Saturday, October 25, 2014

I'm Okay, You're Okay. None of Us Are in Control.

I wrote this a some months ago, but it didn't feel right for publish, so it didn't get published.  Today, it feels right.  The lesson of being okay is a lesson I'm learning on a much deeper level than, even when I wrote this.  The magic of this past week has been very potent for me, on a personal level, and I need that as we are barreling headlong into Samhain.


Recently it was pointed out to me that other people tend to perceive me as arrogant and/or egotistical.  The fact that others see me this way didn't surprise me, but having it pointed out that my own self assurance is the culprit for this misinterpretation caused me great pause.  This caused me pause because I realize, now, the sheer number of people who have come into my life and completely misinterpreted every word and deed of mine they have ever witnessed.  So, what is the difference between arrogance and self assurance?  Is there a difference?  Maybe arrogance and self assurance are different polarities of the same vibration?  What if that's the case?  Then, since we live in a selfish world, wouldn't it be easier to simply write other people off as selfish, instead of really seeing them?  What if those people we view as arrogant and egotistical are simply mirroring at us our own selfish desires (or our own insecurities) and, because that makes us uncomfortable, we subconsciously view them through a filter of arrogance?

For me, personally, I look at the world around me and I see many people out there who are hurting.  I see people who hide behind masks (don't we all!!) and run from the life lessons they are presented.  Sometimes this happens because the person doesn't want to be humbled.  The person doesn't want to submit to his or her gods.  Humility is bowing to the Truth.  It is accepting the Truth no matter how difficult it may be to swallow.

Long before I found the pagan community, I learned to be okay.  I learned that it is okay for me to be introverted.  It is okay for me to be different.  It is okay for me to say and do weird things.  It is okay for me to be a private person.  It's okay for me to make mistakes.  It's okay for me to be okay with my mistakes. It's okay for me to not know everything.  It's okay for me to be right, to be wrong, to let someone else be right, even when I know they are wrong. It's okay for me to strive for perfection, as long as I know I can never actually achieve it.  It's okay for me to be human.

"Know Thyself"

In coming to know myself, I am learning that there are those out there who are not okay with my personal acceptance of the things I can not change (like the fact that I'm going to fuck up, get over it, I'm human).  I'm also finding out that many of these people are not okay with the fact that I do not feel the need to explain myself to them.  I figure that since my motivations are my own and I do my level best not to react, then if someone wants to know why I said or did what I did, they can ask me.  If they don't want to ask, then I figure it is best to leave them with their own illusions because everything I say is going to be dismissed or not completely heard.  I have never looked at someone who asked about my motivations or why I said/did something and told them to figure it out for themselves.  I just figure that if you want to know what's going on in my brain, you will ask me.  I'm not a person known for getting angry and flying off the handle, yet people seem to perceive me as being that kind of person, which I find weird.  Maybe that's one of the reasons people see me as arrogant, I don't feel the need to explain myself.  Maybe they see me as arrogant because, sometimes and with some people, I simply refuse to allow them to ruffle my feathers.

Another thing I don't feel the need to do is brow-beat people into my way of seeing things, that's arrogance (and probably, to an extent, bullying).  Whether a person is right or wrong (in regards to facts) is, honestly, irrelevant to me, if that person is not willing to accept a different perspective.  The need for a person to be right (regardless of facts) is his or her own need and I will, quite graciously, allow them to be right.  Their lessons in this is their own and it is not for me to add to the lesson for asking them to 'prove' themselves to me when I know they can't.  However, being the daughter and Priestess of Hekate, I have no qualms in turning a person's need for superiority against them, if they choose to use it to belittle others.  (That means, don't try to make other people feel stupid or 'less than'.  Someone will always know more than you, or me for that matter.)  Maybe that's another reason people perceive me as arrogant, I'll let anyone be right if they need to, until that person uses that need to try and make themselves feel important at the expense of another.

Why, though, is it not okay to be okay?  Is it because we live in a culture where everything is a competition?  Is it because we live in a world where everyone has to have the best, be the best, do the best?  Why does one person have to be the 'leader'?  Why does one person have to be the 'smart one'?  Why does one person have to be the 'wise one'?  Why is it expected we should be 'impressive' in some way?  What if I choose to surround myself with people who are wise, smart, and impressive leaders in their own way?  What if I choose to surround myself with people who are exceptional in one area but not in another?  What if I choose to surround myself with accomplished people who have many things to offer, but don't know how to offer them?  If I am okay with the people in my life, their short comings, their quirks, their talents, what right does anyone have to tell me that it's 'not okay'? 

Yes, yes it is okay.  In this illusory existence we call life, we view everything through the filters of our own life's lessons.  If another views me as being egotistical because I believe in myself.  I'm okay with that.  That particular view is less about me than it is about them.  If another views me as being arrogant because I'm okay with knowing what I know today and striving to learn more tomorrow, I'm okay with that, too.  If I'm viewed as incompetent because I let someone be wrong, I'm also okay with that and next time, I just won't let it be wrong.  I know that nothing is within my control, save for myself (and, honestly, that's debatable in the whole free will/fate debate...) and I'm okay with that.  Nothing is in our control, be okay with that!!

Brightest blessings, Friends!

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