not take into consideration the entire concept of a noun when they use it as a proper name.

The river isn't just a huge amount of kinetic energy naturally following the path of least resistance. It likes the path of least resistance, but it will also create that path and destroy everything in its way to creation. It can be dammed up, but if it isn't given a release, it will just run over the top and still destroy everything in its path. It can be dammed up and used strategically to power everything around it. We want to coax the river to work with us, not force it to bend to our will.  Rivers are so slow to revolt that humanity believes that they can be tamed. And so it is with people.

I spent time with that group, dammed up, unable to make my own path, or any real headway due to all of these perceived duties. I was, almost immediately, tested for loyalty and how much I would go out of my way to 'help' even as I was being told how the other members of the group were unreliable or unavailable. That was an immediate red flag for me because that mentality was something that was stressed in another group I was in. As a leader, you shouldn't be talking shit about the people most loyal to you having for having full-time jobs, hobbies (even if it may be alcoholism), and a life outside of your influence.

So, after the first three months, I began looking at the red flags. They were everywhere. Certain members were used as 'spies' and quite proud of their unassuming nature. Others were told they were the muscle, but really, they were kept around for other reasons. Other members were kept around for no reason at all other than they had been there for several years. I took all of this in, watched the dynamic. It was so dysfunctional that it was a running gag within the coven. "We are a dysfunctional family," I heard many times. (Then heal thyself, Witch! I thought to myself nearly every time.)

By the time I was named, the murky waters were swirling with information that people outside of the group wouldn't believe. The proverbial dam was nearly full to bursting. You can't. Stop. The river.

The river flows how and where it wishes. It does so in its own way and in its own time. Rivers are slow and that means rivers are patient. That slow, patient often lazy looking surface masks a dangerous force lurking just underneath. The undertow will drag the unsuspecting down without thought or care. Why would anyone give that name to someone they only think they know? Feels a bit like hubris to me. Why would anyone take that name? From where I sit, faith doesn't move mountains, rivers do. Just ask the Grand Canyon. So, why wouldn't everyone embrace the same feral patience and ability to plan long term that the lifeblood of our planet uses? Why wouldn't everyone embrace that level of flexibility?

Ultimately, I left the group. It served only to stagnate me. Some years later, I gave out the information I'd learned. It was, of course, met with disbelief by those on the outside. What no one ever knew about (and likely won't for a while, if ever) was the support that I got privately. For every person who condemned me without question for my action (and I know who they are), I had another privately contact me with their own experience that paralleled mine. These same people said, "Hey, thanks for being a voice for those of us who can't speak out right now. Here is my story. . ."

When naming someone, whether it be yourself or another, remember that all words have shadow meanings. The good and creative aspects are always what we want to embrace, but with creation comes the inevitable destruction. Therefore, those shadowy aspects must also be considered, especially if you know a person is not averse to embracing their Shadow Self or if you know that person needs a lesson in owning their Shadow. Sometimes these destructive aspects are aimed inwardly to destroy one's own barriers and personal illusions, but sometimes, these aspects are aimed outward, toward destroying the illusions others have built.

Blessings,

River

Toxic Positivity Culture- Redux

I wrote this blog originally in 2018. It has been on my mind a lot lately, so I thought I would expand on it some.

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I see a lot of posts on social media where a person is having a bad day and they apologize for being in a bad mood. I see these posts where people have a chronic illness and apologize for having a bad day. What do they have to apologize for? From where I sit, nothing. In today's world, there is this idea that one must be positive no matter what. There is this idea that one must smile through the tears or joyfully endure the illness, abuse, or other bad thing happening. Why? Is it to show how strong one is? Is it to show how much one can take before breaking? Is it simply this weird positivity culture that we live in? The idea that there is so much bad in the world, so each individual must be the good?

Why would anyone apologize for their righteous anger? You are allowed to be angry at the state of the world. YOu are allowed to be angry at the state of your mental health. You are allowed to be exhausted by the negativity that you see and experience in this time and place. You are allowed to be all of these things unapologetically. Do you drink to cope? Smoke week? Exercise too much or too little? That's okay, too. Everyone has to cope and sometimes we choose to cope in ways that we know aren't the best for us.

The idea that bad things only happen to "vibrationally low" people is also an insane notion, and while we are discussing that, we'll as the idea that all negativity "lowers vibration." This type of gaslighting permeates open-minded society. Again, why?

This meme in an exceptionally good example of pseudospiritual gaslighting. I do believe that people project their own issues onto others; I do not believe that one should carry the burden of others issues because they believe that person is a mirror of something deep down that needs acceptance.

You are not a mirror for your narcissist, rapist, child molestor, or abuser. Those people abusing you is about them projecting their will or deviancy upon you in a harmful and debilitating way. There is nothing for you to mirror.

The idea that we are mirrors is probably one of the reasons every new pagan is somehow an empath. First, anyone can think they are an empath if they are taking on the burden of  'fixing' their abusers. Second, toxic positivity teaches us that we must somehow fight the negative in the world. It teaches us that it is our job to fight the bad vibrations, lift up the people who appear to need it. It teaches us to embrace our shadow but only in a 'good' way. Shadow work is dark, messy, and only comes to the good once we master it. Then, we get to go deeper and deeper. It is a never-ending process.

Another part of toxic positivity culture is when we walk into gatherings and someone says, "HAPPY MONDAY!" (Or whatever day of the week.) Why is it happy? What if my grandmother just died and I'm only just barely holding it together? Is this a declaratrion that I need to act happy? Is this some kind of affirmation? What if I am at a job that I hate and I know the person is fake as fuck? Is this a challenge or are they faking it? Whatever the answer to the questions, the idea that one must always be joyous in all things is ridiculous.

Now, before I get ripped I would like to point out that, yes, affirmations work. Yes, cognitive behavioral therapy works. These are not the things I'm referring to. I'm referring, specifically, to the damage we do to ourselves within toxic positivity culture. The idea that one must apologize for feeling something other than positive. Apologies that begin, "I'm sorry, and I always try to stay positive, but..." But nothing! You are allowed to feel this emotion. You are allowed to spend time with it. You are allowed to release it.

Apologizing for feeling an emotion can do more damage. You wouldn't allow someone to tell you to be positive if you were diabetic and were having high sugars, would you? No. In the same way, you wouldn't let them tell you all of the things you should be doing to get those sugars down because you already know. Why would you allow someone to dismiss your feelings in the same way? Why would you want someone to insist that you pretend to be happy so you can 'fake it until you make it'? You wouldn't. None of us do.

Be aware of your thoughts. Listen to your body. Do not use your feeling down to lash out or blame other people. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotion you feel. There's no reason to beat yourself up. Find something that comforts you when you feel this way, music, poetry, art, a nice tea. Allow yourself to enjoy this thing and repeat an affirmation. With some training, your thoughts on not being 'allowed' to feel that way change. They change to a type of self-comfort.

I write these things because positivity can change the brain. This is known. However, the idea that just saying vaguely positive things changes the brain, especially if they are backward compliments, defeats the idea. Not believing the words also defeats the purpose. We have to stop gaslighting ourselves into being positive. If there is a health issue, we must address it. If there is an emotional issue, we must address it. Not addressing these things from all sides, spiritual, physical, and emotional, leaves us only partly healed.

Listen to the words to speak to yourself. Are you healing or are you sorry you feel bad? Are you doing the best you can or are you a failure? If you wouldn't let your most hated enemy say these words to you, then why do you say them to yourself? Don't let someone else's idea of positivity be your yardstick. Don't let someone's fake positivity make you feel like you are somehow damaged or broken in some way.

Blessed be,
River

Letters Not Sent- When You Can't See the Forest

I'm beginning the new decade by writing this letter. It has been some months in coming. You see, when people have secrets, they do not love it when one tells them. Even more, they do not love it when one tells those secrets to people who are actually listening. These people send in those who would do anything for them, including making excuses for the abuses they mete out within the community.

I begin this letter by saying that I am a great many things in this world, but a liar is not one of them. I have been called such, behind my back of course. Then, those who have never found a reason to distrust me rarely have anything to hide.

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My Dearest Little One,

Yes, I'll be referring to you as such, Little One. It is the most appropriate descriptor of your mental and emotional space. You see, your "savior" thought your mental and emotional abuse by your mother was something to be exploited. Behind your back, she openly laughed at your immaturity and how you are at nearly 30, still a 15-year-old child. Your savior openly laughed at your alcoholism and called you an alcoholic more than once. Behind your back, of course. You were rarely included in our Friday (and sometimes, Wednesday) night hangouts at the covenstead because, according to your beloved savior, nobody in the coven could stand you. You don't even know how much you missed out on because no one would tell you. It was a relief for them that you weren't there. I was summoned to the covenstead damn near every week for something. Did you know that? Sometimes it was a chat. Sometimes it was to gossip about that church just down the road. That coven drinks. A lot. Other times it was just to hang out, but there was always an ulterior motive.

Lots of times, it was because you had some drama in your life that week and nobody gave a shit, so they called me in to get some kind of perspective. I was the new person, so I had some empathy left for a struggling young woman just looking to find her place in this world. I can't tell you how many times I was summoned to class early or called over on Friday night to discuss your life, Little One. I had to listen to your savior openly laugh at your misunderstanding of BDSM. She admitted to me that she didn't even bother to correct you because she knew it wouldn't do any good.

Little One, even your elevation was my idea. (Or did the rug get pulled out from under you at the last second?) I was so exhausted with the two-faced bullshit in the coven by the time I left, one of the last conversations I had with your savior was about being bored with her just taking us in circles. Remember that discussion you and I had? What I didn't tell you was that I also asked her, point-blank, why you hadn't been elevated yet. After 10 years, she should have made the effort to push you down the road you had been begging to take. She came up with multiple excuses, of course. You don't finish what you start. Your mental health. You needed a priest. You know, I looked at her and said something to the effect of, "Until you let her start down that path, she is never going to leave. She will either find out how difficult it is and quit or she will keep going and you will have to elevate her. If she is such a pain in the ass and nobody likes her in the group, why are you holding her back, anyway? Push her out, hive her off and be done. Problem solved."

Not a month later, you were staring down 2 years until elevation and your own group, Little One. Barring, of course, that you could navigate her power trips. You always missed the power trips. She knew that, due to your abuse, you would put up with anything if it was said nicely and with enough 'empathy.' She knew that as long as she approached you will logic instead of screaming and throwing things, then she would be just fine. She also knew that she wouldn't even have to put that much effort into you and she laughed about it. She laughed at how easy you were to manipulate because you didn't know what true kindness was.

She bragged about how easy it was to keep you in line. She bragged about how she knew you needed more therapy but couldn't or wouldn't convince you to keep going. (I suspect she wouldn't because that would mean that eventually you would have the tools in your toolbox to know what she was doing to you and she didn't want to lose her power over you.) Everyone but you and your beloved knew how much she manipulated you.

They all knew you were simply begging for motherly approval and that even her half-approval would be enough for you. She knew that she could get you to do anything she wanted if she told you that you did a good job, but her favorite thing to do to you was 'critique' your writing, rituals, and anything you presented her. She was exceptionally mean to you and would plan a lot of that stuff out and rehearse it with the others. I wouldn't participate in that foolishness. That's meanness and you didn't deserve it. (Oh, yes, we had discussions about your ritual writing, too, and how she thought it was garbage. She bragged about how much fun they had ripping it apart and then going back over it and ripping apart the stuff that they thought was okay. They even made a point to make sure and leave a few of the original bits so you wouldn't be quite so upset.) I was all an elaborate put on that they took pleasure in. They knew that you would take the 'help' with a straight face and be upset because you couldn't understand what you had done wrong.

How many times did she look at you and say, "Well, you're wrong," and couldn't tell you how or why you were wrong. Did you know she used to do that to me, as well? Oh, she tried it exactly 3 times. The first time she did it, I asked, "How?" She stumbled. She stuttered. She couldn't tell me how I was wrong. She changed the subject. The second time, I asked her, "Why?" Again, she stuttered and she stumbled. She changed the subject. The third time, I pressed her. "How? Why? Which part?" She only responded with, "Well, you're wrong," and she did that thing where she flares her nostrils indignantly and acts like it is supposed to be some kind of power move. I asked again, "Which part is wrong? If I am wrong about something, I want to be corrected. I'm not beyond being taught." She was angry at being questioned. "You're just wrong and you won't understand why," she responded. To that, I laughed. (Because we all know that I don't have any sense and will absolutely laugh at someone trying to manipulate me.) I laughed at her to her face and said, "I'm wrong because you say so? We both know that you'll have to do better than that! Again, if I'm actually wrong, I'm open to being educated as to why not 'because I say so'."

You understand, Little One, that that is a form of gaslighting, right? Relying on your manipulator as your only source of 'reliable' information and being told you're wrong without explanation or education is how she kept you all in line. She also quite enjoyed letting you all come to your own conclusions about myths (remember the PowerPoint by your raptor friend?) and then make utter fools of yourselves when you put in all of that time and energy and missed the whole point you were trying to make. That was another conversation she and I had privately. She thought that shit was hysterical. I was summoned to the covenstead after that class and listened to the 2nds and 3rds howling about how ridiculous and just plain wrong it was. It was just another manipulation. When I asked why he wasn't corrected or guided in the appropriate direction, everybody laughed. She shrugged her shoulders and changed the subject.

Now, I suspect (though it was never actually spoken) that she 'saved' you from those others 'using you up', so that she could convince you that you owe her something, maybe a life debt or something foolish like that, for when her own life starts to wane. (As it has been for a while now.) Has she asked you to open any gates or use any of those mysterious keys the two of you were always going on about? If she hasn't yet, don't worry, she will and she will do it in such a way that she will make you think it is your idea or some kind of duty. It isn't. Remember that. No one can lay claim to your energies or talents and no one can tell you that you owe them. This isn't some fantasy novel where you are some kind of hero.

Mostly, I write this letter to you because I don't want you to turn into her. You need to know that she isn't a nice person. She isn't a good person. What you see behind closed doors is the real her and she thinks you are a stupid little girl. If a person has to cultivate a professional demeanor to interact with people outside of their own coven, then that person is a liar and a con. If a person has to be someone else to be heard, then they have their own issues that need to be addressed by a mental health professional. More than all of that, if a person does all of this creating of a public personality and people still don't believe it, then the world is not wrong. You are.

Little One, it is a very rare instance that you are wrong about something. You have a keen mind. Yet, you allow her to do the same thing to you that those who would have used you up did. You allow her to use you up in a different way. You allow her to hold you back in a way that keeps you from seeing the forest for the trees.

While I don't respect that, I do have some modicum of respect for you as a young woman just looking to find her way in this world. I hope you have gotten away from her and I hope that you can someday see her for who she is, not who she wants you to see her as.

Just because you don't see her abuse for what it is doesn't mean that she isn't an A+ abuser.

May the blinders fall off in this new decade and may you find your way,
River

Lest We Forget: On the Sabbats and Celebrations

And for two and a half thousand years, the ring passed out of all knowledge.” ― Galadriel

Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Ring, JRR Tolkien

I was reading on social media the other day a rant about the Sabbats by a very upset pagan. In essence, the post was about this person's home state trying to change the observance of Halloween from October 31 to the last Saturday in October. This person was upset for a couple of reasons. First, they believe that October 31 is Samhain. Second, they believe that the state was trying to legislate away their 'most sacred of holidays.'

Regarding actual dates versus observed dates, we do this with more than one bank holiday already in the United States. Columbus Day springs to mind. The actual date for Columbus Day is October 12, however, it is observed on the second Monday of October. This is what that particular state wants to do, set an observed date versus observing the tradition on the actual date in regards to Halloween to make sure that everyone can enjoy the festivities.

That said, Halloween and Samhain are not the same dates. While Halloween certainly has many of the same observances, Samhain marks the end of summer. Much like the summer solstice, Samhain is not on the same date every year. October 31 became the observed date for this celebration in addition to the secular holiday of Halloween. (Since there are plenty of sources and documentaries on Halloween and its origins, I will not go into specifics in this writing.)

The Sabbats are our solar holidays, used to mark the passage of time in the life of the Sun God. These dates are astrological. If you know anything about the heavens, then you know that everything is fluid, bendable, and everchanging. We have come to accept the observed dates as our sabbats and, it appears, that the knowledge of when those actual dates are, is beginning to fall out of common knowledge. Before we dig into what the actual dates are, let's look at how we came upon having the observed dates that we do have.

The practice of conversion can be seen throughout all of Europe once touched by the Roman Empire, even before its conversion to Christianity. It can still be seen most obviously in the assimilation of Classical mythology where the Greek and Roman mythological deities became almost interchangeable in their tales, despite their glaring differences.

As with so much within our practices, our observed dates go back to the spread of the Catholic Church. It is well known that as the Church spread through Europe that churches were built on pagan holy sites to assimilate the masses. In that era, church leaders and their missionaries were the educated ones, for the most part. It did not take a lot of observing to know when the big feast days were among the peasants and where they would congregate to celebrate. Again, in an effort convert the heathens, the Church took up the holidays of the locals.

Can you imagine, as an uneducated local person, these strangers coming in, building a building over your most sacred sites and then using your own observances to convert you? This is, basically, what happened and how these observances were preserved. Even now, except for only a few dates, our own pagan calendar mirrors the Catholic one very closely. Many of our observances are also mirrored. Notice the dates below:

• Candlemas February 2
• Easter Sunday Late March/April
• Feast of Saint Joseph, May 1
• Corpus Christi June 20
• Lammas August 1
• Michaelmas September 29
• All Saint's Day November 1
• Christmas December 25

These dates were picked to be the observed dates. Again, if we notice the mirror between their festivities and ours, you will notice that some of our observances are mirrored in practice. At Candlemas, the Church blesses all of their candles for the year. At Imbolc, the days are noticeably longer from the solstice, and we welcome back the growing sun by with a fire celebration usually centered around candles.

Lammas is, literally, Loaf Mass. The first grains are harvested and baked into bread. Lughnasadh is based on the funeral feast Lugh of the Long Arm had in honor of his foster mother Tailtiu. This feast was thrown in Tailtu's honor after she died clearing the plains of Ireland for agriculture. I believe we all probably know that Christmas and Yule also quite closely mirror each other in tradition, even though Jesus was likely born in the spring.

Our own holidays fall based on the sun and zodiac because these were planting and harvest holidays for an agrarian society.

• Imbolc- Sun goes 15° Aquarius
• Ostara- Sun enters Aries
• Beltane- Sun goes 15° Taurus
• Litha- Sun enters Cancer
• Lughnasadh- Sun goes 15° Leo
• Mabon- Sun enters Libra
• Samhain- Sun goes 15° Scorpio
• Yule- Sun enters Capricorn

These dates are in no way static. It is one reason why there are standing stones all over Europe. Think about the most famous of the European henges, Stonehenge. It is well known that it marks the winter solstice. In Ireland, the Baltray standing stones mark the same date, and in Scotland, the Maeshowe stones do, as well. Therefore, we know that our ancestors had the means to mark the solstices and equinoxes. It stands to reason that they very likely marked the cross-quarter days as well, even if we can not read them in the henges today. In that way, our ancestors knew when to start planning their big feasts and rituals.

While we all practice in the manner that we see fit these days, it never hurts to make sure that one knows the origins of the days celebrated. Knowing the traditions gives us the information we need to celebrate accurately but to also celebrate as we so choose. In the era of fake news, it is up to us to keep the records as accurately and thoroughly as possible, even if our observances do not reflect the entirety of that knowledge.

Blessings,
River

Letters Not Sent: The Long Goodbye

It's been a while since I have done one of these. I have come to understand that when someone is on my mind, it's probably because I am on theirs. It's never an accident.

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It's been months since our last contact and I gave you nothing. I saw you in public that day, fawning over all of these people from your past. It's nice to think about all of the forgiveness you were given. It's nice to think about all of the forgiveness you begged from these people who only have to see you for show, right?  I was different, though. Wasn't I? You begged for my good will. You begged for my forgiveness. Why didn't I joyfully give you what you so desperately desire? The short answer is because your whims and desires no longer affect me.

The long answer is that I don't owe you forgiveness despite your demand for it. I do not owe you forgiveness for acting in such a manner as I told you that you would act. I warned you that your actions have consequences and that once people you were mad at were out of the way, then you would find some inane reason to be mad at me. I warned you against the childish stomping of your feet and angry fists on hips demands that you made. I warned you that would keep being your response until you alienated everyone in your life. I warned you that pettiness would be your cloak for some time to come. I warned you that your lack of self-respect and addiction would ultimately be your undoing. I warned you that your need to control everything and everyone around you would come at a cost.

Well, that cost is a lack of respect and trust. You want so badly to be trusted, but you aren't trustworthy. You want so badly for people to see the person you wish you were instead of the person that you are. You can't seem to understand that when you open your mouth, your whims and desires spew forth veiled in frustration and vanity, trying to lead people to believe that you know more and are more than you actually are. Your words gush forth in a waterfall of victimhood. You don't understand how your words and actions affect other people and you don't want to know. You expect them to give you forgiveness because you do not believe that you have done anything wrong and that they are unreasonable. You expect others to simply allow you to create havoc wherever you go and to simply allow it to happen because you refuse to open your eyes to your own destructive behaviors. 

The truth is, though, I kind of miss you. Yes, you were an addict. Yes, you were demanding. Yes, you were blind to all of the people you hurt because of your selfishness. All that said, you lived pretty authentically, despite the fact that you thought you were a good person. You wanted to be a good person as long as that meant you could have what you wanted without acknowledging who you hurt in the process.

Even now, your apologies consist of 'I was addicted and out of control' and 'I was such a slave to my substance of choice that I didn't know what I was doing'. We both know that isn't true. Your substance of choice simply gave you an excuse to say and do whatever you wanted. Now, you do what you want without that excuse and people still dislike you. Just like when you were an addict, they tolerate you because you can be useful. You make them money. You take up space when they need quiet time. You are their place holder when they have better things to do.

Love, you are still the same person. You are simply more in control.  You still act within the very nature that made you an addict. It still makes you angry that I do not acknowledge your 'sorrow' and your 'regret'. Your program has done a great many wonders in your life. It has saved you from plenty of messy situations. What it hasn't done is saved you from yourself. Oh yes, I still hear from people about you. I hear that you haven't changed. These people don't know that I know you until after they tell me about the way you treat them. These people don't know that 'sober' you is just like 'addicted' you, but less fun and creative.

I want you to know that I never hated you. I still don't. I don't even dislike you, honestly. I'm not angry at what happened between us. I never have been. I was angry at your pettiness (and you know what I'm talking about. Twice!) but I never expected anything less, addicted or sober. You should also know that twice your pettiness didn't work and I suspect, even backfired on you, because we both know that I have a will of iron and you do not.

I want you to understand that, of all the people you know, I am the one who saw you clearly. I am the one who saw your you-ness and despite it wanted to be your friend. You need to understand that I did not accept your weird 12 step program bid for forgiveness because, despite what was between us, that forgiveness is not for me to grant. I have never held any ill will toward you for being who you are. Asking me to forgive you for who you are is not something I can do. You must find that place within yourself that acknowledges you aren't the person you want people to think you are and you must make peace with that. I always saw it and I was always okay with it. It was that person I warned you about knowing that you wouldn't listen.

One day, I hope to discover you have seen this and read it. I hope you understand it is not a judgment against your person. I have no doubt that you will one day do great things and get the recognition you deserve for being who you are. I hope life treats you more kindly than you treat most people. I hope that you find more people who see you clearly in times to come.

Blessings,
River