Midnight Musings

 It is just after midnight. I'm awake and sipping coffee. I got somewhere around 3.5 or 4 hours of sleep. I figure that I'll be up most of the night, coffee or not. My mind has been on the gods as of late and a feeling of emptiness that pervades the core of my soul. This is not depression, my medications are (mostly) working. This goes deeper. There is an emptiness in my soul. Something has shifted. I can't quite name it. Maybe I have forgotten the feeling when a soul part is about to return. Maybe my doom scrolling and watching the world finally come to its breaking point in real-time, no less, has caused me to lose a soul part. Maybe it is pandemic anxiety meeting my regular anxiety and them teaming up. I'm not sure.

So, I turn my face to my gods. I turn my thoughts to their workings, to their worship. I think of Athene, my newest goddess. I think of Hekate and Mars, who have been there for more years than I can say. Looking back, Athene has been there, as well. I just didn't realize or, maybe, acknowledge it.

She stood watch over me as a child. She watched me grow from a teen into a strong-willed woman. She guided me through an ultimately nasty marriage and divorce. She walked the path beside me as I navigated this strange wasteland we call life, often without any support system beyond those friends inside of my computer. 

My father bought a statue in the 1960s. He was in the Navy and traveling the Mediterranean, exploring exotic places on the African coast (bought my mother's engagement ring there before he knew her), and finding adventure on the shores of the far east. He bought an ivory statue. That statue is of a woman with a spear, shield, and helmet. She is standing proud, the warrior she is upon a small pedestal. Underneath, her name MINERVA. 

Now, I am generally a hard pantheist. A god is a god and is not the other culture equivalent. The other culture, similar god, is a god in its own right. I go back and forth with myself regarding the Greco-Roman deities. Their stories are twined together so tightly, many tales look the same in both cultures. The Greek tales seem to be softer, with less violence, but I digress.

Minerva stood in my home from the time just before I was born and still stands, ironically, atop my father's gun cabinet. You see, my father is one of those people who are pagan and don't know it. My mother, as well, though she would be horrified to hear such a blasphemous utterance. All my life, dad has kept Minerva close to him. Always in his room, his private sanctuary. Always placed somewhere high above us: a bookcase, his gun cabinet, mom's armoire. A place of honor so that she may watch and keep us.

These two goddesses are similar. Maybe the same? I'll not make any declarations here except to say that they possess the same type of energy. They weave similar tapestries upon life, influence life in similar manners. So, I believe it is a safe bet to call Athene a family deity.

She came to me for the first time in 2010 or 2011 in the form of an Avon perfume bottle, the noxious liquid still inside. She held a golden laurel crown in her right hand. Later, I came to find out that most of those perfume bottles lost their gold leaf crowns, so mine was quite special. Most recently, I came upon another perfume bottle, one that had lost its gold leaf. With it, an amphora depicting the lady with Heracles, in that famous and beloved tale.

She was, again, making herself known. I recognized this very blatant sign. I bought both pieces and they form part of an altar to Athene. I also set up an offering bowl. I give her trinkets, money, stones, whatever feels like it needs to be there. While these offerings fill a spot in my heart, they do nothing to touch the emptiness. I know she is pleased with them, yet I feel nothing. Like I am going through the motions of life and worship. 

So, I turn my face, not away from my gods, but I turn it to my shamanist training. I trust they will guide me through the harrowing adventure that is to come. I have a soul part to find and it is not as easy as wandering into the 'cave of souls' and plucking the shining little bit of diamond dust from the ground or wall or ceiling. I trust that my gods will guide me beyond the well of souls and give me something to place into the void I feel. 

I have one more trusted guide on this journey. I don't want to make it, but I know that I will be all the better for it.

When You're a Bad Witch™ but You Want to be a Good Witch™

 I haven't written in a while and someone I hold in high esteem gave me the idea to examine what a 'bad witch' looks like. A Bad Witch™ being someone who does not practice their spirituality as they perceive it should be in their own head. 

Let's start, first, with one of the foundations of most practices: meditation. New witches are told, "To be successful learn to meditate." Then, they are never told how to actually do this practice. More importantly, it is never explained to them that there are different types of meditation. This sets them up, immediately, for failure. We usually think of zen meditation, the perfect stillness of body and mind, when we think of meditation or we think of transcendental meditation where one sits still and silent and repeats mantras. Yoga is an excellent form of active meditation. Running or walking is as well.

Active meditations give the body something to do so that the mind can focus on breathing or mantras or even just chanting. How easy is it, while walking, to just repeat 'step, step, step, step'? That becomes your chant. This time could also be used to say positive affirmations or to list good qualities about yourself. As a pagan, chanting the elements or picking one element and chanting its correspondences. Even if you only know 2 or 3, chanting it over and over again: "Air, Spring, Yellow, Sylphs". This helps to reinforce your relationship with that element and it gives your mind something to focus on. If there's a slip-up, "Oh! a dandelion!" kind of stray thought, incorporate it into your chant (because dandelions and bees are also associated with the Air elemental).

One of my own favorite elemental meditations is showering or doing dishes when I am angry or in my feelings. I take those thoughts and give them to my water elemental helpers. I get rid of the tsunami of emotions and they get a little extra energy boost. Other active meditation techniques are reading and, this will probably make some people rage, playing video games. If it relaxes you, it can be a form of meditation. If it gives you anxiety or other types of not-so-great feelings, it is probably something that needs tended to while doing Shadow Work.

Let's go back to thinking one is a Bad Witch™. The meditation example above isn't the only reason people like to think they are failing in their spirituality. Sometimes it is about observing the esbats and 'not doing enough ritual', other times, it is about 'not working with a group' or 'not serving one's deity' appropriately. My personal favorite because it is something that I do, letting one's spiritual space get cluttered or, another cornerstone of the Craft, not journaling or writing things down. 

Journaling is a must when doing dreamwork or journey work. Journaling is a must when creating and working spells. Journaling is where I fall into the Bad Witch™ category. It is where all of my considerable willpower and discipline get chucked out of the window. Journaling gives me rage. A kind of indescribable rage that goes beyond white-hot. Why? I'm reasonably sure that it has to do with forcing myself to do my Daily Pages when I was going through The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. Those daily pages ignited in me something that has never cooled when it comes to journaling. This is probably a thing I need to focus on this year while doing my Shadow Work.

Being a Good Witch™ goes beyond observance, practice, or action. Yes, those things count, however, sitting and brushing or petting your dog or cat can be an exercise in grounding without some elaborate gesture. Cleansing your space (which is what I am avoiding right now XD) can be its own ritual. Planting a garden, harvesting fruit, or sitting on the bank of a pond or lake can put one in touch with the local spirits. Feeding the bees or ants at the end of the summer by buying an extra melon while they are cheap and putting it in your back yard is a way to honor your land spirits or even the Fae. Bird feeders in the winter is another way. Simply remembering that you are a spiritual being having a human experience when you're having a bad day allows one to pause for just a moment in the midst of whatever perceived personal failure one might be having.

There is no Good Witch™ or Bad Witch™ when it comes to the personal walk. There is a time for planting in life. There is a time for growth in life. There is a time for the harvest. There is a time for things to lie fallow. Finding out what season you are in can make all of the difference in your life's perception. Trying to grow in the fallow season is futile. Planting at the harvest will cause the vine to wither before it fruits.

Thanks for the idea, Lady. 

Blessings,

River

Lending a Name, Taking a Name: A Cautionary Tale of the Use of Powerful Words

The name River was a gift. It was a gift from one of my many, many narcissists, but a gift nonetheless. I decided to keep that name as a reminder of what the river does and my own capabilities.

The river changes landscapes and cuts wide swathes through rock. Through gentle, yet constant movement, it grinds stones against each other until they are nothing more than sand. The river smooths the ragged edges from all forms of rock and wood. The river sweeps away any detritus without caring if the trash is considered precious or not. If it is, then it should not be in the path of the swirling, oft murky depths.

When people are given magical names, it is something that has some kind of meaning to them. My own name was given to me without any kind of input or ceremony. I was told, "This is your coven name."

In response, I nodded and replied, "Okay," in some fashion or another. There was no naming ceremony, no interesting tale of how it happened. The entire coven was summoned to the covenstead one day and told (in essence), "We are restructuring your experience with the coven to make it more magical and as such those of you who don't have magical names will be given one today and those who do, we will begin using them immediately any time we are here. There will be no mundaneries brought to the covenstead unless it is for counseling or we are simply gathering for revelry. Class is for classwork. Ritual is for ritual. We will discuss individual plans for each of you over the next few days."

I had been practicing with the coven for a little less than a year at this point and none of the promises that had been made by the leadership had been kept. After my first season with the group, I figured out that there was little to no chance of those promises being kept (things like 'legitimacy' with a Gardenarian lineage, because there was none and there was no one left alive to confirm or deny this connection). This blog isn't to get into my time with the coven, nor is it to expose the leaders for the frauds they are, but those things matter because they illustrate what goes on when a naming happens and is accepted by the named person on the psychic level.

I was given the name River and told that I can be like a force of nature. I accepted it for various reasons, the biggest one being that I grew up in a river town and lived most of my childhood on that river. I didn't just accept it. River is who I am. It is one of the greatest gifts that I have ever been given. However, I accepted this name with an understanding that most people do not take into consideration the entire concept of a noun when they use it as a proper name.

The river isn't just a huge amount of kinetic energy naturally following the path of least resistance. It likes the path of least resistance, but it will also create that path and destroy everything in its way to creation. It can be dammed up, but if it isn't given a release, it will just run over the top and still destroy everything in its path. It can be dammed up and used strategically to power everything around it. We want to coax the river to work with us, not force it to bend to our will.  Rivers are so slow to revolt that humanity believes that they can be tamed. And so it is with people.

I spent time with that group, dammed up, unable to make my own path, or any real headway due to all of these perceived duties. I was, almost immediately, tested for loyalty and how much I would go out of my way to 'help' even as I was being told how the other members of the group were unreliable or unavailable. That was an immediate red flag for me because that mentality was something that was stressed in another group I was in. As a leader, you shouldn't be talking shit about the people most loyal to you having for having full-time jobs, hobbies (even if it may be alcoholism), and a life outside of your influence.

So, after the first three months, I began looking at the red flags. They were everywhere. Certain members were used as 'spies' and quite proud of their unassuming nature. Others were told they were the muscle, but really, they were kept around for other reasons. Other members were kept around for no reason at all other than they had been there for several years. I took all of this in, watched the dynamic. It was so dysfunctional that it was a running gag within the coven. "We are a dysfunctional family," I heard many times. (Then heal thyself, Witch! I thought to myself nearly every time.)

By the time I was named, the murky waters were swirling with information that people outside of the group wouldn't believe. The proverbial dam was nearly full to bursting. You can't. Stop. The river.

The river flows how and where it wishes. It does so in its own way and in its own time. Rivers are slow and that means rivers are patient. That slow, patient often lazy looking surface masks a dangerous force lurking just underneath. The undertow will drag the unsuspecting down without thought or care. Why would anyone give that name to someone they only think they know? Feels a bit like hubris to me. Why would anyone take that name? From where I sit, faith doesn't move mountains, rivers do. Just ask the Grand Canyon. So, why wouldn't everyone embrace the same feral patience and ability to plan long term that the lifeblood of our planet uses? Why wouldn't everyone embrace that level of flexibility?

Ultimately, I left the group. It served only to stagnate me. Some years later, I gave out the information I'd learned. It was, of course, met with disbelief by those on the outside. What no one ever knew about (and likely won't for a while, if ever) was the support that I got privately. For every person who condemned me without question for my action (and I know who they are), I had another privately contact me with their own experience that paralleled mine. These same people said, "Hey, thanks for being a voice for those of us who can't speak out right now. Here is my story. . ."

When naming someone, whether it be yourself or another, remember that all words have shadow meanings. The good and creative aspects are always what we want to embrace, but with creation comes the inevitable destruction. Therefore, those shadowy aspects must also be considered, especially if you know a person is not averse to embracing their Shadow Self or if you know that person needs a lesson in owning their Shadow. Sometimes these destructive aspects are aimed inwardly to destroy one's own barriers and personal illusions, but sometimes, these aspects are aimed outward, toward destroying the illusions others have built.

Blessings,

River

Toxic Positivity Culture- Redux

I wrote this blog originally in 2018. It has been on my mind a lot lately, so I thought I would expand on it some.

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I see a lot of posts on social media where a person is having a bad day and they apologize for being in a bad mood. I see these posts where people have a chronic illness and apologize for having a bad day. What do they have to apologize for? From where I sit, nothing. In today's world, there is this idea that one must be positive no matter what. There is this idea that one must smile through the tears or joyfully endure the illness, abuse, or other bad thing happening. Why? Is it to show how strong one is? Is it to show how much one can take before breaking? Is it simply this weird positivity culture that we live in? The idea that there is so much bad in the world, so each individual must be the good?

Why would anyone apologize for their righteous anger? You are allowed to be angry at the state of the world. YOu are allowed to be angry at the state of your mental health. You are allowed to be exhausted by the negativity that you see and experience in this time and place. You are allowed to be all of these things unapologetically. Do you drink to cope? Smoke week? Exercise too much or too little? That's okay, too. Everyone has to cope and sometimes we choose to cope in ways that we know aren't the best for us.

The idea that bad things only happen to "vibrationally low" people is also an insane notion, and while we are discussing that, we'll as the idea that all negativity "lowers vibration." This type of gaslighting permeates open-minded society. Again, why?

This meme in an exceptionally good example of pseudospiritual gaslighting. I do believe that people project their own issues onto others; I do not believe that one should carry the burden of others issues because they believe that person is a mirror of something deep down that needs acceptance.

You are not a mirror for your narcissist, rapist, child molestor, or abuser. Those people abusing you is about them projecting their will or deviancy upon you in a harmful and debilitating way. There is nothing for you to mirror.

The idea that we are mirrors is probably one of the reasons every new pagan is somehow an empath. First, anyone can think they are an empath if they are taking on the burden of  'fixing' their abusers. Second, toxic positivity teaches us that we must somehow fight the negative in the world. It teaches us that it is our job to fight the bad vibrations, lift up the people who appear to need it. It teaches us to embrace our shadow but only in a 'good' way. Shadow work is dark, messy, and only comes to the good once we master it. Then, we get to go deeper and deeper. It is a never-ending process.

Another part of toxic positivity culture is when we walk into gatherings and someone says, "HAPPY MONDAY!" (Or whatever day of the week.) Why is it happy? What if my grandmother just died and I'm only just barely holding it together? Is this a declaratrion that I need to act happy? Is this some kind of affirmation? What if I am at a job that I hate and I know the person is fake as fuck? Is this a challenge or are they faking it? Whatever the answer to the questions, the idea that one must always be joyous in all things is ridiculous.

Now, before I get ripped I would like to point out that, yes, affirmations work. Yes, cognitive behavioral therapy works. These are not the things I'm referring to. I'm referring, specifically, to the damage we do to ourselves within toxic positivity culture. The idea that one must apologize for feeling something other than positive. Apologies that begin, "I'm sorry, and I always try to stay positive, but..." But nothing! You are allowed to feel this emotion. You are allowed to spend time with it. You are allowed to release it.

Apologizing for feeling an emotion can do more damage. You wouldn't allow someone to tell you to be positive if you were diabetic and were having high sugars, would you? No. In the same way, you wouldn't let them tell you all of the things you should be doing to get those sugars down because you already know. Why would you allow someone to dismiss your feelings in the same way? Why would you want someone to insist that you pretend to be happy so you can 'fake it until you make it'? You wouldn't. None of us do.

Be aware of your thoughts. Listen to your body. Do not use your feeling down to lash out or blame other people. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotion you feel. There's no reason to beat yourself up. Find something that comforts you when you feel this way, music, poetry, art, a nice tea. Allow yourself to enjoy this thing and repeat an affirmation. With some training, your thoughts on not being 'allowed' to feel that way change. They change to a type of self-comfort.

I write these things because positivity can change the brain. This is known. However, the idea that just saying vaguely positive things changes the brain, especially if they are backward compliments, defeats the idea. Not believing the words also defeats the purpose. We have to stop gaslighting ourselves into being positive. If there is a health issue, we must address it. If there is an emotional issue, we must address it. Not addressing these things from all sides, spiritual, physical, and emotional, leaves us only partly healed.

Listen to the words to speak to yourself. Are you healing or are you sorry you feel bad? Are you doing the best you can or are you a failure? If you wouldn't let your most hated enemy say these words to you, then why do you say them to yourself? Don't let someone else's idea of positivity be your yardstick. Don't let someone's fake positivity make you feel like you are somehow damaged or broken in some way.

Blessed be,
River

Letters Not Sent- When You Can't See the Forest

I'm beginning the new decade by writing this letter. It has been some months in coming. You see, when people have secrets, they do not love it when one tells them. Even more, they do not love it when one tells those secrets to people who are actually listening. These people send in those who would do anything for them, including making excuses for the abuses they mete out within the community.

I begin this letter by saying that I am a great many things in this world, but a liar is not one of them. I have been called such, behind my back of course. Then, those who have never found a reason to distrust me rarely have anything to hide.

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My Dearest Little One,

Yes, I'll be referring to you as such, Little One. It is the most appropriate descriptor of your mental and emotional space. You see, your "savior" thought your mental and emotional abuse by your mother was something to be exploited. Behind your back, she openly laughed at your immaturity and how you are at nearly 30, still a 15-year-old child. Your savior openly laughed at your alcoholism and called you an alcoholic more than once. Behind your back, of course. You were rarely included in our Friday (and sometimes, Wednesday) night hangouts at the covenstead because, according to your beloved savior, nobody in the coven could stand you. You don't even know how much you missed out on because no one would tell you. It was a relief for them that you weren't there. I was summoned to the covenstead damn near every week for something. Did you know that? Sometimes it was a chat. Sometimes it was to gossip about that church just down the road. That coven drinks. A lot. Other times it was just to hang out, but there was always an ulterior motive.

Lots of times, it was because you had some drama in your life that week and nobody gave a shit, so they called me in to get some kind of perspective. I was the new person, so I had some empathy left for a struggling young woman just looking to find her place in this world. I can't tell you how many times I was summoned to class early or called over on Friday night to discuss your life, Little One. I had to listen to your savior openly laugh at your misunderstanding of BDSM. She admitted to me that she didn't even bother to correct you because she knew it wouldn't do any good.

Little One, even your elevation was my idea. (Or did the rug get pulled out from under you at the last second?) I was so exhausted with the two-faced bullshit in the coven by the time I left, one of the last conversations I had with your savior was about being bored with her just taking us in circles. Remember that discussion you and I had? What I didn't tell you was that I also asked her, point-blank, why you hadn't been elevated yet. After 10 years, she should have made the effort to push you down the road you had been begging to take. She came up with multiple excuses, of course. You don't finish what you start. Your mental health. You needed a priest. You know, I looked at her and said something to the effect of, "Until you let her start down that path, she is never going to leave. She will either find out how difficult it is and quit or she will keep going and you will have to elevate her. If she is such a pain in the ass and nobody likes her in the group, why are you holding her back, anyway? Push her out, hive her off and be done. Problem solved."

Not a month later, you were staring down 2 years until elevation and your own group, Little One. Barring, of course, that you could navigate her power trips. You always missed the power trips. She knew that, due to your abuse, you would put up with anything if it was said nicely and with enough 'empathy.' She knew that as long as she approached you will logic instead of screaming and throwing things, then she would be just fine. She also knew that she wouldn't even have to put that much effort into you and she laughed about it. She laughed at how easy you were to manipulate because you didn't know what true kindness was.

She bragged about how easy it was to keep you in line. She bragged about how she knew you needed more therapy but couldn't or wouldn't convince you to keep going. (I suspect she wouldn't because that would mean that eventually you would have the tools in your toolbox to know what she was doing to you and she didn't want to lose her power over you.) Everyone but you and your beloved knew how much she manipulated you.

They all knew you were simply begging for motherly approval and that even her half-approval would be enough for you. She knew that she could get you to do anything she wanted if she told you that you did a good job, but her favorite thing to do to you was 'critique' your writing, rituals, and anything you presented her. She was exceptionally mean to you and would plan a lot of that stuff out and rehearse it with the others. I wouldn't participate in that foolishness. That's meanness and you didn't deserve it. (Oh, yes, we had discussions about your ritual writing, too, and how she thought it was garbage. She bragged about how much fun they had ripping it apart and then going back over it and ripping apart the stuff that they thought was okay. They even made a point to make sure and leave a few of the original bits so you wouldn't be quite so upset.) I was all an elaborate put on that they took pleasure in. They knew that you would take the 'help' with a straight face and be upset because you couldn't understand what you had done wrong.

How many times did she look at you and say, "Well, you're wrong," and couldn't tell you how or why you were wrong. Did you know she used to do that to me, as well? Oh, she tried it exactly 3 times. The first time she did it, I asked, "How?" She stumbled. She stuttered. She couldn't tell me how I was wrong. She changed the subject. The second time, I asked her, "Why?" Again, she stuttered and she stumbled. She changed the subject. The third time, I pressed her. "How? Why? Which part?" She only responded with, "Well, you're wrong," and she did that thing where she flares her nostrils indignantly and acts like it is supposed to be some kind of power move. I asked again, "Which part is wrong? If I am wrong about something, I want to be corrected. I'm not beyond being taught." She was angry at being questioned. "You're just wrong and you won't understand why," she responded. To that, I laughed. (Because we all know that I don't have any sense and will absolutely laugh at someone trying to manipulate me.) I laughed at her to her face and said, "I'm wrong because you say so? We both know that you'll have to do better than that! Again, if I'm actually wrong, I'm open to being educated as to why not 'because I say so'."

You understand, Little One, that that is a form of gaslighting, right? Relying on your manipulator as your only source of 'reliable' information and being told you're wrong without explanation or education is how she kept you all in line. She also quite enjoyed letting you all come to your own conclusions about myths (remember the PowerPoint by your raptor friend?) and then make utter fools of yourselves when you put in all of that time and energy and missed the whole point you were trying to make. That was another conversation she and I had privately. She thought that shit was hysterical. I was summoned to the covenstead after that class and listened to the 2nds and 3rds howling about how ridiculous and just plain wrong it was. It was just another manipulation. When I asked why he wasn't corrected or guided in the appropriate direction, everybody laughed. She shrugged her shoulders and changed the subject.

Now, I suspect (though it was never actually spoken) that she 'saved' you from those others 'using you up', so that she could convince you that you owe her something, maybe a life debt or something foolish like that, for when her own life starts to wane. (As it has been for a while now.) Has she asked you to open any gates or use any of those mysterious keys the two of you were always going on about? If she hasn't yet, don't worry, she will and she will do it in such a way that she will make you think it is your idea or some kind of duty. It isn't. Remember that. No one can lay claim to your energies or talents and no one can tell you that you owe them. This isn't some fantasy novel where you are some kind of hero.

Mostly, I write this letter to you because I don't want you to turn into her. You need to know that she isn't a nice person. She isn't a good person. What you see behind closed doors is the real her and she thinks you are a stupid little girl. If a person has to cultivate a professional demeanor to interact with people outside of their own coven, then that person is a liar and a con. If a person has to be someone else to be heard, then they have their own issues that need to be addressed by a mental health professional. More than all of that, if a person does all of this creating of a public personality and people still don't believe it, then the world is not wrong. You are.

Little One, it is a very rare instance that you are wrong about something. You have a keen mind. Yet, you allow her to do the same thing to you that those who would have used you up did. You allow her to use you up in a different way. You allow her to hold you back in a way that keeps you from seeing the forest for the trees.

While I don't respect that, I do have some modicum of respect for you as a young woman just looking to find her way in this world. I hope you have gotten away from her and I hope that you can someday see her for who she is, not who she wants you to see her as.

Just because you don't see her abuse for what it is doesn't mean that she isn't an A+ abuser.

May the blinders fall off in this new decade and may you find your way,
River

Lest We Forget: On the Sabbats and Celebrations

And for two and a half thousand years, the ring passed out of all knowledge.” ― Galadriel

Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Ring, JRR Tolkien

I was reading on social media the other day a rant about the Sabbats by a very upset pagan. In essence, the post was about this person's home state trying to change the observance of Halloween from October 31 to the last Saturday in October. This person was upset for a couple of reasons. First, they believe that October 31 is Samhain. Second, they believe that the state was trying to legislate away their 'most sacred of holidays.'

Regarding actual dates versus observed dates, we do this with more than one bank holiday already in the United States. Columbus Day springs to mind. The actual date for Columbus Day is October 12, however, it is observed on the second Monday of October. This is what that particular state wants to do, set an observed date versus observing the tradition on the actual date in regards to Halloween to make sure that everyone can enjoy the festivities.

That said, Halloween and Samhain are not the same dates. While Halloween certainly has many of the same observances, Samhain marks the end of summer. Much like the summer solstice, Samhain is not on the same date every year. October 31 became the observed date for this celebration in addition to the secular holiday of Halloween. (Since there are plenty of sources and documentaries on Halloween and its origins, I will not go into specifics in this writing.)

The Sabbats are our solar holidays, used to mark the passage of time in the life of the Sun God. These dates are astrological. If you know anything about the heavens, then you know that everything is fluid, bendable, and everchanging. We have come to accept the observed dates as our sabbats and, it appears, that the knowledge of when those actual dates are, is beginning to fall out of common knowledge. Before we dig into what the actual dates are, let's look at how we came upon having the observed dates that we do have.

The practice of conversion can be seen throughout all of Europe once touched by the Roman Empire, even before its conversion to Christianity. It can still be seen most obviously in the assimilation of Classical mythology where the Greek and Roman mythological deities became almost interchangeable in their tales, despite their glaring differences.

As with so much within our practices, our observed dates go back to the spread of the Catholic Church. It is well known that as the Church spread through Europe that churches were built on pagan holy sites to assimilate the masses. In that era, church leaders and their missionaries were the educated ones, for the most part. It did not take a lot of observing to know when the big feast days were among the peasants and where they would congregate to celebrate. Again, in an effort convert the heathens, the Church took up the holidays of the locals.

Can you imagine, as an uneducated local person, these strangers coming in, building a building over your most sacred sites and then using your own observances to convert you? This is, basically, what happened and how these observances were preserved. Even now, except for only a few dates, our own pagan calendar mirrors the Catholic one very closely. Many of our observances are also mirrored. Notice the dates below:

• Candlemas February 2
• Easter Sunday Late March/April
• Feast of Saint Joseph, May 1
• Corpus Christi June 20
• Lammas August 1
• Michaelmas September 29
• All Saint's Day November 1
• Christmas December 25

These dates were picked to be the observed dates. Again, if we notice the mirror between their festivities and ours, you will notice that some of our observances are mirrored in practice. At Candlemas, the Church blesses all of their candles for the year. At Imbolc, the days are noticeably longer from the solstice, and we welcome back the growing sun by with a fire celebration usually centered around candles.

Lammas is, literally, Loaf Mass. The first grains are harvested and baked into bread. Lughnasadh is based on the funeral feast Lugh of the Long Arm had in honor of his foster mother Tailtiu. This feast was thrown in Tailtu's honor after she died clearing the plains of Ireland for agriculture. I believe we all probably know that Christmas and Yule also quite closely mirror each other in tradition, even though Jesus was likely born in the spring.

Our own holidays fall based on the sun and zodiac because these were planting and harvest holidays for an agrarian society.

• Imbolc- Sun goes 15° Aquarius
• Ostara- Sun enters Aries
• Beltane- Sun goes 15° Taurus
• Litha- Sun enters Cancer
• Lughnasadh- Sun goes 15° Leo
• Mabon- Sun enters Libra
• Samhain- Sun goes 15° Scorpio
• Yule- Sun enters Capricorn

These dates are in no way static. It is one reason why there are standing stones all over Europe. Think about the most famous of the European henges, Stonehenge. It is well known that it marks the winter solstice. In Ireland, the Baltray standing stones mark the same date, and in Scotland, the Maeshowe stones do, as well. Therefore, we know that our ancestors had the means to mark the solstices and equinoxes. It stands to reason that they very likely marked the cross-quarter days as well, even if we can not read them in the henges today. In that way, our ancestors knew when to start planning their big feasts and rituals.

While we all practice in the manner that we see fit these days, it never hurts to make sure that one knows the origins of the days celebrated. Knowing the traditions gives us the information we need to celebrate accurately but to also celebrate as we so choose. In the era of fake news, it is up to us to keep the records as accurately and thoroughly as possible, even if our observances do not reflect the entirety of that knowledge.

Blessings,
River

Letters Not Sent: The Long Goodbye

It's been a while since I have done one of these. I have come to understand that when someone is on my mind, it's probably because I am on theirs. It's never an accident.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's been months since our last contact and I gave you nothing. I saw you in public that day, fawning over all of these people from your past. It's nice to think about all of the forgiveness you were given. It's nice to think about all of the forgiveness you begged from these people who only have to see you for show, right?  I was different, though. Wasn't I? You begged for my good will. You begged for my forgiveness. Why didn't I joyfully give you what you so desperately desire? The short answer is because your whims and desires no longer affect me.

The long answer is that I don't owe you forgiveness despite your demand for it. I do not owe you forgiveness for acting in such a manner as I told you that you would act. I warned you that your actions have consequences and that once people you were mad at were out of the way, then you would find some inane reason to be mad at me. I warned you against the childish stomping of your feet and angry fists on hips demands that you made. I warned you that would keep being your response until you alienated everyone in your life. I warned you that pettiness would be your cloak for some time to come. I warned you that your lack of self-respect and addiction would ultimately be your undoing. I warned you that your need to control everything and everyone around you would come at a cost.

Well, that cost is a lack of respect and trust. You want so badly to be trusted, but you aren't trustworthy. You want so badly for people to see the person you wish you were instead of the person that you are. You can't seem to understand that when you open your mouth, your whims and desires spew forth veiled in frustration and vanity, trying to lead people to believe that you know more and are more than you actually are. Your words gush forth in a waterfall of victimhood. You don't understand how your words and actions affect other people and you don't want to know. You expect them to give you forgiveness because you do not believe that you have done anything wrong and that they are unreasonable. You expect others to simply allow you to create havoc wherever you go and to simply allow it to happen because you refuse to open your eyes to your own destructive behaviors. 

The truth is, though, I kind of miss you. Yes, you were an addict. Yes, you were demanding. Yes, you were blind to all of the people you hurt because of your selfishness. All that said, you lived pretty authentically, despite the fact that you thought you were a good person. You wanted to be a good person as long as that meant you could have what you wanted without acknowledging who you hurt in the process.

Even now, your apologies consist of 'I was addicted and out of control' and 'I was such a slave to my substance of choice that I didn't know what I was doing'. We both know that isn't true. Your substance of choice simply gave you an excuse to say and do whatever you wanted. Now, you do what you want without that excuse and people still dislike you. Just like when you were an addict, they tolerate you because you can be useful. You make them money. You take up space when they need quiet time. You are their place holder when they have better things to do.

Love, you are still the same person. You are simply more in control.  You still act within the very nature that made you an addict. It still makes you angry that I do not acknowledge your 'sorrow' and your 'regret'. Your program has done a great many wonders in your life. It has saved you from plenty of messy situations. What it hasn't done is saved you from yourself. Oh yes, I still hear from people about you. I hear that you haven't changed. These people don't know that I know you until after they tell me about the way you treat them. These people don't know that 'sober' you is just like 'addicted' you, but less fun and creative.

I want you to know that I never hated you. I still don't. I don't even dislike you, honestly. I'm not angry at what happened between us. I never have been. I was angry at your pettiness (and you know what I'm talking about. Twice!) but I never expected anything less, addicted or sober. You should also know that twice your pettiness didn't work and I suspect, even backfired on you, because we both know that I have a will of iron and you do not.

I want you to understand that, of all the people you know, I am the one who saw you clearly. I am the one who saw your you-ness and despite it wanted to be your friend. You need to understand that I did not accept your weird 12 step program bid for forgiveness because, despite what was between us, that forgiveness is not for me to grant. I have never held any ill will toward you for being who you are. Asking me to forgive you for who you are is not something I can do. You must find that place within yourself that acknowledges you aren't the person you want people to think you are and you must make peace with that. I always saw it and I was always okay with it. It was that person I warned you about knowing that you wouldn't listen.

One day, I hope to discover you have seen this and read it. I hope you understand it is not a judgment against your person. I have no doubt that you will one day do great things and get the recognition you deserve for being who you are. I hope life treats you more kindly than you treat most people. I hope that you find more people who see you clearly in times to come.

Blessings,
River

On Karma

There is this idea about karma that has crept up in the last half a decade or so in the pagan community. The idea is that karma is some kind of sentient being that preys on people, no matter their actions, simply because of a series of unfortunate events. Karma does not work like that. Our actions (or inaction) does incur karmic debt, but first, let's take a look at how karma works.

At its most simple, karma is cause and effect. If one does "a", then "b" is the consequence. Spiritually speaking, we see people every day who do sketchy things and don't seem to ever get caught. There's a reason for this, a couple, actually. First, as people, we want to trust that everyone is going to do the right thing. Everyone is not. Second, those people who are not willing to do the right thing always seek out the first group.

When that happens, those sketchy people manipulate those around them into getting what they want and by making each person feel a little paranoid and foolish, so as to not alert anyone else. This behavior can go on for years, literally. This behavior can also rack up a lot of karmic debt. If karma is cause and effect, then sometimes it takes a lot of cause to finally create the effect. The above is a prime example.

Years of half-truths and a pattern of people coming and going in their lives is a big indicator. Eventually, a person comes along who notices the pattern. It is always the same: small inconveniences or needs that suddenly lead to larger tragedies, which always lead to "life-changing emergencies" that, months later, were just really some kind of terrible scare and everything is actually fine. Rinse and repeat.

Well, that pattern happens over and over again until someone notices it. Usually, I am that person. (Go figure, right?) When I was a wee baby witch, I despised being that person. Nobody wants to be the one to ring the warning bell. Nobody wants to be the one to point out all of the little inconsistencies. No one wants to be the one rocking the boat. That boat rocking usually turns into some pretty negative stuff, but eventually, those karmic scales come into balance. Often times, that rebalancing is subtle. Publically, no one 'believes' you, but they all start backing away and privately, some will even support you.

Then, there are those times when the karmic scales tip completely over and everything spills out onto the ground in the most glorious manner. It is a good feeling to watch this happen, honestly. No, I never enjoy the bad fortune of another, however, sometimes the 'karmic whip' leaves one quite battered.

We, as witches, are the instruments of karma. (Whether or not we want to be.) Modern practices would lead us to believe that the Wiccan Rede and the Three-Fold Law prohibit us from being those karmic instruments, but I would have to disagree. Here's why:

The Rede does not prohibit us from protecting ourselves and others from harm.

The idea of doing no harm does not make us pacifists. The idea that we can not and should not expose those who would harm others, in effect, clips our wings. Our grandmothers knew their power and non-witches were afraid of it. 

The Three-Fold Law does not prevent us from doing the right thing because 'karma'.

It clearly states, 'three times bad and three times good'. Blowing the whistle on the bad stuff, if you are sure and have proof, is good, even if it doesn't, necessarily, feel like it at the time. 

The above stated, if you don't follow those two tenets, then you know you are an instrument of karma and you understand why.

Karma isn't some kind of punishment or some kind of sentient creature following you around waiting for you to make a mistake. Karma is more like a cumulative aspect of cause and effect. One dishonest act may not be noticed and, indeed, it may embolden you to do another, but eventually, the dishonesty catches up and the scales balance out. Sometimes it is a minor inconvenience. Other times it is a major ordeal.

In the end. do not be afraid to do the right thing, no matter the apparent cost. You could be saving someone else a headache and a world of hurt.

Blessings,

River

Witchcraft on a Budget

Imagine this:  You’re tooling around online and you see a really cool spell meme that includes a list of ingredients. Those ingredients include some kind of special Peruvian salt, 13 perfect jasmine flowers, a single rose quartz, and a Lemurian crystal. Some of those things you have never heard of and the other things you don’t have the money to buy. Do you wait to perform the spell when you have access to those things? Do you never do the spell? Do you substitute?

The reality most of us live is one of frugality, much like our witch grandmothers. We are conditioned through advertising that we should have a whole different set of tools for Craft than for living. This is a load of bull shit in most cases. For those of us practicing low magic, the tools do not matter as much as they do for those practicing high magic. People wanting us to buy expensive and unnecessary things want us to believe that it matters.

Things like salt. It is not ‘more spiritual’ to use pink salt or some rare and expensive imported salt. Cheap iodized (or not!) table salt will do. I tend to use my specialty salts and salt mixes in my kitchen craft. Again, this isn’t because it’s ‘more spiritual’. It’s just because that’s what I cook with. If I am using salt to smudge and throwing it on the floor before I vacuum, I am definitely using cheap table salt. It gathers dust and negativity as good or better than large rock salt.

Things like pepper. There is no need to buy special peppercorns for magic. Coarse ground store brand pepper is just as good magically as it is in your smashed potatoes. The same goes for cayenne.

You can also use cinnamon or cinnamon bark, Italian seasoning (which I will get to later), garlic salt or garlic powder, turmeric, and pumpkin pie or apple pie spice straight from your kitchen cupboard. Olive oil, vinegar, and cornstarch also need not be bought separately.

Which brings me to something that will give most people an “Aha! Moment”. Italian seasoning, cajun seasoning, poultry seasoning, all of these mixtures are things that my mother and grandmother always had on hand. (My grandmother also kept bricks of chewing tobacco for poultices.)

Italian seasoning is a mixture of basil, thyme, rosemary, marjoram, and oregano. A basic Cajun seasoning is a mixture of garlic, onion, black pepper, and cayenne. As well, poultry seasoning is sage, thyme, nutmeg, black pepper, rosemary, and marjoram. So, what do each of those mixes do magically?  Let’s see:

Italian Seasoning:

Basil: Protection, cleansing, love, luck, fidelity, wealth

Thyme: Wealth, good fortune, purification, love, courage, sleep

Rosemary: Protection, purification, love, clarity, lust, healing, cleansing

Marjoram: Love money, happiness, protection, health

Oregano: Protection, happiness, luck, marriage, prophetic dreams

Just opening up your spaghetti seasoning, you could use it to anoint a candle for wealth, fortune, love, health, and protection.

Cajun Seasoning:

Garlic: Protection, healing, favorable weather, courage or exorcism

Onion: Protection, purification, exorcism, and healing

Black Pepper: Banishing, exorcism, and protection from evil

Cayenne: Repelling negativity, cleansing, and purification

So, a sprinkling of that generic cajun seasoning on my doorstep is excellent at giving protection and banishing bad juju? Looks like it.

Poultry Seasoning

Sage: Wisdom, immortality, protection and to alleviate sorrow

Nutmeg: Health, money, fidelity, love, luck, and clairvoyance

(I didn’t see the need to relist the other herbs already listed.) So, from the looks of it, generic poultry seasoning can be used for health and protection as well.

I use these three mixes because most people who cook have them in their kitchen and they are easily attainable and relatively cheap.  They can be bought from a large chain store for less than $1. You know, the one with the blue sign and yellow star thingy in its logo.

It should be noted that you can also use these in your recipes with the same effects.  Another thing witches on a budget can do is take their used eggshells and crush them and make cascarilla powder with them. There’s no need to buy it if you use it.

Candles, which seem to be a big deal on a budget, can be bought at the Dollar Tree (or a similar store). Some of my favorites to use, if I need a longer burning candle, are white emergency candles that are 6/$1. White candles substitute for every color. Also, if you need black candles, the best time to get those are at Halloween. The ones they sell at that time are, typically, solid black, where many of the cheaper black candles you get year around have a white core. (If the white core doesn’t bother you, then you don’t need to worry about it. It bothers me, but I’m a weirdo.) If you are more into quick candle magic or spells, birthday candles are the best thing ever.

As well, places like the Dollar Tree sell smooth river rocks by the bag. Those can be used to create earth elemental altars or they can be used to create divination sets, like runes.

Witching on a budget is much easier than expected. A fire pit can substitute a cauldron for fire magic. A crock pot can substitute a cauldron for kitchen craft. A coffee grinder can be a substitute for a mortar and pestle. The idea that we must have a whole other set of everything dedicated to Craft is unnecessary. It’s also more fun to work with what you have to see what you can do with it.

Toxic Positivity Culture

I see a lot of posts on social media where a person is having a bad day and they apologize for being in a bad mood. I see these posts where people have a chronic illness and apologize for having a bad day. What do they have to apologize for? From where I sit, nothing. In today's world, there is this idea that one must be positive no matter what. There is this idea that one must smile through the tears or joyfully endure the illness, abuse, or other bad thing happening. Why? Is it to show how strong one is? Is it to show how much one can take before breaking? Is it simply this weird positivity culture that we live in? The idea that there is so much bad in the world, so each individual must be the good?

The idea that bad things only happen to "vibrationally low" people is insane. As well as the idea that all negativity "lowers vibration." This type of gaslighting permeates open-minded society. Again, why?

Now, before I get ripped I would like to point out that, yes, affirmations work. Yes, cognitive behavioral therapy works. These are not the things I'm referring to. I'm referring, specifically, to the damage we do to ourselves within toxic positivity culture. The idea that one must apologize for feeling something other than positive. Apologies that begin, "I'm sorry, and I always try to stay positive, but..." But nothing! You are allowed to feel this emotion. You are allowed to spend time with it. You are allowed to release it.

Apologizing for feeling an emotion can do more damage. Would you allow someone, when you're feeling down, to say, "You should try being positive; it works for me." No, you wouldn't. I wouldn't, either, because that's a form of gaslighting.

Be aware of your thoughts. Listen to your body. Do not use your feeling down to lash out or blame other people. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotion you feel. There's no reason to beat yourself up. Find something that comforts you when you feel this way, music, poetry, art, a nice tea. Allow yourself to enjoy this thing and repeat an affirmation. With some training, your thoughts on not being 'allowed' to feel that way change. They change to a type of self-comfort.

I write these things because positivity can change the brain. This is known. However, the idea that just saying vaguely positive things changes the brain, especially if they are backward compliments, defeats the idea. Not believing the words also defeats the purpose. We have to stop gaslighting ourselves into being positive. If there is a health issue, we must address it. If there is an emotional issue, we must address it. Not addressing these things from all sides, spiritual, physical, and emotional, leaves us only partly healed.

Listen to the words to speak to yourself. Are you healing or are you sorry you feel bad? Are you doing the best you can or are you a failure? If you wouldn't let your most hated enemy say these words to you, then why do you say them to yourself? Don't let someone else's idea of positivity be your yardstick.

Blessed be,
River

Love and Light: Veiled Abuse and Bullying in Paganism

We all know someone who is eternally happy and never has a bad day, even if it is through gritted teeth. These people are always espousing 'love and light' in their practice and encouraging everyone around them to turn their face toward the sun so that the darkness falls behind them. . .  Or something of the sort. While some of these people have genuinely made peace with their inner demons, most others have not. We have all been conditioned that 'love and light' is good and is an expression of a supreme good while those who embrace their own darkness and, therefore, humanity should be watched.

The reality that I have seen over and over is that those espousing 'love and light' the most are the ones who need to fall into the abyss of their own darkness the most, as well. They tend to be some of the most inauthentic people I have ever met and I mean inauthentic toward themselves, not necessarily, others. There are certain behaviors that are present within the vast majority of the love and light crowd.

First, I notice that may within the 'love and light' crowd like to use guilt as a motivator. Now, this only works if the person on the other end harbors feelings of guilt or some insecurity that can be linked to these feelings. One thing I hear from these types is, "You may not like them, but you have to/should love them anyway." Well, no. I am not required to waste my energy on anyone. I do not like them. I do not have to like them. I certainly do not have to love them. I can look at that person and feel absolutely nothing. I am not required to speak to them, touch them, or interact. There is zero requirement for me to entertain that notion.

Second, I notice that these types often get frustrated and very angry when other people refuse to be controlled. These types will often 'call out' an individual in an effort to shame them, another emotion that one must espouse for these types to manipulate another individual.  If one is not ashamed of one's actions or is not in the wrong, then this tactic doesn't work, thereby creating more anger and frustration for the "love and lighter". This is especially prevalent online. It happens quite regularly, as a matter of fact, in social media groups.

Indeed, it happened recently in a group that I was a member of. One particular poster wasn't very nice. I didn't like her and most everyone else didn't, either, however, she was a pretty good source of basic information. Something happened off of the group and the moderators flipped the fuck out and one decided to bring it into the group with this post:

Now, I have done nothing but block out the name of the poster, the group, and those mentioned in the post here. This is a screenshot of the post by a moderator who always espoused how much love and light she had for everyone. Here's what I see:
1. Calling the offender out in the group. This is poor taste and not in the least bit what a leader does, not even with an unreasonable poster. (And, I promise, the offender was unreasonable.) This is an invitation to the group to start bashing said offender because the comments weren't even turned off until the bashing began. Again, nothing love and light about that.
2. This is an intimidation tactic. You are telling everyone who sees this that if they step out of line then you'll do the same to them, tag them in a horrible, hateful post and leave it open for others to bash on them as well. (And, in the meantime, doing exactly what you say others are doing.)
3. You are telling everyone that there are a 'few others' you are after, as well. Waving a veiled threat around to people not mentioned in an effort to scare them into acting and being a certain way.
4. This is venting one's proverbial spleen in a group that has no idea what is going on. This kind of anger is going to seriously upset some of the more timid people. So much for all of that love and light, right? Real leaders simply don't do this.

Third, when guilt and shame don't work, these 'love and light' guys turn to projection and veiled threats. They project their own insecurities about being respected onto others as a lack of respect and they see every question as an insult to their person and their allies. One of the mods posted something, stomping her proverbial foot about being disrespected and she was going to ban the next person who said anything snarky.

Until this point, I didn't even realize that this, particular, person what even a moderator. So, she's suddenly going around threatening to ban people? I, genuinely, thought she was suddenly the group banning bitch or something. So, I asked for clarification:

As you can see, I wasn't the only person who took that comment to mean that said moderator was just going to start banning people willy-nilly because she was extra butthurt that someone disrespected her authority. Of course, my comment was taken as threatening and sarcastic.







Here is the, again, veiled threat.  The moderator was working under the impression that anyone and everyone was being sarcastic

 

and threatening to her as a moderator. She absolutely refused to believe that someone might be sincere and not be challenging her authority (which, by the way, was all in her head, as she couldn't even close comments on a thread without asking permission.)

So, again, another poster responded in kind to my question and her unreasonable knee-jerk response. The moderator then began (again) projecting passive-aggressiveness onto my comments declaring that there was 'a lot' going on, which there weren't, except said moderators.

You can see here, the accusation of my being passive-aggressive, even after apologizing. It was somehow my fault that she took things wrong when I asked her to clarify and she threatened me with banning. Again, these 'love and lighters' like to use people as examples. They hate it when their authority is challenged, which as you can see, she 'closed' the discussion by, as I stated above, asking the administrator if she could and getting permission first.

This kind of behavior goes on for several days, veiled threats, projection of sarcasm and being passive-aggressive, and foot stomping, demanding that everything get back to normal.

Bullies don't like it when people question them. They don't like it when a person ignores their fits. Bullies like to be in charge and have people just a little bit afraid of them. It gives them a sense of power when they feel like they have none.

So much of the 'love and light' crowd feels this way: powerless. They think that if they are good and kind and happy and all of the 'good' things in life, then they can hide from their out of control rage, fear, sadness, and cruelty. They can't. Those emotions they try to suppress, that Shadow raises its head in a multitude of ways, including manipulation and a bizarre sense of entitlement.

We tell our children not to bully each other, but as adults, how can we say this to children when we, ourselves, behave in such a way? Is it any wonder why children would rather kill themselves than live in this world? Do you take people where they are or do you try to force them into your little box of expectations? Do you project love and light or do you use it to your benefit to get people to do what you want?

When you work with a group of people, in real life or online, keep in mind that not everyone is all love and light all of the time. Keep in mind that some people use the 'light' in a bad way. Keep in mind that love, real love, has no conditions. Love sees you where you are and takes you as you are, only pointing you in the direction that is most beneficial for your own growth, even if that means kicking you Spartan-style into the abyss of your own darkness occasionally. Unfortunately, we humans don't often example that kind of love.

Brightest blessings,
River


P.S. I actually kind of expect some hate mail over this, people crying about how I have the 'love and light' crowd all wrong, etc. If you feel moved to respond, please feel free, however, I don't expect to be proven wrong, and in all honesty, I expect comments to prove me right. If you feel moved to respond, I hope that you are the exception. 

On Sending Energy, Distance Healing, and Other Well Meaning Magicks

We live in a community where everyone thinks they are an empath or a healer but few of us actually are. Social media allows us to send 'healing', 'good juju', or 'thoughts and prayers' to everyone we come across, if they ask for it, however, is this type of helping a good thing?

I bet your first reaction was, "Of course! How could you even doubt it?" Well, I do doubt it for several reasons and, realistically, some of these doubts are why I rarely send energy and if I do I send it with a very specific intent. (Though, until a conversation came up last week, I couldn't actually tell you why I had these doubts until I was shown a different perspective by a complete stranger.)

First, let's get the 'thoughts and prayers' out of the way. This is a big one on social media. I could be looking at your situation and thinking that you got what you deserved and praying that you get more of the same. I could be thinking that you don't deserve whatever you're getting and praying that it stops soon. They both can sound altruistic, sure, a person deserves/ doesn't deserve a break in life, or deserves/doesn't deserve death/poverty/illness/winning the lotto. Whatever.

Now, let's talk about all of that healing we send out. What are we sending when we send 'healing'? Some of us send Reiki. Others send healing energy, which is different but achieves a similar end. This difference can be significant.

As a Reiki practitioner, I can attest to the fact that Reiki is different from healing energy in two ways. First, Reiki is a blessing. Being a type of love energy, it is very highly vibrational and will get through any shields, wards, or other protections due to its very energetic nature. The spirit or higher self is not going to deflect this type of energy unless specifically instructed by the Self to do so and if we are asking for healing, we aren't going to turn 'good' energy away.

Healing energy achieves a similar end to Reiki, but it often comes from the Self or is drawn up from the earth (or down from the heavens), charged, and sent to the person in need.  This energy is often tainted with our own energy signature and can be deflected, rejected, or sent back if the receiver wants to, but again, often doesn't because of being 'open' to that intent.

So, then, what happens when someone is having an illness and they ask for healing? Depends. If it is a broken leg or post-surgery request, boosting up the healing for them will, hopefully, get them up and about quickly. It should keep the infection down or knit the bone, and in general, be a big help.

What happens, though, if this person has cancer or an autoimmune illness? The cancer is growing because the body does not recognize it as an invader or as an out of control growth of cells. What is 'healing' doing? Does it knock down the side effects of the chemo/biotherapy? Does it do its best to flush the chemo/biotherapy from the sick person's system? (In an effort to make them 'well' from the therapy?) Does it simply help the person along to die because their body is simply too worn out? Autoimmune illnesses already deal with an out of control immune system. Why would one want to boost an already overworked immune system with 'healing' when it is likely that suppression is likely what is needed? Another excellent example of 'healing' gone wrong is the flu.

How does the body 'heal' the flu? High. Fucking. Fevers. Now, why would you want to boost someone's immune system with 'healing energy' when the only way to beat something like that is a fever? Those fevers lead to things like dehydration if they aren't monitored. Sure, I know you're thinking that I'm missing the obvious to get the fever down, acetaminophen or ibuprofen, however, keeping one's fever down is inhibiting the body's ability to fight that infection. Fevers are good, at least to a point (and then we go back to the hydration/dehydration fever cycle.) Also, I'm not going to do more than mention things like seizures, deafness, and other things caused by an out of control fever.

Finally, I want to discuss pain as a growth factor. For some people, what they are going through is 'growing pains'. Do we really want to wish pain (or more pain) on someone who is already hurting? There are times when we, as human beings, are required by this life to find a new perspective through pain. Whether it is physical, mental, or emotional, the pain gives us what we need to grow. I know that I certainly don't unless I know very explicitly that I am giving this person pain in order to find a new perspective.

These are just a few examples of how our ideas of healing can go awry. When we send energy, Reiki or otherwise, it must be with the complete understanding that what we are doing may not have the results we expect. While we often sympathize or empathize with the person asking for help, sometimes their pain is both deserved and needed to help them along in this life. We must also understand that our helping can kill them if it is their time to die or their body is just too weak to keep going.

Next time, when a friend asks for healing, Reiki, or juju of any kind, remember to send it with the knowledge that it will help, but it may not be helpful in the way you expect or want it to.

Brightest Blessings,
River

When Meditation Is Not the Answer

As pagans, we often look to each other for advice when it comes to energy work.  Among the new and old practitioners alike, the answer is often, "Meditation could help you with this." While this statement is true about 90% of the time, there are times when stilling your body and mind is not what is needed to produce more awareness. (Even if all of the new age hoo-ha tells us that meditation is the ultimate.)

So, when is meditation not the answer? Meditation is not the answer when you need to be more aware of your Self. A recent conversation I participated in online is a good example. The poster wanted to know how to strengthen his will. He recognized that it was more iron-clad when he was angry than when he was not and stated that he had a difficult time holding his intent. This is an excellent example of meditation not being the answer. (Have you ever stopped yourself from being angry by meditation? No? Join the club!!) Meditation will teach this posted how to recognize triggers that make him angry and it will teach him how to not react to those triggers unless he chooses to.

If the poster knows his will is stronger when he is angry, then he recognizes that it has a different sensation. Our emotions create physical sensations in our body. The problem we have is that we are usually too emotional to feel them, so we ride along that roller coaster. When we 'get into our feelings' we become enslaved to our emotions for that moment.

When we begin to cultivate self-awareness (first through meditation and then through life), we begin to notice these triggers. We begin to notice the physical sensations that go along with fear, anger, jealousy, joy, love, gratitude and even resentment. We begin to notice the physical sensations that trigger the emotional response. When we discover the trigger and the sensation, we can choose (eventually, at least) how much energy we expend on that emotion. This is the essence of cultivating the will and while this process begins with meditation, it can not be fully realized through meditation alone.

The moment we begin to choose how to spend the energy we have built up emotionally is the moment we, as practitioners, can choose how to wield our intent. Recognizing the physical sensations that go with certain emotions is the first step to that. How does one do this? It is both simple and not.

First, one must cultivate an awareness of one's body. To do this, I use a simple exercise taught to me by a very wise elder. I call it the "Let It Go Technique" and it is 4 steps:

1. Sit at a table, such as the dining room table, and hold a coin in the palm of your closed hand with your arm out in front of you, larger is better than smaller (such as a quarter or half-dollar instead of a dime).
2. Feel that coin in the palm of your hand. Close your eyes for this if you choose, but feel its weight, temperature, texture. Read it with your physical senses.
3. Turn your hand palm down and open it, dropping the coin. Notice the sensation.
4. Pick the coin up and repeat.

You will know you are successful in this exercise when you can feel every muscle, tendon, and ligament move, the pressure of the coin sliding from your hand, and if any of the tiny hairs on the backs of your hands and wrists are affected.

This simple exercise cultivates awareness of your body. If it is done enough times, one will begin to notice the tiny movements of one's hand or forearm muscles during other activities. This awareness then will translate to noticing the various sensations of our bodies as we move through life. Ultimately, this exercise opens up our awareness to the physical sensations that go along with emotions. Once one can feel the emotions physically, meditation is a good time to recall the sensation and explore it. This will also help to cultivate the will.

As practitioners, we tell each other to meditate all of the time. Meditation is not the answer for every situation. Meditation is not even the answer for most situations. Realistically, most practitioners these days don't actually do true meditation, so what we are suggesting to each other are different techniques for different practices that we all just call meditation, but that's for a different blog.

Have a blessed Imbolc. May the seeds you plant in the coming season flourish in the coming year.

Blessings,
River

No, That's Not How Magic Works!

It's no secret that I have recently been trolling for blog fodder in facebook magical groups. While life has got me super busy right now, I have had plenty of topics to blog about. These topics seem to cycle in these groups. Right now, the requests seem to be "I need a quick magical solution to some hard mundane problem!"

People do not seem to understand that magic does not work like that. No, magic isn't going to cure (and likely not help) your child with severe ADHD. Giving him a routine, his medications, discipline, and your unending love, as well as some psychiatric help if you can't handle him will be more effective than magic. Giving him coping skills that will help him now and later in life will be more effective than magic.

Telling a young magician that s/he can destroy energy without any explanation of how is another delusional, and quite frankly, stupid response. Sorry, no, you aren't standing at your altar and tearing apart the fabric of space-time. No, you aren't going to defy gravity and levitate (although it is reported that Buddhist monks can do this. so I do believe it is possible, but not through magical means). I'm sorry, no, you aren't going to destroy energy of any kind and if you think you are, you need to brush up on your science.

Simply put, magic does not work that way. Magic is not going to make your eyes change color. Magic is not going to make your grandmother's cancer go away. Magic is not going to help you lose weight. At least it isn't going to help you in the way you want it to.

Here's how magic works:

So, you want to lose weight? You do a spell to lose weight. Three days later your friend comes over and tells you that she's doing Weight Watchers. Oh, damn, but you don't have the money to join with her. That's okay. She can teach you the points system as she's learning and you can lose weight together! BAM!! Your spell worked!

If you let go of the expectations you had for your spell and let your friend teach you, then it worked. If you turn your friend down and keep doing what you're doing and searching for the outcome you want, then your magic will never work. Period.

There is this very prevalent misconception within the magical community that intention is everything. (Thanks to The Secret, no doubt.) However, The Secret is wrong. Intention isn't everything. I can work at a shitty minimum-wage job my entire life with the intention of being a millionaire and never achieve that intention. Why? Because intention isn't everything. If I am not going to buy a lotto ticket, I can't manifest that intent. If I don't educate myself, then I can't manifest that intent. If I don't spend the time and effort working toward that goal, then it just isn't going to happen. People don't seem to understand that.

People also don't seem to understand that a shitty spell meme isn't going to manifest dick, especially for a person new to the Craft. Those of us who are a little more seasoned will understand that energy must be raised or we are working with the inherent properties of the tools used and should probably pull out the correspondence charts to make sure everything is in line with the intent of the spell.

What does that mean? Well, what it means is, a spell is more than simply lighting a candle, saying a few words, and blowing it out unless that's all it is, except that's rarely the case. Here is what I mean:

"Light a white candle, say an incantation, blow the candle out. Do this twice a day."

This was, literally, a 'fascinating' spell meme posted to a group.

First, is white the color you want or are you using it because it's the universal candle color? If it's because it's universal, then you need to charge it to represent the outcome that you want.

Second, the words you chant have power, but if you don't put anything behind them (or don't know to) they mean nothing. (There's your intent!!)

Third, why aren't you letting the candle actually burn? The inherent properties of the element of fire will aid your intent. Why not let them?

Fourth, what's so important about 2? Would another number fit this intention better or is two most appropriate? Is this just an arbitrary number given for convenience?

Fifth, how long do I do this? Do I do it until I get the desired outcome or until the candle runs out?

Sixth, won't blowing the candle out scatter the energy or air negate the fire? Would snuffing it be more appropriate? (Mostly, this is a question of 'do you know how to blow out a candle respectfully'.)

In the end, these 3 or 4 sentences become much more than just sit down, light a candle, intention, and incantation, blow it out, repeat. Also, I know that I have not addressed the idea of casting a circle and calling the elements. This was purposefully left out as I don't believe that some magics need a full-on ritual.

So, why is it that practitioners today need to believe that magic is a cure-all? I believe it's mostly because we, as humans, are always looking for an easy way out. We are always looking for the workaround. Well, magic isn't it. Sorry. I know all of the Llewlyn books you've read might say it is, but it just isn't.

If magic worked that way, we'd all be millionaires or beauty queens. Our wildest dreams would come true. No, real magic takes work, energy to achieve. Real magic exacts a cost from us, whether or not we realize it.

Brightest Blessings,
River

The Rise of 'Black Magic' Spells in the Modern Era and Why They Are Garbage or You Don't Need a Spell to Change Your Life

Lately, I have been tooling around in Facebook groups for witches. Some of these groups are utterly laughable to people who actually practice magic. What I have noticed is that people take to Facebook (of all places) to beg for spells. They often do this after admitting that they know nothing of magic. Others post images easily googled into these same groups with absolutely zero commentary. The image below is one such 'spell' that has crossed my screen as of late. Neither the poster nor one other commentator could tell me why, exactly, this spell was 'black'. Now, I am of the thought that if you can't look at a spell or incantation and surmise, at least, two possible outcomes for it, then you probably don't need to be trying it. These days, critical thinking is essential and no one seems to be able to do it!  

So, let's break down this spell and see what makes it 'black magic' and decide if it will do anything more than give you gas.

First, we have our ingredients:

Lighter

Pink Candle

Musk Oil

Carving Tool

Marjoram

Pink Cloth with 'dream of me, be with me' on one side and 'just a little nudge' on the other, preferably hand sewn by the spellcaster

Pink or Red Pouch (small)

Glass plate

The lighter, carving tool (or knife/pin/needle) and plate are, kind of, self-explanatory. Lighter to light the candle, carving tool to carve it and plate to not make a huge mess on the table.

So, now, let's look at correspondences:

Pink as quoted directly from here:

 "The color pink is gentle and feminine and evokes the scent of apple blossoms and the laughter of little girls. Pink is calming and energetic all at once. Wear the color pink to evoke youthful energy and childlike joy. Pink can be used in magic for emotional love, tenderness, conception, babies, pregnancy, romance, youth, peace, emotional healing, inner harmony, femininity, and friendship. The action of the color pink is similar to that of the color red but gentler and more muted.

Wear and decorate with the color pink, or burn pink candles to relax and energize, calm aggression and relieve stress. The color pink is also used to suppress the appetite.

In Japan, the color pink is associated with the spring blooming of the cherry blossoms (Sakura) which are associated with the souls of warriors fallen in battle."

Musk oil as quoted directly from here and here: 

"A love oil used to arouse one's passion and heighten sexual pleasure. Also used to draw new situations and prosperity."

"Musk is Earth associative. It’s a good incense for restoring balance and order, realigning one's energies, sealing portals, creating barriers and protections, and removing the influences of negative magick. It’s also a good incense to burn to Saturn. Musk is also associated with chthonic deities and the underworld. It’s more concerned with underworld energies and accessing the underworld than bringing forth the dead. It’s a good incense to burn for certain underworld entities."

Marjoram quoted directly from here, here, and here:

"In magickal practice, marjoram is chiefly a love herb. It is typically employed in the creation of love-potions or attraction charms. It plays a major role in fixing spells and enchantments. In more practical applications, marjoram is useful for deflecting bad luck and accidents, as well as for promoting harmony in households. Burnt as an incense, it is said to banish discord where its smoke is wafted. Marjoram may even be used to help improve relationships and marriages, especially when combined with basil and rose petals. Marjoram incense or an herbal sachet made with marjoram blossoms and balm of Gilead buds may even be used to help with depression, to counter psychic attacks, and to banish bad or negative thoughts."

"Magical attributes: protection, love, healing.

Uses: Add to all love charms or place a piece in rooms for protection. Give to a grieving person to bring them happiness."

" This perennial herb ... and was known to the Greeks and Romans as a symbol of happiness and love due to its close association with the fierce and beautiful Goddess of Love, Aphrodite. Moreover, Marjoram is sacred to Isis, Egyptian Goddess of Love and all blessings.

This is why Marjoram is believed to be ESSENTIAL to any love spell (especially Love sachets). There are many ancient customs where a little sachet filled with Marjoram is woven into the bridal dress to ensure long-term happiness in marriage and to enhance fertility."

Ok, we have our correspondences and our ingredients. Now what? Let's look at the 'spell' and see if we can decipher what we are supposed to do. 

The first paragraph says: "Cast the circle, call the quarters. Dim the lights, leave a candle burning if you wish. Take the pink candle and anoint it with musk oil while thinking of the person who you want. Scratch the name of the person on one side of the pink candle and the word love on the other side."

(I will admit to paraphrasing here because I found it too wordy and poorly written.)

In the first half a dozen words, I see a problem for a new practitioner. If you can't cast a circle or call the quarters, you should stop right there and go learn to do that. If you can, let's move on. All prep, such as dimming the lights, lighting candles, etc. should have been done before the circle was cast.

The anointing of candles with oil can be done a multitude of ways, but it is easier to carve the candle and then anoint it so you don't have to try and get a blade or sharp object into a slippery candle. Also, there are specific ways to anoint candles to draw/attract and repel/banish that this spell does not address. Is the practitioner supposed to know this already? I sure hope so!

Now, we get to the 'grit' of this 'black magic spell'. Well, sort of. There are those who believe that because this spells focuses on a specific person, that it is an attempt to bend their will to the caster's own and is, therefore 'black magic'. I am inclined to agree, mostly due to my Wiccan training. That said, I do not judge those who would choose to do this spell because I can see multiple possible outcomes and, honestly, many of them include the phrases, "you got what you wanted" and "be careful what you ask for".

Place the pink cloth on the plate with "just a little nudge" facing down. Light the candle and affix the cloth to the plate by letting hot wax drip on the corners of the cloth. While visualizing your desire, use wax drippings to form the shape of a heart in the middle of the cloth. Drip some wax in the middle of the heart shape and place the candle there.

So, from what I gather with this paragraph is that this is a small piece of cloth with a lot of sewn writing on it. I'm still not sure why the corners need to be affixed with wax if there is going to be a wax heart in the center and more wax drippings to affix the candle. If this is a permeable cloth, such as a cotton blend, not all of this is necessary and adds complication to a rather simplistic candle spell.

Anyway, moving on. Visualizing ones desire. Do you know how to visualize? If not, guess what you should do. That's right, learn what that is and how to do it. If you do know, then you're good. Let's move on, shall we? Also, when are we going to compel the other person to "dream of me, be with me"? Why are we doing this at all? Is it for the 'dream walking'?

With the candle burning, empower a pinch of marjoram by pinching it tightly between your fingers and feeling the energy flowing into it. Sprinkle the marjoram in the place touching the heart and candle. Let the candle burn down.

And now we add the herb! I think we should be adding it to the melting wax, but again, the spell isn't very clear. However, the caster needs to know how to 'empower' things. Do you know how to move energy? If you don't, you aren't going to 'empower' anything. If you do, are you charging it with your own energy? Are you going to draw earth energy up or maybe draw down the moon? Let's get creative!! Obviously, though, a pinch is all we need.

Crinkle the hard pool of wax as much as you can while thinking of your desire. Take the remains of wax, marjoram, and cloth and put them in a small pink or red pouch. Sleep with the pouch under your pillow and by using dream direction, allow yourself to dream of the person you want.

Sleep like this for as long as needed until the day comes when you are going to see the person. Take the pouch with you. When you see the person, wait until the time is right.

Ok, so I have just added the last two paragraphs together. It's just as well to finish it up.

To complete the spell, you must, I think, break up the wax on the cloth while thinking of your desire. Now, remember, this cloth is affixed to a plate with the same, now hardened wax. Good luck getting that unstuck from the plate without a knife or other scraping tool not listed above.

Oh, have you been sitting in this circle for 12 hours waiting for this candle to burn down and the wax to harden? Did you leave circle while the magic was being completed? I sure hope you know how to cut a door to your circle. Did you leave the quarters called? They might be a bit unhappy as to have to wait around while you go on with life, don't you think?

Assuming that you know what you're doing and you finished the spell, released the quarters and circle, now you get to shove all of that stuff in a bag and sleep with it until you can find a way to orchestrate a meeting with said person you most desire where you take the pouch with you and wait until the time is right. 

Oh! You mean the spell is incomplete? What. The. Fuck! 

Yeah, this spell is incomplete, aside from being total trash, to begin with. However, I want to back up just a little bit and explore why one would even consider a spell like this. What draws us to the supposed taboo? What draws us to tempt the Fates and attempt to harness such god-like powers as bending the will of another to our own? 

Honestly? It's different for each person, but it comes down to control, power, and significance. Now, there are those who would argue that every choice we make influences those around us and bends their will to ours. Personally, I believe that if you are aware of how your words and deeds affect others, then you can be aware of when those words and deeds affect others negatively. 

It's all up to the practitioner, but the reality of the world we live in is thus: We are all always trying to do what is best for ourselves. We put our best face forward to get a job (and we could cast a glamour to do this). We tell people what they want to hear and show them what they want to see. 

This sudden rise in 'black magic' is a two-fold thing. It is people who feel powerless and want to have some kind of control (or feel like it) and it's those who would prey on those who feel powerless. What do I mean by this?  Someone is on eBay selling this particular spell for about $5 already printed on parchment for your BoS. 

If you do not know how to write your own spells, buying one won't make you powerful. This spell, literally, raised no energy toward the goal. Now, an adept practitioner will know when to raise energy and how to do it. In fact, they will be able to do it with a simple thought, but once again, one who is new will not have any idea.

This is the modern-day equivalent to the ancient grimoires. The ones published today have most of the magical sigils and words, but few of the practical things like correspondences that the neophyte would have discussed with the adept, the things that aren't written down. The powers of deduction and critical thinking are lost on most people today, which is why we have people selling 'powerful black magic spells'. 

If you aren't prepared to write your own spells, you probably aren't ready to try and perform anyone else's.

Please, don't blow yourself up.

River

(P.S. It's not lost on me that I didn't make any commentary on the actual correspondences. I did that on purpose. Maybe we could discuss why they are good or bad ingredients?)